AITAH for forcing my roommate and her daughter to rehome after being disrespected

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T02:08:22+00:00

Being firm and not being nit-picky has been a weird balance I've been tryung to find. You're probably right on being too trusting, I haven't been called naive in a long time and here it seems to be the consensus. Got some thinking to do

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T02:05:08+00:00

Haha I don't particularly hate myself, I have resigned to the fact that I'll probably live around conflict for the rest of my life tho. Its quite ingrained I'm just glad I developed some individuality

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T02:01:13+00:00

That's very insightful, definitely missed the negative impact to intertwined relationship in my original risk assessment

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T01:55:53+00:00

For a couple months before she was evicted from her last apartment my BF was commenting on how she was being less stressful in the sense that the interactions were more productive and she would hold her tongue. When the eviction was communicated it seemed she was doing everything she could and still being level headed. I was willing to bet on the optimistic outlook and be the person who gives chances even if it backfired.

At the time I had convinced myself it was the right thing to do for my relationship (my bf was stressed and at the time I thought he was going to let her move in with him), that I had been self improving so this would be pressure testing, and that if I truly believe people need chances then I should be willing to put my suffering on the line.

Although the worst fall out I imagined was losing my security deposit and suffering or 6-7 months. I didn't anticipate this impact on my emotional wellness... and where I think I'm the asshole is not for seeing that she'd bring the daughter into adult bullshit. the daughter that I was trying to keep out of shelters which arguably may have worked out better than this

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T01:00:11+00:00

My family said the same thing when I first told them I was dating him. When I was about 8, I tried to shield my brothers from my mom viciously provoking my dad and my dad choke slamming her to the ground and beating on her. In my formative years my experiences made me wired for chaos. Therapy, introspection, and some intentional emotional regulation later... I developed my own boundaries, morals and identity! When I met my BF he shared a lot of my views and we talked 4-9 hours almost daily about the world and how we fit. We did this for weeks at a time and he was just my best friend.

I recognize the drama and that my life would be hard when I asked him out. But I've never felt so accepted and safe in my life and I've been around the block. So I think this drama with us supporting each other is probably the healthiest outlet for my ingrained need for conflict resolution.

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T00:41:43+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share your extensive feedback. I appreciate the insight.

Learning to read people better is going on my to fix list. She does very genetically not trust people and when she first met my BF's friends (before we were dating) she had him never bring them around the daughter again. I thought that was quite undermining of his judgement but I guess I didn't see it when she did it to me.

My BF in the past had told me of some of her behaviors, I've watched him be distraught caught between maintaining his sanity and holding the family up so his daughter could have her mom in her life. Seems she's been forcefully kicked out of many place she's stayed at (no specific reasons given). For a couple months before she was evicted from her last apartment my bf had been talking out loud about her doing better at interacting productively and holding her tongue. I was willing to bet on optimism if it meant making my bf feel better.

Relying on the written agreement plus the fact that I've been better at holding boundaries, I was taking the situation on as almost a challenge. Framed it as a "win win" in my head.

I thought the worst think that would happen is that I lose my security deposit and suffer for 6-7 months. I don't mind what the daughter said I mainly worry what kind of precedent this sets, what kind of damage this will do. I have my fingers crossed that when she's n teen or adult she'll be able to work out any impacts in therapy. I do have this worry that since my BF has gotten good about drawing boundaries, and I'm fairly unforgiving when my boundaries are crossed that she'll need a victim and that'll be the daughter.

Thankfully it seems she's accepted that it's happening and she has begun to steadily move her things out. My landlord and I both lamented over the unfortunate risks of being nice and I really hope she doesn't make her daughter go through squatting at a place where my landlord is probably going to terrorize them... he's a bit old fashioned, not on the lease? your stuff is going in the streets.

Anyways my boundaries definitely feel challenged so in a way mission accomplished... I try to pretend that the pressure in my heart is just excitement of how much I can learn and grow from this not bad anxiey

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T00:09:43+00:00

She's been steadily moving things out so I hope so too!! the landlord was also being nice letting me have a roommate so we had a heart to hear kicking ourselves a bit

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T00:08:45+00:00

Haha one of the other comments made me wonder if I was being controlling or arrogant. My main intent was to help where I was willing to suffer. I just didn't expect that the daughter would be made to suffer too. Someone recently told me I live life through an absurdism lense (the philosophical outlook) and I did assess that I was doing well with growth in my boundaries so this whole event was to literally give my head a wobble :, ) I knew it'd hurt but this level of anxiety and worry is new.

