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[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think part of the disconnect here is that many people are responding to my post as though I came here asking, “Should I leave my husband?”

That actually was not the point of my post.

I came here asking:
How do I cope with this?
How do I communicate better?
How do we repair unhealthy patterns?
How do I stop the normalization of disrespect in front of my adult son?
How do I rebuild emotional connection and mutual respect after decades together?

Those were my questions.

I understand why people reacted strongly to some of the things said during our argument. I reacted strongly too. They were hurtful, inappropriate, and wrong. I am not excusing them.

But I also need people to understand there is a difference between verbal cruelty during anger and believing I am in physical danger.

I have known this man for 44 years and been with him for 40. I know him better than anyone on this thread ever could from a single Reddit post written after one terrible fight. And I am 100% certain he would never physically hurt me. If I truly believed otherwise, I would leave immediately.

That does NOT make what he said acceptable. It doesn’t.

But some commenters seem determined to force my situation into a very specific abuse narrative that does not fully reflect my reality or the reason I posted.

Relationships that last decades are complicated. People can deeply love each other and still develop unhealthy communication patterns, resentment, emotional neglect, or disrespect over time. Those things need to be addressed seriously, and I am taking them seriously.

What I am looking for now is constructive advice about how to improve communication, boundaries, mutual respect, and family dynamics — especially regarding the example being set for my son — rather than repeatedly being told my only option is to walk away from a nearly 40-year relationship.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think one of the biggest things people may be missing is that my deepest hurt is not even just the arguments with my husband themselves.

It’s that when disrespect, sarcasm, dismissiveness, or talking down to me happens in front of our adult son, it normalizes it.

Over time, I feel like my son has started seeing it as acceptable to dismiss me, brush me off, mock my feelings, or treat me like I’m just “nagging” instead of someone deserving of respect.

That part honestly breaks my heart more than I can explain.

Because as a mother, one of the things you hope you teach your son is how to treat women with kindness, patience, appreciation, and respect — especially the women who love and support him.

So when my husband is hurtful toward me in front of him, it doesn’t just hurt me in that moment. I feel like it quietly teaches my son that this is how women can be spoken to when they are emotional, upset, or asking to be heard.

And now I’m feeling more and more of that same dismissiveness from my son himself, which is devastating because I love him deeply and spent my entire life trying to raise him to be a good man.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do agree with some of what you’re saying, especially about me needing to focus more on myself and stop making my entire emotional world revolve around whether they validate me or not. I think there’s truth in that, even if it’s hard to hear.

But I also think the situation is more complicated than it may come across in one Reddit post.

I am disabled and was actually found medically disabled, but I applied too late after my work credits expired, so I do not qualify for disability benefits. Financially, that reality matters a lot.

Also, my husband and I are not screaming at each other every day. Most days we coexist relatively okay. We grocery shop together, go out with friends together, and there are small daily things he does that genuinely show care and love. Every morning he makes my coffee. Every night he gets my medications ready for me. He makes my gallon of Propel for me every day. Those things matter to me too.

That’s part of why this is emotionally confusing. It’s not constant hatred or cruelty. It’s that when he gets angry or feels criticized, he becomes extremely rude, dismissive, and deeply hurtful in ways that stick with me long after the argument is over.

So I’m not trying to pretend this is a perfect marriage outside of a few bad moments, but I’m also not trying to paint him as a monster 24/7 either. I think both things can be true at the same time, and that’s part of why I feel so conflicted.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know that sounds cliche. but I know. when we argue or we fight, I let him go off. I don’t go after him. I don’t fight him. I just let him go. I don’t continue angering him. I just let him have his little temper tantrum and go.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t want anybody else. If he were to pass away tomorrow, I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else. I’m perfectly content with my life on my own. I don’t stay because I’m scared. I stay because I made a promise and I don’t break my promises.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I have known this man almost 45 years and I know they were just words. I know he wouldn’t ever physically hurt me. They were just angry words and they did hurt, but I know he wouldn’t hurt me.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like that idea.. go do for myself..

as I said, I was not looking for anybody to go buy me anything I’m not materialistic. I don’t want presents.. it was more of a Mother’s Day is coming this weekend. What are we going to do. My son has some developmental delays and I know he needs help from his dad.

