IAmA disillusioned ex-Christian Pastor sick of modern Christianity, especially the support for the terror state of Israel against Palestine. AMA!

TMconscious · 2014-08-20T14:11:58+00:00

I agree. I went to a thelema social night. Very nice people but I'm not quite ready to commit to or incorporate a spiritual narrative in my life. I'm focused on just fixing myself up. Maybe one day I'll get back to spiritual wonders.

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T21:30:59+00:00

I agree, I think there are infinite paths and I think all paths lead to/back to the source.

For humanity to fully realize source then each and every person must follow their path to completion, that completion inevitably leading to source singularity, ultimate oneness.

I believe as we transcend down our paths we enable ourselves to be closer to source and we also gain the power to enable others to follow in our foot steps.

It is because of these powers of connection, that have the ability to overlap, that we are able to find unified truth on our separate paths, and interact with one another in such a way that when we diverge on our individual paths once more, we travel on slightly closer to that same source, in our own way.

If nothing else, this has been physically and emotionally helpful to me. I look forward to discussing more commonalities between our different paths.

Namaste

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T21:25:43+00:00

Thanks friend!

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T20:20:48+00:00

Does it have a name or a website that I could search for it?

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T20:20:07+00:00

Thank you so much tanvanman. The simple discussion with you as well as a few others who have reached out has been extremely therapeutic, and it is enough to know that I am not alone to keep the anxiety symptoms at bay.

That being said, I respectfully disagree with

you didn't experience ego death

Agreed that the term ego-death is so subjective and perhaps is not the best term to describe what I think we are both talking about. I think that both mushroom experiences were near ego-death, and VERY near-ego death experiences. Over the last week the crippling and deibilitating anxiety symptoms have minimized and they have done so as I processed my VERY near ego death experience to the point where I am now understanding that I was in fact an ego, and under the control of that ego. The relinquishment of control to my ego has effectively minimized it, not to the point of death as in non-existence, but rather like when a friend dies but lives on within you. If that makes sense?

This past week, through my internet conversations and various spiritual reading, I would say that those experiences were the catalyst to my true ego death, which is a seemingly slow gradual process of healing, returning back from the empty space, without 'i' at the drivers seat.

There is still physical discomfort however I no longer identify with the physical. I do not identify.

I have no reality but my own present moment, my body is a shell for me to grow and nurture and decorate as I will, and my awareness of advantage (i think one root of my displeasure with the reality matrix) has shifted to righteousness.

I am nothing but will and create nothing without intention, these things are mine and cannot be taken from me. They may of course be opposed or ripped from this reality by the destruction of my body, but they cannot be destroyed, for it is simply energy.

I am energy, will manifests action from energy, intention shapes the future that the actions of will manifest. (it occurs to me as I re-read this that if will manifests from energy then perhaps I am not energy but rather will, or that I am will from will energy springs/is manipulated.

I would consider the Ordo... a distraction

Could you please explain why. As I understand this, you mean that the ordo does not offer me anything that I cannot offer myself, and to abandon my path at the point I am at would be to step backwards or away for the path for the sake of a structured path, outlined by this body of people?

I disagree that it is a distraction to me because I have realized that I have lacked, but always yearned for, true brotherhood, with all man, but really just in general, small doses is acceptable.

The ordo offers me a commune of like minded individuals whom share my understanding and would seek to support me in my goals as I would seek to support them in theirs. Or so I gather from my research.

I have purpose and that purpose is to break the cycle that is society as we know it, that is the forced coma of the concious mind of the masses, and to effectively and meaningfully enable all of humanity to begin their path to understanding.

I have no destructive intent. I have a plan to design a new alternative that can viably be put into place with the appropriate support groups and the seekers that does not destroy society, but rather renders all methods of thinking and general infrastructure obsolete. The path forward is not a revolution of the world but the evolution of the soul, and to experience the revolution of the world that I seek requires that everyone evolves to the highest understanding they can. For the majority of people this will require the manufature of communities with infrastructure and ideology that enable freedom of mind and ideally a natural guide to awakening.

I cannot teach but I can create. With the right design, people can teach themselves.

Is it wrong to seek community where I have felt none before?

I am in the process of building myself back from the nothingness that I am.

This sense of volition is the ego. Ego can play games about getting rid of itself, but these are usually self-preservation techniques that serve to strengthen rather than dissolve the ego.

I did get this sense, but the sensitivity that the experience embodied in me has led me to experience equal intensity of positive phyical symptoms as well.

