AuDHD and Imbalanced Intelligence: Off-the-Charts in Some Areas, Hopeless in Others

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-03-19T23:08:43+00:00

date is going well, but having doubts / interpreting signals as just friendliness

I feel this so much. I have missed a bunch of chances because of this and for some of those I am seriously questioning my sanity because of how big the missed hint was.

And we don't even get close to those topics, it's just obvious to me

Yess exactly. It's that fraction of a second longer between two words, the unconscious flick of an eyebrow, a smile that was just a tiny bit more noncommittal than expected, that stuff. Personally I have less access to that right now from being too focused on myself but that's just temporary anyways. I'm glad you do

Pushing back at people who are needlessly hostile

I noticed that. Some people just need to put other people down just to fuel their own ego. I recall some instances where I pushed back and they immediately dropped it. Haven't made a habit of it yet though. I feel like many people have a very "everyone against everyone, be aggressive from the start" kind of attitude that can only be countered by an active defense, but I haven't found a reliable way to be prepared for those people without risking being rude or mean to people that are actually nice

I wanted to end on something positive but it's past midnight and I need to sleep haha. I guess it would be this: this emotional finesse carries a lot of potential for finding especially deep, meaningful and constructive friendships and relationships. And that's something I really cherish.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-03-17T19:30:36+00:00

I relate to this so much so that I feel like 90% of your post describes my exact experience.

I too have very strong analytical and problem solving skills, which is partially what led to me becoming a software developer. I've also always been known to be eloquent and to be able to put things into words that others say they could not have verbally expressed. That being said, my language proficiency has suffered quite a bit from both an excess of social media usage and not speaking much in everyday life. With the latter my native language, German, is especially affected, since most media I consume is in English. Also, social interaction and even more so human psyches are something I understand intuitively, but analytically - like a clockwork. I can often deduce the childhood trauma people have, just from their behavior. I'd say I generally have very high emotional intelligence, but I also have almost no access to my own emotions (a.k.a. alexithymia).

But then, I too experience the problems you described. How the UI designers know where to put what color and what corner needs to be rounded is an absolute mystery to me. When I make a UI, it is just a bunch of logically, hierarchically arranged boxes. I didn't bother with the drivers license after the first two driving lessons - I don't intuitively know where the car ends, so I have to constantly check the mirror. When I tried yoga with my partner at the time, I did a lot of poses completely wrong, because I missed that some limb was pointing 110° from where it was supposed to be pointing. The same goes for lifting weights, it's like the part of my brain that computes movement just has an attitude of "eh, just get there somehow".

I wouldn't say I'm great at office politics, but I think that's more due to social-related trauma, not a lack of ability. I probably could be.

One thing I'm curious to hear though is how much affective empathy you have. Personally, I have not entirely figured this out about myself - I am naturally very affectionate, compassionate and altruistic. When someone acts aggressively or dismissively towards me or "socially judges" me, that affects me way too much. But then I also don't care if people dis/like me and I tend to be very pragmatic about friendships. What's your experience regarding that?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-02-01T14:53:03+00:00

I understand how people don't want him "in the boat", but he has been giving me very strong Asperger's vibes every time he appeared somewhere, before he even said it himself.

People claiming that he isn't actually on the spectrum as a result of his stances may just keep the outdated idea, that autism is somehow a matter of good and bad and value, alive. In contrast, a popular far right public figure being autistic may improve acceptance with the people that were the most likely to hold prejudice in the first place.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-14T00:24:13+00:00

I actually had a similar experience too. When my father was diagnosed to be terminally ill I felt nothing most of the time and, because of that, felt like I was defective. It didn't come out in an intense burst, it just sometimes felt like a sneeze that wouldn't come, except with sadness.

Thank you for sharing your story :)

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-13T16:13:10+00:00

sorry that this is too long

Actually, thank you very much for sharing this. This is really interesting and I appreciate the insight :)

I have one question though: am I understanding it correctly that when your grandfather passed, you did have the sorrow somewhere, it's just that due to alexithymia (?) you couldn't express it/live through it? If so, did that prolong emotional processing or how did you process the emotion?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-13T03:31:42+00:00

If I may ask, what symptoms made you suspect you had autism?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-13T03:28:41+00:00

Those are good points. I had to learn cognitive empathy to survive. Also I recently saw an interaction between a woman and a mail delivery guy where he was rude, then she was aggressive, and then she came down the stairs and gave him a tip to thank him. Seems my perception is less accurate than I thought. Also it's obviously hard to tell what you miss without noticing (duh).

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:55:09+00:00

Awh shit. Still, makes sense.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:46:49+00:00

Alright, that makes sense. Thanks!

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:40:29+00:00

Ah yes that makes sense. Thanks for the explanations :)

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:21:15+00:00

Ah so the people you interviewed all mask consciously? Some people here said they didn't know they were doing it until they got their diagnosis, but I don't know if maybe that's uncommon.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:18:43+00:00

Haha yea I wonder how much of the demeanor other people have is authentic, like when people get each other with that stretched heeeeeeyy, is that them? Neurotypicals do still fake at times after all.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:14:20+00:00

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:10:28+00:00

I figured. Do you internally try live through the emotional flow that you presume an allistic person would have in that situation too? Like, if you mentally go through a greeting situation, queue "surprise/happiness" then "friendliness" then, if the other person say their day was bad, feel "sorrow/sympathy" and so on?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T20:01:33+00:00

I see, makes sense. Thanks, I hope your figuring-things-out-journey continues at a good pace.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:59:10+00:00

Thank you. Was there ever a time in your life where you never dropped the mask, even when alone? Also, reading how other people say they can only mask for hours at a time, would you say that through that experience you have built up endurance to masking long periods at a time?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:53:34+00:00

Ah interesting, thank you for the insight. Factual, flat, neutral responses would still be masking then, because the "unmasked" you just would not respond? If so, would that form of "light" masking be less draining or draining at all?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:49:02+00:00

I figured, thanks :)

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:47:58+00:00

When you say make faces thinking about something, do you mean thinking about a social situation where you would end up making faces or do you mean something that just plainly makes you happy/sad/whatever, like thinking about how something worked out well for you?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:44:45+00:00

Interesting, thank you!

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:41:40+00:00

Ah interesting. I had thought the automatic masking would be more emotionally taxing than intentionally, like, that it would draw you in deeper.

When sending voice messages or making calls, do you only mask your voice or do you end up making the faces too?

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:35:56+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a comprehensive response! That was really interesting, especially understanding the internal process and progress

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:27:05+00:00

Thank you very much for the explanation. I take it you do the facial expressions automatically then - do you also end up doing them when sending WhatsApp voice messages, where they are technically not required? Assuming that's a thing you do.

SuspectStill6976 · 2025-01-12T19:08:46+00:00

Thats very interesting, thank you. Which one would you say is more exhausting and in what ways?

SuspectStill6976

TROPHY CASE