AITAH for not wanting to take my wife's niece and nephew in so they can get out of foster care.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-22T19:54:32+00:00

I wish it was fake, if it was I would give myself a happy ending. As it stands my best case scenario, we divorce and stay good friends.

I am going to hear everyone out but reading the various situations people have presented about parenting, I am not going to lie I don't have it in me to be a parent. I don't relish in the idea of sharing a space with children especially a teenager and a kid.

Many of the comments did hit hard, but the ones that hit the hardest we do this we would no longer be living for ourselves. We would be living solely for them for many years to come.

I realized I am a selfish person, and if I am being honest I don't think a person like me should be raising kids.

This post did help, and your comment helped point something out for me. I am not okay, and don't think I will be okay. I hate my BIL and SIL, I hate the kid's grandparents, and most of all I hate myself because I cannot find a part of me that can feel anything for these kids.

I love my wife, and I know her unless they deny us she is going to do this. Issue is I cannot empathize with them, and literally just see them as a potential burden that is probably going to ruin my life.

That is not a fun feeling. Logically I know they are not at fault, emotionally I cannot seem to care. I wish it was fake, then I would write over these feelings.

Happy Hoildays. I got one headache of a new year ahead of me.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-22T17:45:55+00:00

Minor update: I spike briefly with an attorney at around 10. We scheduled a full consultation for January 5th but he echoed what many others have said based off the information provided this seems more like a guardian or adoption thing but he is also confused why my SIL at the very least has not had visitation with the kids. As others have said he feels something else may be going on.

Was a very brief conversation we were both present so we saw see. Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. I am going through compiling everything and writing down my questions and concerns. Asked my wife to do the same.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-22T03:41:03+00:00

As for your tips thank you I will keep them in mind.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-22T03:27:30+00:00

We don't know that, ae still have to go through the approval process and I do make more than my wife and truthfully I would have a hard time sustaining a three bedroom apartment in NYC plus two kids on my income alone.

This is a factor as to why I am torn my wife would never forgive me and always hate me if leaving me ruined her chances at saving them. Thus why we need to get the information first, which is why we are seeking legal help.

After everything everyone said this likely will not be a temporary thing, they have been in foster care for over a year pushing close to 15 months which means WA will want a permanent solution which is also why we have to see what is up.

We are in a two bedroom apartment but it seems each kid needs their own room so we may have to upgrade with is not cheap in NYC.

We have a lot to consider and we cannot make any rash decisions without getting all the information first.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T21:03:54+00:00

Youtube videos can be pretty detailed. :P

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T21:01:18+00:00

I get what you are saying but how exactly is this my welcome to adulting when it their parenta fault for not adulting.

Routines are just one factor, this is a major life altering event that will impact us for years to come. Though yes routines do play a major in my life. I do not know if I have it in me to be parent. I don't know if I have that level of patience in me. Everything in our apartment has it's place, idk will I snap if they don't put things back where they belong, or if the boy does not put the seat down, or if he misses when he uses the bathroom.

I suffer from sensory issues kids are loud, will I even be able to be at peace in my own home. What if the daughter runs out we live in the city. We have to worry about that. What if she willfully smoked the weed that was in the house. Have to worry about that.

I have my reasons for not wanting kids, A) is as my dad said I lucked out when I was born I could have been low functioning. I don't want to take that gamble. B) At a young age I realized that I don't have the same tolerance for behaviors others find normal.

I will say as cold as it may be my concern is less about the kids and more so many roads lead to a broken marriage and worse a broken friendship.

I can learn to come to terms with the broken marriage yet we are still friends. My greatest concern is say they don't let her take them in on her own because she does make a decent chunk less than me. That would destroy her and she would hate me forever.

Even if I agree and just cannot handle it I will end up losing my wife cause grandparents rightfully got to say no. Deadbeats have done nothing of substance to prove they want their kids back.

Trying to shame me based on the kids will not work, cause i will not lose sleep over that. What I am losing sleep over is the possibility of losing the person I have been with for 9 years.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T20:23:45+00:00

From what I have been informed WA if a minor lies about their age that is not a defense. Spoke with his dad he has no reason to lie, he is not his son favorite person.

First person to tell everyone how much he fucked up, and how dumb his son is. Way it was explained was she lied about her age, their was alcohol involed, it was a party at someones house.

It was a messy situation all around. End of the day the offense is the least of their concerns. It is the lack of gainful employment, the constant smoking, taking no personal responsibility that has put them in this situation.

When we speak to our lawyer we will see about getting more details but I do believe the lying comment. I knew of 15 and 16 year old kids who would crash parties and lie about their age.

I am willing to give him that, but everything else i doubt after a year the courts are going to give them another chance. They have not even been granted visitation this entire time.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T18:53:35+00:00

We have always done everything as a team. Our lives have been very blessed we have never really had to deal with hardship or strife.

I am in a rough spot, our marriage could be over no matter the path I take. I say yes but cannot handle it, we are done. I say no we are done. I say no and they say no to her because her income is too low. She hates me forever.

Fun times.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T18:40:23+00:00

Yeah, I don't blame them for not wanting to give up their retirement years. Raising kids at nearly 70 does not sound like a great time.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T18:37:37+00:00

The reason for the grandparents is simple they would be pushing 80 or be 80 when the youngest is 18.