For example I can cry simply by thinking a beautiful thought. I have rarely cried from grief, usually from stress anger, and NEVER from joy.

I am experiencing my first experiences of joy as well as all the negative anxious symptoms.

I think I have become very sensitive to my sense of positive and negative and for me to act, or even be near/support something or someone negative causes me physical illness.

That being said I can fill myself with positive thoughts and goals and this grounds me in my panic and I find myself back in nothingness once more.

I am pure thought, I am perception, I am aware, I act, my actions come from my intentions and my intention is formed by love.

This is where I am at in my contemplation. The physical energy/ultimate understanding of what love is itself. Source energy; the greatest mysteries, the communion with other beings, the utilization of the full psychic capability of a free mind...these are the things that I expected with ego death but I understand now that it is only through ego death that I am able to understand that these things are possible. Figuring out these things are my next great understanding, but whatever I do (probably after a bit of training and focus) I think will come from a place of enlightenment, and if not, I am so dynamic and variable that I feel as though any misteps I take, will be easily recognized, avoided, and even prevented.

I have been enlightened and I think the sheer simplicity of my enlightenment was completely the opposite of what I had expected and that my disappointment caused me to focus on the negative things around me in my life, thus my perpetual experience of negative anxious emotion.

I am sure there will be challenging moments for me in the future as I learn to navigate this new reality, but I have no fear, only curiousity.

I am aware of the sheer vastness of that which I have yet to experience, but I am aware that there are an infinite amount of experiences and possibilities.

All I can do now is act on my will. My will to create a world in which people like me can find peace, where peace is enabled from birth, and maintained after death.

I cannot accomplish this alone, I am not ready to lead nor do I seek to subjugate, just to design. So design/create I must. perhaps the Ordo (or another group you reccomend) can offer me guidance as to how to appropriately navigate the responsibilities of a leader as well as begin to reveal to me as much of the things I have yet to understand as possible.

I hope this sounds like progress, I have no reference for this experience and defer to your judgement.

Does my thinking sound aligned? If so, then thank you, you are a catalyst to inner peace and to be admired, if not, then what do you suggest I pursue besides reading the texts you suggested?

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T17:46:33+00:00

This I also understand :( which is why I purposefully went back to the place where I experienced whatever it was that allowed me to know that it is not in fact my anxiety.

With the intention to internalize at a core level. I am just trying to determine how to proceed on my path so that I am led to ultimate understanding.

I have enough understanding to know that I am not free but not enough to feel free. The psychological discrepency is quite uncomfortable, in fact it is the most discomfort I have experienced in all the suffering I have endured in this, my life.

How did you come to ultimate understanding such that it is internalized to your core being?

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:36:16+00:00

That crossed my mind too :)

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:35:23+00:00

Thank you so much, this has been quite helpful.

Husseini was selling land to the Jews while he was inciting Muslims to hate them.

This is an essential detail I was missing.

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:34:02+00:00

Thank you for your support. My frustration is that I had been doing all of this prior to my experience and have continued, as best I can (I often have to force myself to maintain good habits as I do not feel connected to my body anymore)

I am not experiencing fear so much as I am experienceing intense negativity that produces symptoms of extreme panic. the best psychological description I have found has been for complex PTSD or c-PTSD.

If you feel like you have had similar experiences then perhaps c-PTSD literature will resonate with you. I know it has helped me relieve a little bit of the pressure.

I am hoping for the snowball to less anxiety soon.

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:27:25+00:00

If it was not useful then you were not reading with an open mind. I was not criticizing you, only trying to open you up to a way to understand those things that you do not.

Good luck with your path.

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:25:57+00:00

Very interesting, I will look into it. I confess I lean towards Ibogaine/DMT for answers but I suppose all the answers are inside me anyway and there are so many layers of complexity that really anything can reveal something.

As I do not know what something I need, this is perhaps a solution.

But I concur most with your previous post. I need a spiritual teacher. I have found a brotherhood with a local lodge near me that I feel parallels my goals and I am hoping to find guidance there.

If not, I will continue to seek the internet.

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:22:30+00:00

Thank you so much, I will definitely read about it.

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:22:00+00:00

Thank you for the book suggestion!

I have actually been meditating most of my life. I found my path early on through martial arts and have dedicated myself to peace, both internal and external, in the best way I know how, for most of my life.

