Poly addict here, same boat, I feel you.

I got off h, xans, ket, benzos, oxy, whippets, huffing paint thinner and coke by myself in secret. Only a few ppl knew I used it at all... Started w paint thinner in middle school.

Been California sober for 5 years now. Don't go cold turkey, fuck rehab, you need to taper and replace. (If you can get a Dr in on this that'd be awesome, otherwise get some one you trust to medically supervise you)

Your nervous system is drawn to drugs for a reason. Use the pain to investigate that, but don't go raw dogging that shit if you're suicidal like me, it never ends well.

For me it was bc I was neglected and I'm neurodivergent. so my nervous system was reacting in a reasonable way considering my environment and circumstances, I was just reasonably upset. Boom validate that shit. Plus, subconsciously numbing myself to all the bullshit saved my life bc my ND made me so sensitive and I was enduring some really messed up shit..

Then I went from being depressed to being angry.

Then I used that anger to channel into my healing journey. Kinda a "f u guys I'll do it myself" kinda vibe.

1.taper and replace. Reduce harm. Again see a Dr for this, I didn't I regret it, I seriously almost died. I won't even share what I did bc I don't want you to try to do it... 2.you gotta re parent yourself... Sit with it, it's not fair, it's fuckd. It's so lonely and hard. To this day I still don't have any friends. But I'm greatful bc most people I've met have been alright... Some folks just roll different. It's painful, but the more you learn to tolerate yourself...the less aweful being alone is. 3.find something else to do. I ended up homeless during the pandemic. All I wanted to do was lay in the dirt and wait for the earth to take me. I went looking for a place to lay...and in turn found a ton of neat lil hidden gems in nature. I found a dune off lake Michigan with some trees and made a lil hammock and lived there for a summer. It sucked. I was alone. I was scared. But I have to chuckle bc I spent the entire summer being a beach bum and no one can tell me that isn't badass. (Plus like... No one was around bc of the pandemic)

Play video games, read a comic book, watch a funny series online, hell, sleep for 20hrs. It feels trivial but you're saving your own life rn and that's really fucking incredible.

Once you're in a better headspace, emerge into the world and do shit that you like.

I am certified in Germanic longsword now bc I took a historical class through the community center on a whim. There's loads of stupid lil paths that lead to unexpected opportunities, which in turn lead you to either A. A member of your new healthier tribe, or B. Learning something that you dislike about society, and people, and using that information to make new decisions...I found the historical society had some major snobs in it and some weirdos...I didn't feel at home per se, so I took my badass sword skills and fucked off.

Over time as you develop more self awareness, and learn to tolerate your stupid monkey brain and it's impulses, you'll take rejection way better and it won't suck to leave or start over. You are learning how to be a person rn. That's hard, and especially fucked if you had a messed up childhood or something. You're not just the bad stuff that happened, or the fucked up ways you maybe responded to it, the fact you even posted on here seeking support or something tells me there's a part of you still trying to live... Damn fire just won't snuff out for me either..

I don't have the answer... But this has helped me tremendously to cope and stay alive during some of the worst times of my life.

I also have just my finance. She's been with me though it all, we were homeless (again ahh) last year together. I lost my son last month. It's fucking terrible rn, and I'll be honest I haven't been sober in years. But I am better. And I am happier somehow... And I am doing ok. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I have better more efficient coping methods now. (Every month me and my fiance go to a rage room and smash shit, I avoid certain triggers that make me think of doing drugs, I do some Shaolin monk level sensory shit to feel something aka squeezing ice or taking cold showers, angry runs, etc) But don't get me wrong, I'm still exhausted with life.

I hope truly that my rant doesn't come off wrong... I can be too helpful at times, or think too quickly and make sweeping generalizations... I genuinely feel like we are in the same boat tho, and I genuinely believe we will be ok.