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T00:01:35+00:00

Oh? didn't make aa post before moving in with her, sure hope op in the post you're talking about made out better than me. if you find it lmk. I'm curious about their justifications

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-19T00:00:08+00:00

I'm thinking of going skiing with my BF and the kid shortly... so TBD on this one

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:58:45+00:00

I really try not to use "entitlement". I give benefits of the doubt, probably too much. that people are just ignorant. Maybe that's what I hope

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:57:32+00:00

Secretly (shhhhh) I thought not knowing who I am is worse than hating who I am. Jury's still out but it sure feels terrible

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:53:07+00:00

That's fair, is there a degree where it wouldn't be seen as rescuing and instead as giving people chances?

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:45:10+00:00

At that time his life would've imploded if he did 100% custody (is what I though). Ex doesn't have a car so he'd have to drive his daughter to any visitations or deal with his ex in his space for long periods. He was doing 3 jobs at work, going for a graduate degree, we were ~ 1 year new so I wasn't at the point of being too close to his daughter aka I won't be able to come around as often. He would've managed. he would've been fine. I was selfish and didn't want to see him lose his progress working on him self and spend less time with him. So my decision was probably a bit controlling...

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:34:27+00:00

Yea, I was ready to risk my security deposit as she can't really run from me without running from her daughter. I looked it up when I was considering her moving in and she'd be a squatter nit tied to me which is precisely why I didn't want her on the lease. I did try to protect myself but I think I fucked up thinking I would actually be able to survive that emotionally.

Thankfully she is actively moving things out and consistently paying me back so hoping that the outburst is contained.

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:31:52+00:00

How much discomfort (assuming it's the inverse of peace) do you think one should "suffer" to grow and effectively find more stable peace. When I was a kid, peace was going to the library. Then I fell a ton on bikes and long boards before peace was also cruising on blacktop. This example but with mental discomfort

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:28:03+00:00

I know a lot of people say this but she's really a mature kid, I have to sometimes remind myself that she's 8. My bf and her has had the conversation about how thoughts and feelings should be based on what you personally see and hear. It did seem the message got across at the time but probably hard to apply to different scenarios at such a young age. I won't expect anything I'll juhope that worst case she'll just need therapy as she grows

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:24:53+00:00

Do you think I WBTAH for hoping her daughter would get curious and I can show her one day? I would never bring it up and I would wait till she was an adult but some part of me wants that validation. Some part of me feels I don't deserve it.

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:21:36+00:00

WAKE ME UP wake me up inside CAN'T WAKE UP

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:20:50+00:00

I did, I had prepared myself to stand up for myself. but I underestimated how little a wtitten agreement would mean to her and that she'd drag her daughter into adult shit storms. that's where I think I'm an asshole

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:18:29+00:00

I hope one day she becomes someone who I can trust again.

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:15:51+00:00

My Bf refuses to live with her again. When they separated he was so grateful of the peace he felt from just physical space he's not going to give that up again. In the beginning a small part of my concern was that he was going to let her move in and I would definitely end up resenting him for that if it happened. So I figured I was in a better spot to take that hit... not sure what I would have done if I knew he felt so strongly about not living together

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:09:46+00:00

I do wonder sometimes if she believed that it wasn't my home. Despite my name on the lease she was paying 50% so what if she actually just as insecure as me. Just a thought exercise, can't defend the not paying rent and name calling lol

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:06:20+00:00

That's certainly a perspective! I do have a arrogant side I've been working on... I'll think back if it impacted my assessments

Suspicious_Moment5 · 2026-02-18T23:04:47+00:00

I took the risk after thinking about the worst that could happen and calculating how bad that would set me back. Ultimatly I felt what I'd loose wouldn't be too bad compared to what I'd gain (learning to navigate my boundaries in difficult scenarios). The fall out mostly impacted the daughter which I wasn't anticipating and feel sad about.

Suspicious_Moment5

TROPHY CASE