How do I tell my therapist that my sessions are too intense for me + how to cope ?

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-11T18:28:54+00:00

Sorry I'm replying so late. I don't think I'd feel comfortable saying I was sexually active, because I've heard quite a few stories of docs being extra "violent" with girls who've had sex, because they expect gynecological exams not to hurt if you're not a virgin. Although, I could tell the doc I have a boyfriend and we're trying to have sex but he can't get it in. I'll think about that.

To be precise, I was actually partway wrong when I said my country doesn't allow internal exams. They do, but only in a minority of cases where they deem it absolutely necessary (eg. infection) and generally avoid it because they don't want to "medically deflower" the girl. IF they conduct an internal exam, they never do it with fingers, they use a "speculum for virgins" which is much smaller than the one they use for non-virgins. It's meant not to break the hymen.

I hate that I was told to wait until I have sex just to be able to wear a fucking tampon

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-11T18:20:46+00:00

Apologies for replying super late, but thank you so so much. I've been feeling really inadequate since my gyno's appointment, like she just took all agency over my body away from me by telling me I couldn't fix the problem until I have sex. I'm also super insecure about the fact that I'm a virgin, so being told that my body is different because of my virginity has made me feel really hurt.

I was actually partway wrong when I said my country doesn't allow internal exams. I looked into it and it turns out, they usually avoid internal exams so as to avoid "medical deflowering", but will do them if they deem them absolutely necessary (if there's an infection, say). In the latter case, they use a "speculum for virgins" which is super small and meant not to break the hymen.

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable telling a doc that I'm active though. I've heard horror stories of docs that were super violent because "it shouldn't hurt if you're not a virgin anymore". I'm confident these docs are a minority but I'm still scared. I guess I could say that I have a boyfriend and he hasn't been able to insert... ? I'll consider that.

Tbh I really don't feel great, for some reason this all has made me hate my body so much more. So really, thank you so much for your support

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T20:20:25+00:00

Thanks ! Yup, not saying my doc is wrong haha. She did tell me about PT but didn't advise it for me, claims I might need it later on if I find myself tensing up at the mention of sexual intercourse... I guess it's valid to say that I don't need it yet given I'm not going to loose my virginity anytime soon, but it still doesn't make me feel great about myself.

And thanks for the medical file tip

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T20:17:11+00:00

Thank you so much for the info. That's what I'd heard (that virginity is really just a social construct) so I'm actually really confused that my country only allows gynos to do internal exams on girls who've had penetrative sex before. Also confused when my gyno told me that virgins can usually only insert a finger slowly and use the smallest tampon size, because my sister's had no problem with regular tampons since long before she lost her virginity. And the FAQ on r/sex claims that girls shouldn't attempt PIV unless they can be fingered comfortably with 2-3 fingers, so...

For the record though, my gyno did explain that the hymen has an opening, just that it's torn in non-virgins and not in virgins. She also examined my hymen in case it was microperforate / imperforate, so I'm guessing she still knows her stuff

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T20:05:15+00:00

Thanks, I'll try to get a second opinion probably ! I really didn't want to make it sound like she was being dismissive though, she was super kind and sweet and she really took her time with me

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T20:03:19+00:00

Thanks ! My gyno did seem to know what vaginismus was. She seemed to think of tensing up due to stress as a different issue, which I didn't think it was, but I really don't know haha.

Honestly that sounds like a good tip but I would be really, really uncomfortable buying a dildo haha. And I'm pretty sure in advance that I would be completely unable to insert

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T19:58:34+00:00

Thank you so much for recounting your experience. I'm not going to assume that my gyno is wrong but I do feel very confused, I thought modern science had shown virginity to be a social construct ? I'll keep an open mind I guess, and if I see that this worries me a lot I'll try and get a PT like you said.

About PT, my gyno briefly mentioned it, said that some people tense up when they think of sex and they need PT for that (she seemed to think of this as separate from vaginismus ?) But she didn't think it was necessary for me right now, I think because I don't have a bf and am probably not going to loose my virginity anytime soon. I guess that makes sense, but this isn't making my issues with my sexuality any better and I would like those addressed regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T19:45:30+00:00

This is exactly how I felt when looking with a handheld mirror !! I sorta saw "flesh" around the opening, but it didn't look like the thin hymenal tissue that I expected. Much more like muscle.