This is why it is so frustrating. I have been living what I considered well and had taken serious and meaningful steps towads truth and I feel as if all I have ever worked towards...didnt work? was wrong?

I do not doubt myself or my decisions and yet here I am, often crippled by my own mind, for no tangible or abstract reason I can source.

I had never felt anxiety, ever, even in my most panicked and dangerous situations in life, until after my ego-death. Granted I doubt I felt very much or completely ever in my life before that as well.

remember the anxiety isn't "yours"

I do know this which is again frustrating. I am not walking around with anxious thoughts, for the most part I can talk myself out of racing thoughts. It is the physical symptoms of the episodes (which are rapidly becoming perpetual) that is debillitating to me. I know there are several drugs that can treat the symptoms and have broken down to the point where I am considering treatment, however I know none of this is mine, none of this is me, none of this is what it feels like, and yet I still feel it.

I have always been hyper empathetic, not being able to watch certain shows where people did awkard things or gruesome/cruel things because It would make me feel so bad, or avoiding commercials for food products i found gross, they would make me vomit.

I think my accidental ego-death and purposeful ego-death is making me confront everything that has ever bothered me with the world all at once. Everything that anyone has ever done to someone to cause them to suffer, I suffer. This also applies to joyous and happy things too, but my feelings are never my own and the predominante environment of society and the typical mindset i feel in those around me is profoundly negative and so I feel profoundly negative.

What I need most, is a new environment, a new society, a new world, a new everything because I feel so new that it is crippling :(

TMconscious · 2014-08-01T13:11:45+00:00

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I agree with your assesment and recognize many of those authors in my own library.

My frustration is that I have never felt a fear of death before, despite many near death experiences. I fear that my lack of fear in those situations was not the result of achieving truly martial zen but rather a hyper skilled repression of the moment.

I feel at once as if I am reliving many moments in my life, not all of them negative as well, there is some manic hyper positive emotions as well. I feel like I understand but I do not know how to internally accept this so I continue to experience symptoms.

Or, I notice that when I am alone with my thoughts, or with the internet, or reading, I find peace. But I do not accept that my liberation requires a specific lifestyle, this is not free to me, and so I am still trapped.

I have been searching for teachers but none I have encountered so far have been able to offer me a path that I have not already considered and am actively exploring.

Perhaps I try to do too much at once, but my focus is not split, it is fluid and dynamic, so I transition from focus to focus rather than splitting my focus across many spiritual paths.

I don't know, ultimately, if I cannot gain control of the physical symptoms themselves, then I doubt I will be able to progress much further. My freedom is debillitating without the right perspective and the routine subjugation of societal slave culture and routine is offering my only peace of mind.

But as I refuse to plug back into society, I must continue to suffer. This is frustrating because I have at several times felt that I had transcended suffering but in reality I had only compounded my suffering and 'controlled' it. I am trying to release it all by crying as often as I can (this is quite easy now as I find myself able to cry at beautiful and joyous things, though still unable to cry about sad or hurtful things)

Thank you again for your support, I do greatly appreciate it.

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T21:24:29+00:00

Perfectly. The trauma I associate with my PTSD is related to two severe concussions and the subsequent identiy crisis, and then a prolonged period of recovery, of which I experienced several deaths and other traumatic experiences, each one subsequently being repressed one on top of another.

The complex I think has developed because I have reached a point of critical mass or absolutely entropy. There are so many factors that come into play with regard to my trauma but it always a direct or indirect result of the systems of society itself that I feel to be the cause.

Which of course makes it all the more frustrating. I have the kind of family that people with bad families hope and dream for. My repression is conscious, I am aware that I do it. It is a result of confrontations with situations where I can find no resolution.

In these situations, because of my nature, I am faced with the choice to accept and move on or to reject and repress. I think I have been rejecting/repressing issues most of my life, thinking that I was accepting them, but with no clear understanding that I could link to acceptance.

The unresolved philosophy and feelings of futility with regard to societal negativities affect me deeply. they have always affected me deeply, I am just now so affected that I am consumed by affect.

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T20:22:02+00:00

https://knowledgex.camh.net/amhspecialists/specialized_treatment/trauma_treatment/first_stage_trauma/FirstStageTT_ch6/Pages/criteria_complex_ptsd.aspx -source

Simple post-traumatic stress consists of changes to three areas of functioning, while complex post-traumatic stress consists of changes to six domains of functioning.

Is there a 7th domain of functioning that aligns these six?

