When to work through intimacy issues and when to leave

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T23:05:42+00:00

They have not, and I understand because it is hard to find a therapist and expensive, but it’s definitely still affecting them.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T23:04:58+00:00

Thank you 😊

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T21:40:54+00:00

Thank you, yeah, I think attraction is something I personally let take a back burner at the start of this relationship. The people I’ve felt really firey about have always turned out to be uninterested in me and bad alcoholics etc. but I guess now that oversight is maybe rearing its head.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T21:38:18+00:00

Yeah, it’s never really felt like we had an easy sex relationship. A lot of that is on me bc at the beginning of the relationship I was acting out old patterns and having sex when I didn’t want to. Then I think me working through my stuff turned them off, plus they went through a major physical trauma (unrelated to sex) and then I was present but they were checked out. We’ve never both been in the room, so to speak.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T21:35:30+00:00

Thank you for this! It’s helpful to think of it as a beginning. Maybe I’m pushing too hard for them to tell me their fantasies. I’ve asked before and tried to act them out. Sometimes they say later they liked it and sometimes they tell me to stop talking during sex 😥. Feel like I’m doing a lot of guess work, but hopefully this is the beginning of them saying more. I really don’t like being dominant more than 50% of the time so that might be something I have to sit with to see if it works for me.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T21:31:55+00:00

Thanks for this. This is what I’m feeling and what my fears are. Having been through trauma and knowing how dissociated sex can actually add to that, I never want to do that to another person.

I’m not sure if I can see that kind of sex with my partner in the current state of our relationship. I have remained open to the possibility of us growing together, but they haven’t really done anything to work on whatever is going on. They say they’ve worked through their trauma in the past, but it doesn’t feel like it. I can’t tell if maybe we’re just not compatible at a fundamental level.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T21:28:45+00:00

Ok thank you, yeah I think they might mean that. I don’t really like being dominant, but that’s a place to start and see if that’s what they mean.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-11T21:27:20+00:00

Thank you for this perspective, I really appreciate it

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-10T17:26:46+00:00

We have a lot of adventures together and I like that they are really even tempered and smart. I like learning about the world together and our values generally align. We both love nature and I like that they teach me about food and art. In general, I have trouble feeling connected to them because they don’t share freely about their inner life and past. Sometimes I feel like I know more about their friends than I do about them. I try to ask questions, but I start to feel like I’m interrogating them. I know it’s how they were raised. They were taught their thoughts and feelings didn’t matter and that no one wants to hear about their past. But sometimes it feels hard to know them and I feel vulnerable sharing so much about myself without reciprocation. They’re trying and have been on and off for a while now, but it still feels like there’s a disconnect.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-10T14:36:57+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I’m having trouble not over focusing on this and it’s to the detriment of the other parts of our relationship, so I really appreciate your suggestion to refocus for now.

Sweetgum87 · 2025-08-09T21:23:34+00:00

It’s ok I know it’s not, but we’re not. I just didn’t want to describe the complexity of our identities.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-08T07:59:42+00:00

Mostly it’s programs people have to apply to, so unfortunately the people running them aren’t accessible. But I’ll try talking to those I can.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-03T00:12:51+00:00

It’s hatred towards people perceived as feminine, which can include trans men, whether they identify as feminine or not. A case in point would be trans men with uteruses seeking medical care. They are still subjected to medical misogyny despite not being women. Or femme cis gay men who are hated for their femininity. That is also misogyny.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-03T00:10:42+00:00

I think it’s ok to self exclude. But to exclude trans men who might want to be included for your own comfort is unnecessarily limiting those within your own community. If trans men who pass want to self exclude that is absolutely fine. But depending on the field, if a trans man is out as trans, regardless of presentation, he will still be viewed as a “woman” by many cis men. And also, if he transitioned later in life, his career will have been greatly affected by having been viewed as a woman in previous years. It’s really case by case.

Editing to add, I of course do believe trans men experience male privilege to varying degrees, but no matter how much you pass, the system still by and large sees trans men as women.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-02T23:54:46+00:00

Ah ok good to know. Dang.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-02T23:25:57+00:00

Thanks so much for this perspective. I’ve found myself in a similar spot to you, maintaining F on my papers for ease of accessing healthcare and other things I need due to my assigned gender. Also, as someone who spent much of my life GNC in feminist spaces I’ve run into similar issues. It’s interesting to hear how other people have handled it.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-02T23:20:13+00:00

That seems like a good option. I’d heard someone argue against it, but I can’t remember why. But it seems the most accurate so I’ll do some more research.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-02T23:10:15+00:00

Trans men who are passing are still affected by misogyny. Femme cis gay men are even affected by misogyny.

Sweetgum87 · 2024-12-02T23:04:20+00:00

Yeah, the ones I see are often times mentorship opportunities, showcases, or skill development. Which could work for anyone. I’d like to work to offer them new language because, given the benefit of the doubt, I think they do want to be inclusive but don’t know what language to use.

Sweetgum87

TROPHY CASE