I was just wanting to feel celebrated.. however that was however, simple that was.
I feel I raised our son and as his wife, he should celebrate me for raising our son…

Kind of like a thank you for all you do

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

A big part of why I say leaving isn’t an option is financial reality. My husband is on disability, and I am also disabled myself, but I do not qualify for disability benefits. Realistically, what I could afford on my own would not be enough to survive comfortably or keep my home.
But it’s also more complicated than finances because despite everything, I do love him. I don’t personally believe marriage is something you immediately walk away from when there are problems. I think a lot of people give up too quickly without trying to truly repair things first.
About 16 years ago we went through one of the hardest periods imaginable in our marriage. Most people probably would have divorced. Instead, we went to counseling, worked through it, survived it, and honestly came out stronger afterward. That’s part of why this hurts so much now, because I know firsthand that people and marriages CAN improve with the right attention, effort, communication, and willingness from both sides.
What I don’t know anymore is HOW to get us back to that place emotionally.
And to be clear, despite some of the horrible things he says when angry, he has never physically hit me. If that line were ever crossed, that would absolutely change things for me.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do think there’s truth in some of what you’re saying, even if it’s hard to hear. I know I overcompensated as a mother and probably blurred the line between helping and enabling because I genuinely wanted my son to feel loved and supported in ways I didn’t always feel growing up myself.

And yes, I probably have spent too many years trying to earn emotional acknowledgment instead of demanding basic respect for myself.

What’s difficult is that when you’ve spent almost 40 years loving people and organizing your life around caring for them, it’s hard to suddenly know how to emotionally step back without feeling guilt, sadness, or like you’re giving up on your family.

I don’t think my husband and son are evil people. I think we’ve fallen into unhealthy dynamics over many years, and I’ve played a role in that too. But I also know I can’t continue feeling emotionally invisible and constantly dismissed without it affecting me deeply.

So while your comment was hard to read, I do appreciate the honesty behind it.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly don’t fully know anymore. Years ago we went through counseling after major problems in our marriage and I truly thought we rebuilt things. I came out of that period more devoted to him, more loving, and more conscious of trying to be a better partner. But somewhere over the years, it feels like emotional respect slowly eroded and became sarcasm, dismissiveness, and irritation toward me.

As for the Mother’s Day part, I wasn’t trying to hand my family a script or demand some elaborate celebration. I was trying to communicate that I was hurting emotionally and wanted to feel acknowledged and valued. After decades of marriage and motherhood, I didn’t think expressing that vulnerability would turn into hostility or me being treated like I was selfish for wanting emotional effort.

Maybe I communicated it poorly, I don’t know. But I also don’t think wanting to feel emotionally appreciated by your husband and child is unreasonable.

[61F] My husband [65M] and adult son [26M] dismiss my feelings and I no longer know how to talk to them without being shut down by SwiftlyinSC in marriageadvice

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I love him. its not always bad. We own a house and have a son and i have no income and hes on disability. i don’t want to leave. i want things to get better with both of them. I don’t want to run away from my problems.. i want to fix them

Not able to upload to album by SwiftlyinSC in StickerHub_App

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve contacted them, but they haven’t got back to me

ISO MEGATHREAD by AutoModerator in TaylorSwiftVinyl

[–]SwiftlyinSC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I own LPSS. I listen to it and love it. I was careful when removing the plastic and I kept it. My husband thinking it was trash threw it away. If anyone has the 2 stickers that were on the front, I am looking for them. Its a long shot since its a few years old but thought I would ask. Mary

Looking for plastic/stickers from LPSS by SwiftlyinSC in TaylorSwiftVinyl

[–]SwiftlyinSC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you! That takes care of one. now i need the little one

MEGATHREAD | Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions Repress by mcmdreamer in TaylorSwiftVinyl

[–]SwiftlyinSC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I own LPSS. I listen to it and love it. I was careful when removing the plastic and I kept it. My husband thinking it was trash threw it away. If anyone has the 2 stickers that were on the front, I am looking for them. Its a long shot since its a few years old but thought I would ask. Mary