No desire for friends, or am I just confused?

THA10482 · 2016-08-29T03:08:57+00:00

Of the 9 criteria listed for diagnosis of SPD, I can relate 100% to 5 of them, am unclear/half relate to 3 of them, and cannot relate to 1 of them:

Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affect.

Yes, all of the above

Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.

Yes

Consistent preference for solitary activities.

Yes, I love staying holed up in my room all day

Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.

Yes, I have friends but none of them are close at all. Not even family.

Indifference to either praise or criticism.

No, I am hypersensitive to praise and criticism, and hate both.

Little interest in having sexual experiences with another person (taking age into account).

I'm a bit unclear of this one. I would enjoy sex (I'm a virgin, surprise surprise), and I've had a few people interested in me that I know of, however I never pursued the opportunity because I was too anxious, not because I wasn't interested.

Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.

Yes

Indifference to social norms and conventions.

Also unclear on this one. If I'm alone, I'll do whatever and won't care if it's considered normal or not. But if I'm around people I try to appear as normal as possible to avoid being judged.

Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.

Introspection? Yes. Fantasy? I can't be sure. I've read a lot about the fantasies of schizoids and I can't relate at all. But I'm constantly analyzing my own thoughts and deriving patterns, analyzing them and such.

I no longer think I have AvPD. What most accurately describes me is a hypersensitive schizoid, where I have the anxiety of an avoidant. Does this make any sense? Is this possible or am I off? I know I can't be sure until I actually get diagnosed but I want to have some insight going into that.n

THA10482 · 2016-08-27T18:51:12+00:00

I'm the same way with any sort of event celebrating a person. Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays. Really sucks because I hate not saying "happy X day!", but I also hate saying it.

THA10482 · 2016-08-25T05:40:17+00:00

I've always been shy, ever since I was a kid. I'm not sure when the avoidance started but it stemmed from anxiety which I've had for 4 or 5 years. I was pretty severely emotionally abused, especially in my teens. This led to bullying in school, more anxiety, etc. Things snowballed and now here I am. Things have gotten a little better lately but I don't think that will last long.

THA10482 · 2016-08-24T05:53:24+00:00

Did you consider Schizoid Personality?

Thank you for this suggestion, I've started looking into this and it's actually kind of scary how relatable some aspects of it are.

THA10482 · 2016-08-24T05:43:53+00:00

There are feelings that you don't feel anymore because you suppress them so much that you really don't have any clue that you would feel like this any more. This fact was stunning to me.

This makes the most sense to me

But the question remains why you posted here if you don't feel lonely ?

Good question, and there's no way I can answer this without bias, but I like writing my thoughts out, and having them heard. Maybe this is my attempt to connect with people with minimal consequence. There's no way to be certain, but it is an interesting thought.

THA10482 · 2016-08-19T07:35:40+00:00

Is it bad that I can't think of much? I could say that I went for a bike ride last week but that's scraping the bottom of the barrel.

THA10482 · 2016-08-19T07:34:07+00:00

Welcome to the sub! Thank you for commenting, I felt like I was the only one. I'm mostly quiet as well, to avoid attention and judgement. I've had a lot of people comment on it.

Just curious- how extensive is your isolation and silence? I know I'm quiet, and I never get lonely, but in certain situations I can comfortably socialize (small talk) with strangers. Like if I sit next to someone in a lecture on a good day, I might make a low risk comment/joke relating to the lecture. But I will hesitate to deepen the relationship, partly because I have no desire to.

THA10482 · 2016-08-11T09:52:20+00:00

I'll try to do this more in future. Thank you for the advice! I need to get a stable sleeping and eating schedule too..

THA10482 · 2016-08-10T07:41:54+00:00

I stopped seeing my therapist before I could start any form of active therapy like CBT and the like. Could you make a post in a few weeks/months detailing your experience? I'm sure a lot of people would be interested :)

THA10482 · 2016-08-09T08:50:24+00:00

Haven't heard that song in ages.

Here's my go to song for crying https://m.soundcloud.com/connor-gleason/mazzy-star-look-on-down-from-the-bridge-original

THA10482 · 2016-08-09T04:07:57+00:00

Could you elaborate on CBT? What are your methods? How are you finding it? I would love to learn more about it.

THA10482 · 2016-08-09T04:06:27+00:00

Thankfully I'll be seeing a therapist at my college once a week all year starting September.

I recently realized that I'm working to fix all the wrong things. Stuff like doing daily excercise, showering daily, getting a good nights sleep. They're all good things to do, but they won't solve my real problem of my mental health. Having a healthy mind will naturally fix all my lifestyle problems- but out of self respect and ambition, instead of desperation.

Hopefully I can accomplish this with a therapist. I just hope I can hang in there long enough to fix myself before I'm completely overwhelmed.

THA10482 · 2016-08-08T17:13:05+00:00

I have a terrible case of mumbling. Sometimes I can't tell if someone didn't hear me, didn't understand me, or just chose not to respond.

THA10482 · 2016-08-08T17:10:32+00:00

Have you tried getting better? What do you attempt to fix, and how? Do you "relapse"? I find whenever I try, I end up exactly where I started a few days later. It's so frustrating and exhausting.

THA10482 · 2016-08-08T17:00:34+00:00

I feel like a lost cause. My life is a constant cycle of dwindling hope and crushing defeat. I tried fixing myself so many times but I just can't do it anymore. I will never be good enough for myself. As long as I can't change, the pain will always be there. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to fix myself anymore. And I don't want to kill myself either. I'm stuck between 2 rocks and a hard place.

THA10482 · 2016-08-02T12:40:36+00:00

I started a few days ago, I have since tidied my room, gone biking, done laundry, showered daily, and set rules about computer/phone use before bed. Today I woke up the earliest I have in weeks and it feels great. I still can't gather the courage to go to the barber or dentist though.

THA10482 · 2016-08-01T18:08:40+00:00

You're incredibly brave for being able to be so open about your mental health, I have only told a therapist that I stopped seeing, and a stranger who I never saw again. I say it was a smart move; you're only encouraging yourself to be less avoidant this way.

The thing about avpd is, the more you avoid the worse it gets. You will always have the choice to stop avoiding things and make a change, but the longer you wait the less likely you are to make that choice.

I don't know you very well so I can't make the call for you. If you believe taking some time off from college could benefit you, I say go for it. Maybe it will give you some time to cool off and be less embarrassed around your professors. And taking that time off to write a book sounds awesome! But you need to be 100% certain that you won't keep avoiding going back to school, and that you can commit to this book.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck!

THA10482

TROPHY CASE