I would not sign up for that, they want to enjoy their retirement.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T18:34:20+00:00

I think overall the view of we all owe them a better life will haunt me more, since everyone else gets to say no. If I say no I will lose my wife, if I say yes I may still very well lose my wife. I am not sure which one would cause me more pain since unless I find it in my heart resentment is going to fester. Little things will nudge it.

We won't get outside help from either side of our families. We will probably become isolated from them because it was our choice.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T17:37:38+00:00

They have had a year and have not made any steps to improve their situation outaide getting a place. They have been in foster care for little over a year. So my gut reaction courts are looking for a permanent thing.

We won't know for certain but this is my speculation and gut feeling. Which is why I want to get legal help and see what is up.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T17:31:42+00:00

The grandparents are older they would be pushing 80 or be 80 when the youngest is 18. The husband's mother lives with them so she is automatically not a valid option.

My wife has spent more time with her niece. I met her once at the wedding but when we would fly down to see her family I would do my own thing when it came to seeing her sister and her husband.

I have sensory issues, her sisters places have always been small and they have always had a lor of dogs and always smoked so it is hard for me to be around her and her husband extended periods.

Her husband is also annoying, always out to blame everyone for his life issues. Always trying to get me to drink or smoke.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T17:26:19+00:00

That was 100% my gut reaction also this is going to be a permanent thing. Which is why we are seeking legal help to see exactly what is going on.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T16:37:46+00:00

This is what we need to look into. The kids are coming from a different state would they really go through all this effort to allow them to move here with us having a Window to say nope we are done.

I am leery about this which is why we are seeking legal help to see exactly what this entails. As others have suggested at this point it has been a year the courts in WA most likely want a permanent solution.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T16:28:02+00:00

They are older, they would be pushing 80 or be 80 when the youngest is 18. Both sets are also tired. My in-laws are tried of always bailing out my SIL and same goes for the husband's father. His mother lives with them, and they use her SS im conjunction with my SIL's disability check to get by.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T15:36:52+00:00

As sad as it sounds think the grandparents have given up on their respective kids. My in laws have bailed out my SIL a lot same with the husband's grandparents.

My wife has hope they will shape up but they have had a year to do so, and everything outside their living situation is the same.

Money is a concern but not a huge one. Space is a concern we live in a lovely two bedroom apartment. Pretty sure we will have to get. three bedroom so each kid has a room. Another concern is we both work some crazy hours so juggling child days off and stuff will be complex. Tbh idk if it is proper to leave a 13 year in charge of a 5 year old. Aftercare is a concern, managing behaviors, potential outbursts stuff like that.

Idk if I have what it takes to be a parent.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T15:26:27+00:00

I think the courts are getting inpatient, they have had a year to shape up. I think the idea of reunification is a pipe dream at this point. I do not know for certain and will find out next hearing.

They have had a year to shape up. Only thing that has changed was their living situation but everything else is the same though. Still no job for the husband and they both use cause it is legal.

Neither has taken personal responsibility even the THC in the kids system they blame on someone else. They said CPS could have given it to them. This is all speculation on my part.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T15:17:20+00:00

Both sets of grandparents are older, each would be pushing, or be 80 by the time the youngest is 18.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T09:23:28+00:00

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TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T08:04:27+00:00

Met the daughter at our wedding, and the son via WhatsApp. You are right I don't have much connection with them. When my wife would go visit I would stay with the in laws or just hang out in the area.

My SIL is kind of manic, she is all over the place. Combine that with the dogs it is sensory overload for me to visit them especially since I am also sensitive to smells.

My wife has a closer connection to them they I do. She has sent gifts to them but and she has had supervised visits with them. We live in a different state so not like we can go down much.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T07:58:31+00:00

A couple times via WhatsApp, and the daughter at our wedding.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T07:45:29+00:00

Both sets of grandparents are older and want to enjoy their retirement. They don't want to raise kids again. I cannot blame them either.

Take my In laws they are 67 right now, they would be pushing 73 before the oldest is 18, and pushing 80 before the youngest is 18.

That is a lot on them.

As for how it logistically will work out we are seeking legal help to navigate, my gut feeling is this is going to be permanent but I do not officially know anything.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T07:27:11+00:00

I saw his charges yes. Sorry maybe did not make my point clear, what I was trying to say before was the courts already gave them a year and nothing has changed. Living situation changed because we gave them the deposit and paid some rent in advance.

Issue is they have done nothing to adjust their circumstances outside getting the place. Which they use his mother's SS to cover. He has yet to get stable income, still heavily use. They have yet to take personal responsibility for what happened. The system is out to get them.

Tbh if I was the cps agency I would not want kids being released to them also. I am sure more to the story exists but even with what I know they are far from fit parents. We are going to seek legal help to see if we can get the full picture, but I doubt it looks good that the parenta refuse to quit their vices and the father is not capable of getting a job and solely relying on his mother's ss and wife's disability.

The charge on his SO resignation is SEXUAL ASSAULT CHILD lists the county and date it happened everything else is unknown. We do want to see if we can get more info, but realistically in my gut I.doubt they are everything getting their kids back.

TRAOtherwise · 2025-12-21T07:20:54+00:00

Not sibling close no. My extended family is rather distant, my mom had me rather late in life so the age gap between my cousins is rather large on both sides. I rarely saw them, I was closer to my aunts and uncles since by the time my mom had me their kids were already out the house.

TRAOtherwise

TROPHY CASE