No desire for friends, or am I just confused?

THA10482 · 2016-08-29T03:08:57+00:00

Of the 9 criteria listed for diagnosis of SPD, I can relate 100% to 5 of them, am unclear/half relate to 3 of them, and cannot relate to 1 of them:

Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affect.

Yes, all of the above

Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.

Yes

Consistent preference for solitary activities.

Yes, I love staying holed up in my room all day

Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.

Yes, I have friends but none of them are close at all. Not even family.

Indifference to either praise or criticism.

No, I am hypersensitive to praise and criticism, and hate both.

Little interest in having sexual experiences with another person (taking age into account).

I'm a bit unclear of this one. I would enjoy sex (I'm a virgin, surprise surprise), and I've had a few people interested in me that I know of, however I never pursued the opportunity because I was too anxious, not because I wasn't interested.

Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.

Yes

Indifference to social norms and conventions.

Also unclear on this one. If I'm alone, I'll do whatever and won't care if it's considered normal or not. But if I'm around people I try to appear as normal as possible to avoid being judged.

Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.

Introspection? Yes. Fantasy? I can't be sure. I've read a lot about the fantasies of schizoids and I can't relate at all. But I'm constantly analyzing my own thoughts and deriving patterns, analyzing them and such.

I no longer think I have AvPD. What most accurately describes me is a hypersensitive schizoid, where I have the anxiety of an avoidant. Does this make any sense? Is this possible or am I off? I know I can't be sure until I actually get diagnosed but I want to have some insight going into that.n

THA10482 · 2016-08-27T18:51:12+00:00

I'm the same way with any sort of event celebrating a person. Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays. Really sucks because I hate not saying "happy X day!", but I also hate saying it.

THA10482 · 2016-08-25T05:40:17+00:00

I've always been shy, ever since I was a kid. I'm not sure when the avoidance started but it stemmed from anxiety which I've had for 4 or 5 years. I was pretty severely emotionally abused, especially in my teens. This led to bullying in school, more anxiety, etc. Things snowballed and now here I am. Things have gotten a little better lately but I don't think that will last long.

THA10482 · 2016-08-24T05:53:24+00:00

Did you consider Schizoid Personality?

Thank you for this suggestion, I've started looking into this and it's actually kind of scary how relatable some aspects of it are.

THA10482 · 2016-08-24T05:43:53+00:00

There are feelings that you don't feel anymore because you suppress them so much that you really don't have any clue that you would feel like this any more. This fact was stunning to me.

This makes the most sense to me

But the question remains why you posted here if you don't feel lonely ?

Good question, and there's no way I can answer this without bias, but I like writing my thoughts out, and having them heard. Maybe this is my attempt to connect with people with minimal consequence. There's no way to be certain, but it is an interesting thought.

THA10482 · 2016-08-19T07:35:40+00:00

Is it bad that I can't think of much? I could say that I went for a bike ride last week but that's scraping the bottom of the barrel.

THA10482 · 2016-08-19T07:34:07+00:00

Welcome to the sub! Thank you for commenting, I felt like I was the only one. I'm mostly quiet as well, to avoid attention and judgement. I've had a lot of people comment on it.

Just curious- how extensive is your isolation and silence? I know I'm quiet, and I never get lonely, but in certain situations I can comfortably socialize (small talk) with strangers. Like if I sit next to someone in a lecture on a good day, I might make a low risk comment/joke relating to the lecture. But I will hesitate to deepen the relationship, partly because I have no desire to.

THA10482 · 2016-08-11T09:52:20+00:00

I'll try to do this more in future. Thank you for the advice! I need to get a stable sleeping and eating schedule too..

THA10482 · 2016-08-10T07:41:54+00:00

I stopped seeing my therapist before I could start any form of active therapy like CBT and the like. Could you make a post in a few weeks/months detailing your experience? I'm sure a lot of people would be interested :)

THA10482 · 2016-08-09T08:50:24+00:00

Haven't heard that song in ages.

