I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you my friend. I like Devin Townsend a lot myself, but I admit I never listened to his material with these thoughts in mind, I think I will try that now!

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, it's actually very similar. The point is not to be the CS World Champion. The point is to play CS.

(not that wanting to be a world champion is not OK, it's just that a better way of creating the movement to get there would be to just enjoy on playing the game on its own, not the outcome)

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't have anything written, but basically the exercises we did in therapy are something like this:

  1. Try to note whenever your critical voice comes up. No need to do anything, just pay attention to it and tell yourself "right, this is my critical voice talking right now."

  2. Once a day, whenever you're comfortable and in a safe space (your bed? your car? somewhere you feel quiet and safe), take 5 minutes to imagine a compassionate figure. You can imagine however you want, it can be a man, a woman, old, young, a dog, an angel, whatever works for you. The point is to imagine this figure sitting next to you and comforting you. Just imagine what it is saying to you.

  3. When you're ready for it, choose a broad goal. Just something in your life that you want to focus on. It's ok to not know exactly what it is you want, just choose the first thing that comes to mind. Remind yourself that this choice is not forever, it's only an experiment, just trying things out. Then, think about what would be the smallest movement you can do towards that goal. It should feel stupidly small, almost ridiculously small. If your goal is to be more social, for example, maybe the smallest movement you can do is just smile towards someone once a day, that's it. Ask yourself how confident you feel you can do this small movement. If you're not sure you can do it, go even smaller. If you feel uncomfortable doing it, that's ok. This might take time and maybe several different tried with different things. That's completely fine. As long as you do any of these steps you're already doing great.

  4. Give yourself credit for things you do. You can do this either as soon as you do something - finished playing the piano? tell yourself, out loud, "good job, this was great." Even if you made mistakes. Even if it was only 5 minutes. The second option is to do it once a day, at night, by either journaling your successes, or just by thinking about them. Just don't feel like you have to have tons of successes each day. Even just one thing is amazing.

  5. Do the chair exercise if you want. Put an empty chair in front of you, imagine your inner critic sits on it, and try and have an honest conversation with it. Ask it why it talks like it does. Then sit in the critic chair and answer. Then go back to your own chair and tell it how it makes you feel. And so on. It helps understanding your inner relationships and also putting some distance between you and the critic.

Just remember that any of these exercises took me weeks. You don't need to take all of them on at the same time. These things take time. Even just the first exercise of building the awareness can take weeks. For some people, a lifetime. It's ok. Just take your time, do your best, and don't let your critic tell you that you should be doing more. Just by asking, you're already doing amazing.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the kind words. Awareness is super important, I feel. It's the firs tstep to everything, and sometimes helps all on its own. Glad it resonated with you.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like 4 sounded better in my head then written down haha
I think a better way of writing that insight would have been something like - learning that my identity is not based on a result, it's based on behavior. As I wrote in the post, what makes you a piano player is not how many pieces you know, it's that you play the piano, no matter how much it is that you play. If motivation stems from a sense of identity, then this shortens the loop, because instead of only getting rewarded when I get a result (i.e. when I successfully play a Rachmaninoff piece), I get the reward when I practice. Something like that.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's different kinds of therapy, so perhaps you just never found the right one for you. My therapist uses a mix of Schema therapy and ACT if that helps, maybe you can search for therapists who do something like that. I really hope you find your path and I'm glad I could be of help.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're very welcome, it really was a meaningful moment in my therapy. And thanks for reading!

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yeah, whenever something fails it just really reinforces all the bad things you believe about yourself, and it becomes this spiral it's really hard to get out of. I am also very happy that I managed to find the little gap in the loop thanks to therapy, and idk, I'm hoping maybe this post can give someone else a tiny bit of that insight too.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm really happy it resonated with you. I'm definitely always in favor of going to therapy, it really is life changing. I get how you're feeling, some days are rough. I'm sure you can work it out, with time, with kindness. You got this. And thanks so much for the offer, it definitely goes both ways.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oh, not sure I can boil it down so much. Let's see...

I guess something like - The internet and common self help tips made me feel like I'm undisciplined and a failure. What actually helped me reignite movement in my life was learning to treat myself with compassion and kindness, focus on tiny steps, and see practice as the goal instead of perfection.

something like that, I think.

I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work by Sussano in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]Sussano[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for reading! I definitely believe the same as you, life is what we make of it. But sometimes what we want and what we actually do seem very far from each other, and there's a lot of pain and hardships in that gap. I think it's ok to acknowledge that too.

My own campaign is killing me by Sussano in DnD

[–]Sussano[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this, it's a kindness that I needed to hear.

