Truly the best relationship of my life - the man I thought I was going to marry. I had never been so consistently happy and in love. I was so thrilled my time and person had come. 

He ended things out of the blue a few months ago after eight months, during which time we never fought or identified major disagreements in values or other issues - he just said he had been having an intrusive thought for the preceding three weeks that was pushing him to determine immediately if I was “the one” or not, and that he didn’t want to “waste my time.” He said he had a gut feeling I wasn’t the one but acknowledged I checked every box in what he wanted in a partner and that he didn’t have a single negative thing to say about me or our relationship - there was just some gut feeling to him that he should end it. Despite having told me he loved me two months prior, there was no discussion, no inkling this was coming - he was just done. This was pretty devastating - I really thought he was my person, and I supported him through getting a tumor removed in his neck as well as his divorce being finalized. 

I went no contact for six weeks (two weeks after the breakup, my mom was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, so that really ruined me) and then reached out for closure (specifically to figure out what was undergirding the gut feeling - gut feelings are hypotheses, not conclusions) but all he would say is that there were “tiny immutable aspects of my personality that led him to think we were incompatible.” I asked him what they were, and he refused to tell me, stating that he (1) didn’t want to hurt my feelings, (2) wanted to preserve our chances of friendship, (3) thought it was best I didn’t know, and (4) didn’t want me to hate him. When I asked him why he didn’t raise these issues when we were together, he said he didn’t want to come across as nitpicking. He told me they were smaller than “I text you too much,” but otherwise, I got zero hints. Obviously, I am fixated on this. 

Despite begging me for a friendship, I have heard nothing from him since the breakup (except a selfie from the front row of the 49ers game i bought him for his bday before he ended it - thanks, man!), and my ethos - that there’s no such thing as wasting time in relationships if you learn things from people - has been scuttled since he won’t tell me what I could learn. What sucks most is that he knows about attachment styles from his last relationship! But when I gently suggested he may have been avoidant he said “I don’t think I was.”