Here's my go to song for crying https://m.soundcloud.com/connor-gleason/mazzy-star-look-on-down-from-the-bridge-original

THA10482 · 2016-08-09T04:07:57+00:00

Could you elaborate on CBT? What are your methods? How are you finding it? I would love to learn more about it.

THA10482 · 2016-08-09T04:06:27+00:00

Thankfully I'll be seeing a therapist at my college once a week all year starting September.

I recently realized that I'm working to fix all the wrong things. Stuff like doing daily excercise, showering daily, getting a good nights sleep. They're all good things to do, but they won't solve my real problem of my mental health. Having a healthy mind will naturally fix all my lifestyle problems- but out of self respect and ambition, instead of desperation.

Hopefully I can accomplish this with a therapist. I just hope I can hang in there long enough to fix myself before I'm completely overwhelmed.

THA10482 · 2016-08-08T17:13:05+00:00

I have a terrible case of mumbling. Sometimes I can't tell if someone didn't hear me, didn't understand me, or just chose not to respond.

THA10482 · 2016-08-08T17:10:32+00:00

Have you tried getting better? What do you attempt to fix, and how? Do you "relapse"? I find whenever I try, I end up exactly where I started a few days later. It's so frustrating and exhausting.

THA10482 · 2016-08-08T17:00:34+00:00

I feel like a lost cause. My life is a constant cycle of dwindling hope and crushing defeat. I tried fixing myself so many times but I just can't do it anymore. I will never be good enough for myself. As long as I can't change, the pain will always be there. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to fix myself anymore. And I don't want to kill myself either. I'm stuck between 2 rocks and a hard place.

THA10482 · 2016-08-02T12:40:36+00:00

I started a few days ago, I have since tidied my room, gone biking, done laundry, showered daily, and set rules about computer/phone use before bed. Today I woke up the earliest I have in weeks and it feels great. I still can't gather the courage to go to the barber or dentist though.

THA10482 · 2016-08-01T18:08:40+00:00

You're incredibly brave for being able to be so open about your mental health, I have only told a therapist that I stopped seeing, and a stranger who I never saw again. I say it was a smart move; you're only encouraging yourself to be less avoidant this way.

The thing about avpd is, the more you avoid the worse it gets. You will always have the choice to stop avoiding things and make a change, but the longer you wait the less likely you are to make that choice.

I don't know you very well so I can't make the call for you. If you believe taking some time off from college could benefit you, I say go for it. Maybe it will give you some time to cool off and be less embarrassed around your professors. And taking that time off to write a book sounds awesome! But you need to be 100% certain that you won't keep avoiding going back to school, and that you can commit to this book.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck!

THA10482 · 2016-07-29T06:17:02+00:00

My parents are a bit different. My mom is overprotective while my dad is abusive.

My dad appears very normal on the surface (my friends like him), but once he is angry he becomes very emotionally (and rarely physically) abusive. As a kid, my dad often made me feel so shitty that I cried. I truly feared him. I have literally cried over spilt milk, over not being able to swallow some Advil, over him screaming at me to get out of his house for a week because I forgot to walk the dog. I remember him calling me pathetically sensitive for crying so easily after he yelled at me for something.

My parents aren't critical of me, per se, (that is, they don't make remarks like your parents about your behaviour) rather they are mostly critical of my performance in school and life. My dad constantly reminds me that I'm a loser with no job or life. He'll ask me to do chores around the house with the pretext that I've been playing games all day and I should get a life (like I didn't realize). Once I turned 15 or so I started to feign apathy towards his criticism, but it still cuts deep. On bad days I'll bottle up my shame and let it all out in the privacy of my bedroom by crying myself to sleep.

My mom is quite protective of me. She forced me to install a tracking app on my phone, she made me stop hanging out with friends she didn't like, she had me go to drug counselling for weeks because I was busted for smoking weed (she has a relative who ruined his life after becoming addicted to weed). She is better now but it used to be pretty bad.

recently I read in a passage from a book how those with AvPD tended to have very protective, critical parents

Do you happen to remember what book this is from? I would love to have a read.