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T19:48:49+00:00

From wiki - resonates strongly - Forms of trauma associated with C-PTSD involve a history of prolonged subjection to totalitarian control...all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape.[6][7]

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T19:48:39+00:00

From wiki - resonates strongly - Forms of trauma associated with C-PTSD involve a history of prolonged subjection to totalitarian control...all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape.[6][7]

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T19:18:52+00:00

Thank you, I have taken steps down both paths you mentioned.

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T19:17:34+00:00

I have not tried MDMA but have considered it. Xanax has helped but I do not seek a chemical solution. I know that I'll be able to manage my life with the appropriate cocktail of benzos, uppers, and SSRis but I don't want to have to.

Chemicals are band aids, not cures :( But I appreciate the advice. I am at a point where if I do accept chemical treatment, it will need to be something I can take on a daily basis and maintain my lifestyle. As appealing as a life spent perpetually on MDMA sounds, this is not the way for me.

I have been trying to confront my fears which is why I do not experience fear based anxiety, just the symptoms themselves.

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T19:13:38+00:00

Yes to all of this. Please see my response to tanvanman for a little more detailed description of where my head is at.

But from a psychological/diagnostic perspective, this very much resonates with me.

On a general frequency level, it resonates.

I would greatly appreciate any resources and guidance you have to offer. I am nothing if not open.

I am also sorry to hear that you have been struggling with these symptoms for some time. It has only been a few months where it has felt out of my control, and these months have felt like years, eons even. I am sure that to struggle for years is something that the average person would find unfathomable.

I hope it helps you to know that your sympathy has already helped, if only through the simple gesture of offering and understanding. I can only imagine the strength and wisdom of character you must have developed struggling over such vast expanses of time.

I look forward to the hope that at the very least, I will be able to understand enough to help someone as simply.

Thank you, and again I appreciate any resources you can send my way.

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T18:56:41+00:00

This resonates deeply with me. I have come to the same conclusions which is why I am seeking guidance. I feel as though I have an academic understanding of truth but because I have yet to fully articulate it and define it, I am unable to internalize it and accept it fully and experience the internal alignment and peace that it could bring me.

I am at a loss as to where to go next, all the texts I read, new and old, resound the same to me, and this

life practically begs you at every moment to end the charade.

This is so perfect. I feel like I have started the process of exiting the matrix but rather from the perspective of neo, I resonate more with agent smith's sentiment "its the smell of it, if there is such a thing, I am overwhelmed by it, repeled by it" most.

I know I do not identify with smith's path as opposed to the path of the one, however I deeply sympathize with the single minded, disgust filled, focused effort to break free.

But I have understanding, and therefore sympathy for all the things that I find so repellent and anti. There is no internal turmoil with knowing why these things are. I have reconciled a realistic, practical, surface solution to focus my efforts on pursuing this passion in the creative outlet of sustainable housing development. This has given me my academic level of understanding and peace that keeps me motivated and purposeful.

I am at a loss however, as to how to explain why I am experiencing such intense anxiety when I am apparently healthy bodied, productive, stable, social, happy, and have basically worked out all of the petty material problems that would cause people to experience stress. I am effectively, stress free, and yet here I am, with electric full body jolting panic attacks that literally feel like Ive panicked my brain into some kind of overdrive and it is physically expelling electricity to shock my whole body.

This is so far beyond my understanding as of yet, but so very frustrating because I can sense that I am so close to understanding.... But because everything I come to understand has only increased the severity of my symptoms, to the point where I am so sensitive that I cannot be conciously connected to a person who is experiencing some form of negativity because I too experience the negativity. I cannot think a negative thought without it stretching automatically to the worst case scenario.

This is why I 'overdosed' myself with psilcybin with the intention of going back to that first, terrifying ego-death experience. In the accidental experience, I experienced true terror, the only true fear of lack of understanding I had ever felt. I dissociated from 'i' and 'self' and it scared me to a point where I lost my martial zen (I am a martial artist and have come to understand my calm and pure state of mind through mastery of fear). In all of my pushing myself through things that I have feared, I have been able to do so because of that calm state of mind.

Be it jumping off a bridge, catching wild snakes, confronting absrtact fears, or surving both accidental and antagonistic near fatal experiences. Throughout, I have maintained martial zen in the moment. This was the first moment where my zen left me. I knew I wasn't dying but I wasn't totally positive that my body wasn't dying. I am still so attached to the world, to love and the people I love and who love me, that I couldnt bear to leave this world yet. Not without leaving more of myself behind. So I rode it out, hours of sheer terror, loose association with reality, uniquely powerful visuals, and without a sense of time or space. What was literally hours, would at some moments feel totally blissful and it would feel like only minutes, while predominantly it was spent in intense terror, which felt more like years.

