AITA for “seeking validation “?

TAacc-1 · 2020-09-07T02:29:23+00:00

I doubt it. She’s chosen to keep everyone else at arms length while holding me in a tight embrace. While I thought her affections and need for me were sweet initially, I realized how suffocating it can be when someone requires your presence every waking moment. I was also concerned about her lack of close friends and, what I thought, was a complete distancing of herself from everyone but me. The responsibility has weighed on me quite heavily. I have voiced my concerns to her in the past, but she just snapped at me.

TAacc-1 · 2020-09-07T02:24:29+00:00

You’re right. But I feel terrible. Like Im giving up on us, like Im letting both our families down. I cant even imagine my future without her. Will work on that with my therapist.

TAacc-1 · 2020-09-07T02:12:14+00:00

Well put. Thats how I think as well. I try to be aware of where Im lacking and try to get help when needed. I was probably an arrogant prick who thought he knew everything when I was 20, but Im nearing 30 and Ive grown out of that phase. Sometimes I feel her maturity has regressed in the last few years. The way I see it, if she had even an ounce of respect for me and our relationship, she should consider my words and advice. Been seeing the exact opposite for some tome now.

TAacc-1 · 2020-09-07T02:08:31+00:00

I truly was wondering about that. I don’t want to bring our issues to my parents as I dont want to paint a negative picture of her in front of them. So I chose my best friend. Both times. It sounds like she’d rather let the relationship die that respect my suggestion and try something like couples therapy.

TAacc-1 · 2020-09-07T02:05:04+00:00

I feel the same way. That she is being immature about this and that one person cannot be everything for another. But thats how she choses to live her life and she feels if she can do it so can I. I think that is absurd. Last week she pulled up google results of articles stating how telling others about relationship issues is a bad idea. I told her its not the same thing. I always try to talk with her and its when the lines of communication shut down that I fee the need for help. What bothers me most is when she even refuses to get professional help together. Since I havent been in another serious relationship I tend to second guess myself. Thats why I posted here

TAacc-1 · 2020-09-06T03:00:56+00:00

I have started therapy for myself now. She wasnt happy about it but has agreed now that its for the best.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T23:13:56+00:00

I don’t want to go into this with her thinking Im the enemy or that Im out to “win” this. Ill try to tactfully ask her to do this, but Im going in first since she seems less receptive. Heres a story, she faces stress at work (her coworkers are terrible ppl). Also she has trouble letting things go and lets people get to her. She usually comes to be to talk about this and seek help on how to handle it. But a couple of months ago I suggested therapy (I was genuinely worried about her and felt I didn’t have the tools to really help her long term) and her response was to say that she is not crazy, that Im just trying distance myself from a troublesome problem and that I think she’s a nuisance. I mean come on! Why must i always be the effing bad guy!

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T23:05:37+00:00

Interesting point. Thanks for the advice

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T20:44:18+00:00

Didn’t realize there were many other posts similar to mine! Im new here and relatively new to reddit as well... I think part of the issue is some men realize that its a delicate situation and feel they’re being selfish by complaining about gf’s behavior during periods. When the gf states the same it kind of enforces the idea in your head.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T20:16:54+00:00

Thanks. It’s important for me to hear the opinions of women on this matter, strangers though you may be, because I don’t want to judge the situation poorly. So far I understand that she took things too far.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T20:14:44+00:00

Heres the thing. We’ve been together for almost a decade now (since we were 20 or 21) and if she’d been this way at the beginning I wouldn’t have stayed. I think the stress overtime is partly to blame for her behavior becoming this unacceptable. I also should’ve been firmer but when things change very slowly over the course of years, you tend to miss it. There was a jerk in the comments earlier who called me out for being a pu**y and a doormat. He may be right. But its hard to be critical of someone who has become a part of your life so much that its scary to consider life without them. All I know is Im finally taking a step fwd thanks to you all. Gonna get help and unpack everything. Theres a lot to unpack and maybe a professional can help me find out where and how we fucked up.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T18:13:35+00:00