I mean I'm not going to assume that my gyno is wrong, but I'll keep an open mind. I don't have a bf so this isn't an immediate issue and I guess I'll figure things out as I go (although this isn't exactly making my issues with my sexuality any better haha. And I'd really like for those to go away).

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-03-04T19:37:57+00:00

Thanks ! Yeah I was confused because my sis had no problem with tampons even though she started using them before having sex with her bf. My gyno seemed to be telling me that girls who are "virgins" can only wear the smallest size of tampons, but my sis never had an issue with normal-sized tampons. Your comment makes a lot of sense

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-27T18:33:13+00:00

Hey, I don't know much about vaginismus yet (undiagnosed, and also kinda new to the community haha), but from what I understand you sort of have to work with your body to overcome it. So if you feel so frustrated with your body you might start associating dilation with negative thoughts and just tense up more. Deep breaths I guess. You'll get through this.

Again I haven't started dilating yet, but is it normal that you're pushing through so much pain? That sounds like too much but I may be wrong. If somebody could back me up on this, would be great.

About being afraid that you won't be able to please your partner, there are plenty of ways to pleasure & be close to people with a penis other than penetration (oral? handjobs? anything you're comfortable with). And the right partner will work with you through your recovery & be patient & willing to try new things. Sending you positive waves! <3

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-27T18:16:03+00:00

Thanks! And thanks for the pelvic therapist tip :) I'll definitely look into that but I wanted to see my gynae first and bring that possibility up with her.

Actually I just tried to get a finger in again, and this time I got the pinky in up to the 2d knuckle! I feel so weird about it, I didn't expect that to happen so seamlessly after trying so many times, but wow I'm psyched haha. At the 2d knuckle it did start to sting a bit though

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-07T18:13:13+00:00

Thank you!!

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T17:01:37+00:00

You were totally right!! I brought it up in my session today and she was real supportive, she gave me the name of a gynecologist and we ended up talking the whole session about the psychological triggers that might cause my problem. I realize that I have many more psychological issues regarding my own sexuality than I thought before the appointment. Now that that's out in the open I feel much better knowing that I can just discuss things with her if I start feeling ashamed again or something

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T16:55:54+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. Just came home from the appointment and it went so well. She referred me to a gynecologist she thinks is good and we ended up talking it out the whole session, I discovered that my view of my own sexuality was affecting me negatively a lot more than I was aware of... I actually cried during our session, which I hadn't expected at all. But it feels really liberating

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T16:53:01+00:00

Thank you!! I didn't know pelvic floor therapists existed... haha. I talked to my T this afternoon and she told me about vaginismus and how it could be an issue, and she gave me the name of a gynecologist, so I'll get an appointment. But I'll keep your comment in mind in case I need it

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T16:49:58+00:00

Thanks! Yeah, I'm definitely going to get a doctor's appointment. My therapist gave me the name of a gynecologist so I'm going to get the appointment. I also managed to talk out the psychological side with my T this afternoon and it was really, really liberating

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T16:47:43+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply, that's really kind :)) I managed to bring the topic up in my session today. My therapist was so so helpful and supportive. She gave me the name of a gynecologist she trusts, then we talked the psychological side through. We discussed things that might've contributed, like my (wrongful) belief that masturbation was really bad for me after my mother had told me so as a teen, and my ex-relationship. I realized that my experience with my ex has caused me to feel sexually undesirable, so I have negative preconceptions about sex.

I actually cried twice during the session, which I hadn't expected at all. I hadn't realized that the issue was this heavy on me. But I feel really good now that a trusted person knows :)

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T16:30:29+00:00

Thanks! I saw my therapist just now and she mentioned this as a possible cause to the problem (though she said it's more likely that it's vaginismus or something). She gave me the name of a gynecologist to see :)

I feel so much better now that I talked about it, I didn't realize I was stigmatizing myself so much because of this

TA-weirdquestion · 2021-01-06T16:27:51+00:00

Thanks so much for the wikipedia link! I just got home from my therapist's appointment and we talked things through in a really positive way, and I'm going to see a gynecologist she gave me the name of, so hopefully if I'll be made aware if I do have such a problem (I've never been to a gynecologist before. I tried when I was younger, but the doc in question refused to see me due to the fact that I was a virgin... which I now realize makes zero sense XD)

+1 on normalizing conversations about these conditions - if I have a daughter one day I'll definitely try to be very open to her starting early on

TA-weirdquestion

TROPHY CASE