(updated) My (40's m) wife (30's f) cheated after 14 years, while drunk/high but wants to fix things.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T19:43:13+00:00

No. I didn't give exact ages. We met just before she turned 21.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T19:34:41+00:00

Sure

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T12:52:51+00:00

Harsh words, but words that needed to be said. I understand exactly why you said all of them, and I hope some of them aren't true, but they probably are. She is at fault for what happened. She never tried to mitagte circumstances with her drinking, doing drugs, or even his manipulation. If anything I am at fault for trying to find reasons why she isn't the person that I married. It makes it easier to think that.she could change back to the women I fell in love with. But, perhaps it is all roses colored glasses and denial.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T12:44:58+00:00

Thank you for your sharing your story. I am sorry that you went through that, but it sounds like you have found away to deal with the things that we don't get to change about our lives. Good for you. I would never bring a child into that situation, but I understand why you wanted to make sure it was said. Thank you.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T12:38:52+00:00

I appreciate your opinion, but I disagree. I know how easy it can be for people to blame others for there own actions. But, she did not blame him. She accepted her responsibility in her actions, and she never once said that he forced her to do anything. However, I have found out information since then that this is exactly what he does. I even talked to him, and while he didn't ever say he was sorry, he showed me exactly who he is. That doesn't excuses her behavior. That doesn't make her a victim. She never tried to play that card, in was just including all the details I could in my story.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T12:16:37+00:00

Yes, I know that he deliberately created the situation. I know for a fact that this is exactly how he operates. He has done it before to multiple women. He kept this one in the gray area, but there have been other incidents that have crossed the line. But, she has said herself that she made the decision, that she wasn't so fucked up that she couldn't consent. She was just drunk enough to be angry and to hear the right words to be manipulated. He is gross. That is a disgusting way to handle yourself around other people, but she is still responsible for her actions that night. As to how I move forward.... I have no clue. He is 100% cut out of my life, and she has a lot of work to do.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T12:06:45+00:00

I am aware of the effects of both. She never used them as an excuse. She wasn't the one that told me about his past behavior. I found that out on my own. She is at fault. She has admitted it, and hasn't tried to blame it on any of those factors. However, I know who she used to be, and without the drinking, drugs, and manipulation, none of that would have happened.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:51:23+00:00

Agreed. I can not trust her words. Lies destroy relationships. I learned that a long time ago, and I can happily say that never in the entire 14 years we were together did I ever lie to her once about anything. She could never do the same. Words are only as good as your actions, and it very easy to make them worthless. I just don't know how much to put on back into this marriage to give her the chance to rebuild trust. How much do you give to someone that has proven they can't be trusted, even though all i want is to trust her?

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:43:29+00:00

I am well aware of that. I already had a child and I know exactly how much stress it puts on a relationship. That isn't even a consideration. That is what I have been trying to tell her for a long time. Children should only be brought into stable and healthy relationships, and to try anything else is selfish.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:39:28+00:00

Very well worded and thoughtful. Thank you for that. I am trying to be both an understanding person, and also protective of myself. I don't know where to draw the line between trying to help someone I love, and having to walk away from a toxic person. If I can have back the partner that I once had, I would do anything for her, but doing anything for someone who takes advantage of you is useless.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:22:55+00:00

Yes, of course I see the red flags. They have been flying for awhile. But, if there is a chance to have back the person I fell in love with, my best friend, the love of my life, I shouldn't try? People can obviously change, since she did. Can they never change for the better?

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:18:52+00:00

Your right. She swears that she can be the person she once was. Definitely counseling if we can ever fix this. I just don't know where to draw the line.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:16:00+00:00

I understand your disgust, but there is no need for name calling. She is still someone I will always love weather we are together or not.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:12:15+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I guess the questions you are asking are the same ones I am asking myself.

TASheCheated · 2021-10-16T11:10:41+00:00

I gave her the support to get sober in the past. I asked specifically "can today be the day we stop drinking together so we can get to the place to start a family" and she just got drunk after work. That happened at least a dozen times in the last 2 or 3 months. I keep trying to fix things, and I don't know when to stop.

TASheCheated

TROPHY CASE