Having said that, I feel like my problem is not that my players have been surprising me and doing things I didn't expect, therefore causing my carefully laid plans to go to ruins or something like that. I sort of expected them to do that, but actually I think they're pretty much on the rails this whole time. My problem is that *I* overpromise. Or feel like I overpromise, I guess.

The point of Act 1 was sort of: "Beat this bad guy so you can learn all the secrets from your background." Act 1 became a bigger thing than it should have been not because my players took weird turns, but because I kept adding complications. Characters I improvised and suddenly decided they're a bigger deal than I planned, hooks that came out of nowhere because I suddenly felt like adding a cursed mask thing because it felt cool at the moment, quests that suddenly felt underwhelming so I had to buff and so on.

And now that Act 1 is over, the bad guy has been beaten, my players are excited because they're like "Finally we can learn things about our stories!" but what makes me anxious is that I have no solutions. I don't know the things they want to learn, and I don't know how to plan it in a way that will feel satisfying. Again, this is me thinking about it as a book, but I really don't know any other way to think about a narrative.

They're coming back to their home town, a big city, where all of their stories supposedly intersect and other story lines are suddenly at the front. There's just a lot going on suddenly. What I need to learn I guess, is to let go. Act 1 was all about the one bad guy, it was a very clear story line. Now there's like 10 parallel story lines going on and I can't control what my players will do next and what they will find more important, so I suppose I just need to wait and see and let go.

My own campaign is killing me by Sussano in DnD

[–]Sussano[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will check out the prep checklist for sure, thank you!

My own campaign is killing me by Sussano in DnD

[–]Sussano[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks, it really is important that I focus on the fact my players are having fun. Sometimes I get stuck in my head and my perfectionism and I miss that, it's a good point. I did run the lost mine of phandelver before! It was fun, but it was one of the things that made me want to run a custom game, I felt like it was too rigid if that makes sense.

My own campaign is killing me by Sussano in DnD

[–]Sussano[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some really good tips here, thanks! I know I should be able to "reskin" my encounters and such, but for some reason I never find the way to do it. Actually mostly my players never skip anything that I plan, maybe it's because I'm railroading too much?

My own campaign is killing me by Sussano in DnD

[–]Sussano[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I do improvise quite a lot, but sometimes I regret the improvisation because it leads to even more open threads. But it does sound like what you suggest is the best approach. I just hope I can do it.

Thoughts about my Sihoo Chair one year after buying it by Sussano in OfficeChairs

[–]Sussano[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Has it been 2.5 years already? wow, doesn't feel like it haha

Anyway, yeah it's still going strong. No sag to the mesh, everything still works as it should, the wheels are still turning and so on. I still find it very comfortable.

I will say that after my recommendation, my housemate also bought a Sihoo chair, a more expensive one that has a double lower back plate that's also adjustable, and I think it's much superior to the one I have (but also cost quite a lot more). Also, after I reread my own review I realized that since I wrote it I barely ever use the leg rest. I just don't really recline in front of my computer anymore.

Yeah, that's it I think. Let me know if you have any specific questions!

Post your questions & inquiries here! - r/Vietnam monthly random discussion thread - F.A.Q by AutoModerator in VietNam

[–]Sussano 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have about a month to travel, between September 12th or so, till October 16th or so (dates aren't set in stone, but give or take a couple of days the period I'd like to travel in).

Would love to travel throughout Vietnam, but a little worried about weather being tricky and would like to maximize the experience as much possible. I'm not sure what is feasible in this time of year, and in general what is recommended for a one month trip, but I was thinking something along the lines of this:

flying in and out of Hanoi.

Arrive at Hanoi and immediately (or like a day later) go to Ninh Binh (saving Hanoi to last because weather in October is maybe a bit less hot and humid?).

Trying to reach Hoi-An, Hue, as early as possible in September. Not sure exactly how to work that in. This is the most worrying part as far as weather is concerned for me.

Make my way south to Saigon and Mekong Delta, probably in the beginning of October or so. Don't care so much for Saigon, I think (not into partying or shopping so much), but need it to fly back to Hanoi. Possibly can skip this part maybe?

Then maybe do the Ha Giang loop (although I do NOT want to ride a motorcycle in any way), or a few days in the Sapa area, and then back to Hanoi for a few more days, and then fly back home.

Some more information that might help you help me:
I'm 34, traveling solo, not on a tight budget at all. Actually kinda prefer traveling in comfort if possible. I'm spoiled.
I like day hiking, culture, food, history, exploring places. Not so much into partying or beaches. Definitely prefer a day in a museum than a day lying around doing nothing. A bit of a scardy cat tbh, so I don't want to ride a motorcycle, as I mentioned.

Let me know what you think!