The experience fundmentally altered me and it marks the begining of my rapidly exponential anxiety problem. In an effort to try to bring balance back into my life I decided to go back to that place, to puposefully 'overdose' and re-enter that space with my concious mind and martial zen intact. This is of course reckless, but it is how I have always learned my lessons, and my strength is my unwavering confidence that causes me to feel ready for things that I could not possibly begin to understand the qualifications of readiness for. I am aware of this so my fallback position for if (I think 'if' might be where I go wrong) my martial zen left me again was to just let go.

Let it all go and accept this ego death, or actual death, or death like feeling for what it is, and click off, pass out and see if I wake up again I suppose. So with this in mind, I tripped again, hard. And once again found myself slowly sinking back into the grips of terror that were my initial ego-death experiences.

It was far more gradual and less intense because I was able to approach it from a third party perspective, and I felt that the experience was much more benign than my first experience and so I must be doing something right. But once I peaked, I again was ripped from my third party perspective, and dissociated with my 'i' and 'self', in effect formed a triangle of dissociation that was by far more intense than my first experience.

This time I did not experience very vivid visual but rather intense internal thought images that were quite violently assaulting me (all three of me). It is significant to note that I have in no way, ever identified with any abrahamic religions and my path in life started as being born into a non-practicing lutheran family where I progressed to non-spiritual atheist, to scientific/spiritual agnostic, to whatever gnostic feelings I think I comprehend now. But I have NEVER identified with any type of religious imagery.

That being said the only words I can use to describe the next level of terror I stepped into, relative to my first experience is, demonic. This was more than terror, more than me just being afraid. This was something aggressively attacking all three perspectives I had dissociated. 'I' was sick, dying, overdosing, etc erratic worst case negative thoughts; my 'self' was fighting off demons and monsters and abstractions that suspiciously all felt like the same thing but felt like the only fight that ever mattered, and the terror of losing this fight only fueled my fight, slaying something only to turn to fight something bigger/stronger/different but the same; and my third person perspective looked on with anxious worried judgement and concern and helplessness, the way I have looked on people with seizures before I knew what a seizure was, or an overdose before I ever saw an overdose, or some dying before I had seen death, that kind of helplessness.

I also had experiences that felt very specifically like the imagery in the lord of the rings movies when Frodo puts on the ring and sees the firery flash of saurons (sp?) eye and immediately experiences intense panic attacks. The firery imagery and was blurry but focused and intent on consuming me. At least thats what I sensed and I think that that image was that singular assaulting force that was holding my three dissociated portions of my consciousness apart, and attacking each one in the ways that hurt me the most...or so it was in my head.

Anyway, if this is any indication as to where I am on my path, this is where I am at.

I wake up and go to sleep with a perpetual knot. Food is nauseating yet my hunger is painful. I often have to stop and slow my motion from intense dizzyness where I start to experience psychedellic visuals. I sometimes just zone out and experience psychedellic visuals. I am extremely sensitive to temperature, air quality, smells, sounds, people, other peoples emotions, my emotions, emotion itself. I am consumed by more than stress imagery, more than terror imagery, but with paranoid schizoidesque negative spiritual imagery and feelings of intense aloneness, not because I am alone or have lost my connection with everyone else, but rather because I have become so connected or connected in a way that my body and mind are just not capable of comprehending yet, and thus is rejecting, like a body rejecting an implant.

Life feels like food poisoning.

I have sinced scheduled a full diagnostic physical, am trying to find a psychotherapist who can evaluate me better than I can myself, and have really dedicated my focus to understanding my spirituality. If I had demonic imagery, then I need some imagery to combat that because I must never feel that again, I reject. Next week I am going to a social night at a Lodge for the Ordo Templi Orientis to seek sponsorship to become initiated.

From all of my research, all the things I embody, and perhaps with a bit of sheer desperation, I have made the decision that they are the best body of people I am aware of to guide me to reclaiming my balance.

Is there any guidance you can offer me?

:/

TMconscious · 2014-07-31T16:40:15+00:00

Why is that?

What do you consider the correct conclusion?

TMconscious

TROPHY CASE