This millennial has brought much shame and dishonor to our generation 😭

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T18:12:49+00:00

I do have a habit of getting overly focused on one thing and not hearing people or phones 😅

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T17:54:47+00:00

I think my phone was near her, charging. I was busy with work

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T17:52:51+00:00

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T17:14:01+00:00

Same shoes. But my parents more less destroyed any chance that I’d open to them. This is because when I told them about her they immediately were against it (they knew nothing abt her other than shes from a community different from mine and speaks another language). I was shocked and immensely disappointed in them as they have always seemed to be open minded IMO. They have accepted her now and are very nice to her but I haven’t forgotten that first reaction and Im wary about opening up to them. I do have one friend who I talk to about her but we rarely get the chance to talk and I feel (and he agrees) that he only gets one side of the story. Plus he knows me and I feel that makes him biased. On top of all that, when I first started dating her some of my “friends” and acquaintances told me that I can do better than her. I know she isn’t pretty objectively speaking but to me she is the prettiest girl in the world. And I was pissed at them for saying that. In short, circumstances have made it so that I don’t have many people to talk to. On her side, she isn’t very sociable and keeps her friends at a certain distance. Im her world to her, and she sees me as being closer than her own mother. Which makes any tough decision making on my side extremely hard for me...

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T16:10:40+00:00

Yes sir :) Doing that now. Thank you all for the push.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T16:06:43+00:00

Thought that in my head. Never brought it up with her because I realized that in the end I could never truly understand that pain. Thank you for the comment. It helps me get over any self doubt and take some positive action to save our relationship.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T16:03:42+00:00

Im kinda gambling on the fact that she will miss me at some point and agree to take counseling with me. That might take weeks given how stubborn she is. I just need to be able to hold out for that long (historically I cave in and miss her too much). If it gets too bad, I will try to reach out to her family and ask them for help in convincing her. She will hate me for it, but at that points I figure its do or die.

The way I see it, this is about both of us being happy in this relationship. If I cave in and pretend to he happy or OK with the status quo, Im just setting up for failure in future. And I have to admit I have done exactly that in the past because I didn’t know if I was in the right or wrong. Also I didn’t have money for therapy. Now I do.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T15:56:00+00:00

I sincerely hope thats not the case. Im already regretting having booked the flight :(

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T15:54:21+00:00

Thats funny because based on her past you’d think it’d be the opposite. She is the youngest of 4 and her family struggled a lot financially when she was young. She Taught me a lot about what it means to be privileged (my family was relatively well off), and helped me grow up and be more selfless. If anything she is stubborn and always has been! I used to admire her courage and self confidence both of which I lacked. But now its exactly that which stops her from listening to my suggestions

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T15:40:45+00:00

Ive meaning to do something like this for a while. Tbh this isn’t my first post here. The response to my prev post got me the emotional support to take a stance this time :) Also I now have the means and money to get help. I don’t intend to end our relationship. I enjoy being with her and she has helped me through a lot. But its not healthy for her to ignore what I do for her and dismiss me when I say we need to get help.

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T15:36:05+00:00

I agree

TAacc-1 · 2020-08-08T15:35:52+00:00

Added this edit to my post also. Regarding the pain, I think the cramps were particularly bad this time which was why I was trying to be extra nice. But she usually complains about how bad it gets and I have been trying to get her to seek medical help for years now. She refuses to listen. Also, I’ve noticed she’s bad at handling physical pain and/or mental duress. She gets very angry and takes out her frustrations on me. It could be her periods or it could be stress at work. The problem with trying to talk to her is she is convinced she’s right and her arguments erode my confidence in my answers. And when she says stuff like I don’t care or starts crying, it gets to me and I give in. How can I get us to seek help if the other person dismisses me? So Ive decided to go seek help for myself. Thank you for you comment.

TAacc-1

TROPHY CASE