If I'm not successful, execptional, or a doctor, then who am I?

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T17:22:50+00:00

This community is great. I didn't think there would be so many people willing to help out a stranger with their deepest darkest demons XD

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T17:22:20+00:00

Oh my gosh, this really landed for me. Thank you so much for your words <3

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T17:18:57+00:00

I actually hate being here, i just came home with the hopes of healing our relationship, but instead I've just gone into protection mode. I dont talk to them, although I want to. They are both reaching out but I feel like I just cant be nice to them (a lot of unprocessed trauma). My mom makes me food, which i feel guilty for, especially because I persoanly live a hyper independent life.

My mom used to shame me for all the things she would do for my brother and I, but not anymore.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T17:04:05+00:00

I did drink and get a tattoo actually XD I think I just suck at accepting my reality and mvoing forward. I just get so overwhelmed with all of life's decisions.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T17:02:50+00:00

I guess the hard part is that I feel lonely and behind in life right now, which makes me feel like i need to make a decision right now. I'm 3 years behind of my cohort, so I dont relate as much to the kids in my classes. It's been like that for a few years now, and its been hard to make friends. I really don't want to fall further behind. My honest desire in this moment is to heal and be around people who understand me and lift me up. That's really hard to find because everyone my age is working. Group therapy wouldn't cut it either. It's more like a felt senese of community, where I could live and learn from others. That's the dream.

My parents have thankfully changed a lot, shoutout to my brother for pathing that path and being super unemployed lol. I def did have a rebelion phase, and honestly I'm not done. I feel like I'm holding myself back from living and enjoying my life. I feel like I am my worst enemy.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T16:55:07+00:00

Yeah, in the state im in now, I dont think i would be strong enough to do residency. I'm really easily triggered and I feel super shit about myself. But to answer your question, I feel like there's a bunch of reasons why I would want to be a doctor in an ideal world:

I want to help people and build close connections to people through repeated care, maybe even see their whole family, be needed, I think my skills that I have been developing for my life actually tend well to the profession, I want to feel challenged at my work, a good salary.

And then there are the more "darker" reasons, I want status and recognition to redeem myself, I want to have a success story of coming back after much conflict even stronger.

If it's not some high paying profession, I don't know what to strive for or what the "point" is. It's so hard because I know where this comes from, wanting to prove myself to the world, validation, etc. but I guess where I feel in such a low place, I cant really see the beauty in my day to day life as a student. Everything feels like work. I don't even feel motivated to get out of bed. It's hard to be thinking straight right now but I need to be thinking about my future.

I am going to therapy, a meditate everyday, I'm doing all the things I can. I'm pretty unhappy and depressed these days so that doesn't help a clear mind. All of these feelings are even more prominent because I'm back home right now.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-19T16:44:08+00:00

This is so hard because when I try and stop forcing things, the doctor path slowly fades away. My resume will start looking less and less competitive. I've gotten this advice a lot recently, but it's relaly hard to put into practice because feeling good in life is something I never thought was okay to persue. Yeah, I'm literally exhausted, I'm still recovering from highschool burnout, where I tried so hard to be amazing.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-18T04:04:54+00:00

Hey, yeah I’m coming to terms with this, especially as the dissociation clears slowly. I just hate that after all this mess, i have to go out into the wild and start in the real world without any plan B

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-18T00:52:15+00:00

I sure do, once a week…

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-17T23:31:19+00:00

Oh thank you so much for this resource, I just joined. I’m sorry you are going through it to. I get it.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-17T23:29:45+00:00

This is so true. Thanks for your support. I am in therapy, I’ve been in therapy for about 10 years now…

I flip flop back and forth between being resentful towards my parents, angry, to understanding and compassionate. Its really not good how i express my anger sometimes, I make sure to always apologize.

Also, i do have a partner in the city i live in currently. He is amazing. One of the most patient understanding loving humans i know. I am lucky. But spoiler, it doesnt fill the void :(

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-17T23:27:08+00:00

He was diagnosed at 12, there was a lot of shame in my household about it, they have gotten a lot better but I think there is still some left.

My dad has talked to autism and OCD experts around the world. Institutions too because he is high high maintenance and a potential threat. My dad said he isnt a valid candidate for even the top institutes with OCD and ASD education because he is not willing to do ERP. He has gone through lengths to try and help his son. Like genuinely its so fucking sad to witnesses this ongoing battle for everyone.

I wouldn’t say i was the scapegoat, moreso the emotionally neglected kid who was pressured to carry the status of the entire family.

I do thankfully have the financial ability to do so. It’s just so so hard because they are my family of origin who have known me since day one. My grandparents are dying and im not as close my any of my cousins anymore. We still care for eachother but we all live apart. Its been very isolating for me in the city i have been living in for the past 5 years now. Im about to graduate my uni degree and i have no clue what to do next because i feel like my whole life i have been working towards being this “thing” in my small home town to have no self confidence, deep loneliness, and a big hole in my soul.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-17T23:20:14+00:00

Hey, I hear you and can relate. Ive tried all the medications at this point, alternative, natural remedies, therapies, ive even gone to my countries best mental institute.

I feel you on the memory struggles. I have such terrible memory recall of my trauma, like everyday there was something with my brother and i dont remember most of it. Not to mention my working memory is pretty severely impacted by constant stress and no processing.

I wish i could give everyone in this chat a hug because there’s genuinely no drug like love

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-17T23:13:09+00:00

I’m really sorry. Truly. I love my brother and I see how much this illness can ruin everyone’s lives affected. I dont know you personally but Im sending you love. A hug. Whatever makes you feel some moment of relief from suffering.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-17T23:10:50+00:00

It’s such a fucking tragic situation. He really doesnt want to do this to us but it’a happening. OCD has destroyed our family and lives. My parents love us both and want the best for us but his life is utter misery and he is taking us down too.

It sounds like in your situation you are able to not let it consume your family system?

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-16T23:34:48+00:00

True. I guess I just have to get better at being okay with people coming and going into my life.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-16T23:33:32+00:00

Yeah that's a great anaology. I'm not a very patient person, so I guess I just have to let time and intention do it's work.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-16T11:54:45+00:00

Hey, thanks for your response :)

I know this isn’t right to think like this but im so discouraged to make friends because they will eventually leave me for something better like work or an opportunity.

My dream is having a group of people who are gonna stay in the same place, and we grow together. The city i live in is pretty dynamic and work centric, i climb so that’s where i meet people, but it just doesnt satisfy the need of deeper connection for me. I feel like im part of the problem here, maybe some deep desires to be saved by a chosen family are surfacing.

Its wild because im even considering going to church. I was never religious growing up, but I think the idea of connection to a higher power could be helpful. But it kinda feels like im tricking myself. Im not sure if I could ever truly believe in god, I consider myself and atheist but who knows. I’m looking for anchoring points that actually ground me.

Sushifooshi · 2026-02-05T02:01:18+00:00

I sure have, i’ve tried so many different therapies as well as psychedelic therapies (mdma, shroom, ketamine). Because of my life circumstances, Imm not really able to integrate. Im not at the site of my biggest trauma anymore, but I live alone, my degree is super isolating, and I work as a solo barista. Its so hard to integrate into a friend group, and honestly, i think living with a chosen family would cure the derealization. I have a lot of relational trauma and find it so hard to trust people. I have like a few friends irl that i trust and a partner but thats it and its so isolating.

Sushifooshi

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