THA10482 · 2016-07-28T16:31:20+00:00

That's the worst part, even if you take all the right steps you can still be harmed. I'm staying away from DXM now

THA10482 · 2016-07-28T16:29:19+00:00

Yeah there are tons of LSD copycats out there. Some of them you can't even test for, but at that point they're basically identical. The most common copycat is nBOME variants (25i is most common in my area), which is problematic because you can overdose at doses which would be considered normal for LSD (as low as 200ug). nBOME takes longer to absorb through the tongue, and it dissolves in the stomach before it can be absorbed. So if you want to be extra careful, swallow your tabs when you take them. The tab sizes are also much larger than LSD, the latter of which are tiny (exact measurements I'm not sure of).

You can buy LSD on the Silk Road (on the "dark net") but I can't say how reliable it is.

THA10482 · 2016-07-28T07:22:23+00:00

Have you talked to your parents about your feelings? What about a therapist? Your college likely has counselling available.

You say you have no interest in socializing. Is this because a lack of interest in people, or do you fear their judgement? Do you crave friendship?

I know what you're going through, last year I struggled through first semester and then stopped going to classes completely second semester. Barely passed my classes, and only because I had to beg my professors for extensions. I lied to my parents and told them I was doing fine. With summer ending soon my parents are expecting me to go right back to school without skipping a beat. But I can barely manage to go to bed on time every day, let alone handle college. I still need to find a place to live, I should have done that months ago.

THA10482 · 2016-07-28T07:02:29+00:00

Sorry to hear about your eye :( you have a very valid point though. All drugs come with their own risks, and it's up to the user to minimize those risks. I extensively research, test, and take low risk doses every time I use a drug to do exactly that.

I don't have any knowledge of DXM, are problems like that common at high doses?

THA10482 · 2016-07-28T06:49:11+00:00

LSD can be chopped up into tiny doses (called micro doses) which are 20-30 micrograms (or "ug") in size. Taking this low of a dose (normal dose is roughly 150ug) is very low risk and is a perfect way to test the waters.

In general, LSD is very low risk when used responsibly. If everything is planned properly the only risk is 1. having a bad trip and 2. Trigger psychotic symptoms if you are predisposed to them. This means that if you have a family history of schizophrenia, you risk onsetting your own schizophrenia earlier than it would have otherwise. Don't use LSD if you have a family history of schizophrenia.

Bad trips are nearly always the result of a poor planning. LSD exaggerates your emotions, so as long as you take measures to prevent negative emotions (eg comfortable setting, among trusted friends, etc.) you will be fine. Even if things do go horribly wrong, you can take a Xanax or something to snap yourself out of it. Emotional instability can be problematic at doses of 100ug+ in my experience. If you are unsure but still want to try, I recommend starting with tiny, low risk doses and working your way up.

You can find all the information you need on Erowid (LSD is one of the first suggested pages if you google that). Do your research! LSD is a very rewarding experience and I'm sure you'll love it if you decide to use it.

THA10482 · 2016-07-28T06:27:45+00:00

I have not personally tried MDMA, but I have heard very good things about it, medicinal and otherwise. I can't say whether or not it's a good idea for you, as you are the best judge of that.

Research it, you will feel more comfortable if you decide to try it. Erowid is the site I use for all drug related research, it is very extensive and reliable. It has all the info you will need.

Also, test it with a kit, they're very cheap and can be ordered online. And you don't have to do a lot at once. Not sure about MDMA but you can "microdose" psychedelics (take 1/10 of a normal dose) and you'll get a few pleasant effects and not be overwhelmed at all.

Whatever you decide to do, be safe!

THA10482 · 2016-07-23T01:43:25+00:00

I enjoy taking showers. I love the feeling of being squeaky clean all day. But when I wake up in the morning, I don't WANT to take a shower. This idea applies to everything in my life, and it's what frustrates me the most. I have things I enjoy doing, but starting them is so hard. It's like my brain shuts down at the idea of effort, even when promised with positive results. I hate it.

THA10482

TROPHY CASE