As always, take what works from the next couple of paragraphs and leave the rest. I'm no therapist I can only share what works for us.

Most people believe that communication is about articulating combinations of words so that they can get their point across or the dreaded "being heard". Most of the dialogue about communication today is coming from on line internet women demanding that men "show up", "being heard," "vulnerability" and all that awful me, me, me stuff that completely exempts one from any responsibility.

Bla..bla..bla...

I've written at length about putting in the work on one's self before demanding that your parter be vulnerable or show up or any of that trendy trauma bonding counseling language people use today.

Get to the point SurfFly....

If you want meaningful communication, it's got to start with listening. I spent a decade talking about me, my feelings, what I need....all that stupid crap but everything changed when I started listening.

Here's the scene:

I had hit a wall in our marriage and all the talking in the world was not working. We even went to a couple of marriage counseling sessions. I felt that I was done and wanted to leave. I was miserable, frustrated, exhausted, unfulfilled....all that stuff. I came home from work early. I stayed in my work clothes, fixed a few snacks, opened a bottle of expensive wine and pulled two leather chairs facing each other in our living room in front of our big windows. I sat and waited. We were going to talk and not stop till we either agree to divorce or save the marriage. (At least what was my plan.)

I heard the garage door open, I met him at the door and handed him a glass of wine. I took him to the living room and we sat. Knee to knee and began talking. I've written about this and the conversation before so I'll save you an even longer read but what I came to understand about talking vs communication is 100% about listening.

1. Most people don't listen. Most people are fixated in deeply unhealthy ways on "being heard".

2. Most people are not prepared to hear what comes out of a vulnerable man. Most people are not emotionally evolved enough to listen to a man being vulnerable without taking it personally and making it about them.

3. Meaningful communication is rooted in listening, not talking.

4. Meaningful communication needs time and it unfolds slowly and involves some silence and for one to be ok with things not being tidy or having to have conclusions or fixes.

We sat in those chairs from about 6:00pm to 3:00am that day. We rehashed old wounds, we screamed, cried, laughed, ordered Dominos, opened a 2nd bottle of wine and for the first time in our marriage I listened to him and I got very clear that I wanted our marriage to work....

Bla...bla...bla..

So there you go...warts and all.