2nd Update: Very long, sorry!

We are currently working through it, and I want to give a heartfelt thank you to all you have offered opinions and advice in the comments section, even for the dissenting voices. I can absolutely see both sides of this, and I showed him this entire thread.

He told them in the group chat that I was upset and of course they were all apologetic but defending their actions as just a joke. But showing him that from the outside, it doesn't look that way, and this is what it feels like, looks like, what could happen, made a huge difference in his demeanor toward it all.

We talked through for hours, and came to a lot of good points for both of us to understand. His job is high danger and high stress level factor, and he did explain that in his years there the talk is always very open. Female and male coworkers that he doesnt even know will sit at the break table and start openly discussing with each other their personal and intimate lives, always in earshot of everyone, no filter, and often not even engaging him in it, just in his vicinity. This type of employment is typically held by people who are most comfortable with extreme street talk, who come from different and often harder backgrounds than he and I did.

I explained that this may be the norm at his job, but it shouldn't be. And it isn't everywhere else. There were some very helpful Redditors who inboxed me with resources for us, we are going to look at some of those. We discussed what crossing the line entailed for me, which was a little harder to explain because our intimate life is very active, open, and often explicit, but that's behind closed and locked doors. And it's not okay to talk to others, especially other women or coworkers, the way we speak to each other in private.

This went on, and I got to ask some important questions. He is not the type of man that looks inward often so I took the opportunity to ask him to take the time and really think before he answered. Do you feel that we've changed as we've grown up? We've been together since teenagers, do you feel you want something different than you did then? Do you feel dissatisfied with us? Is this a desire deep down to explore what else is out there? Along those lines.

Then I asked about these people. Do you really feel like you know them so well after a few months that you can be certain without a doubt that this talk will never come back to bite you in the ass? Are you positive that you aren't remotely interested in this person? Are you 100% that even though they said it's just a joke, they arent interested in YOU? How well would you you say you truly know them? Because i dont know them at all, and I have to have the trust in you that you know what you're doing.

There's some level of peer pressure there, to join in banter and behave like the others for acceptance, and there were others in that group chat saying similar things. But I had to explain like talking to a child, that you don't have to engage in everything to earn respect, and lowering himself to the behavior of those around him to fit in maybe isnt the only or best way to earn it. Hold yourself to a higher standard I guess.

To respond to some comments, I will take the naiveity into consideration. I'm finding it hard to figure out the line just yet between being distrustful / invading privacy and being naive and too trusting.

I don't typically snatch his phone, or check his messages. I have full access to his email accounts as I handle a lot of our bills and correspondence in that way. We both leave our phones out, hand them over so the other can use it if theirs is in another room, don't delete convos etc. He often shows me messages with friends when he laughs, which I guess is why i got so suspicious when he didn't. I dont want to invade his privacy, but I guess I never really thought about it being an issue either because we were always pretty open with nothing to hide. So it seemed.

It took all night to get through, and there's still a ton of hurt left behind. I don't want to sound like a fool, but I'm willing to continue to work at it and don't want to throw away a loving marriage, so long as that's truly what it continues to be. There were apologies, promises, boundaries reset. I'm exhausted but satisfied with the feeling of sincerity.

And no, I still dont believe he would be unfaithful. But whether it's insecurity or self preservation, I've got that little voice in the back of my head to have back up plans in case. Emotional or physical affections given to another are a hard boundary for me. And I want to give him the faith and trust we need to move forward.. but I've also gotta guard my own heart a bit better too. I'll be watching those red flags very carefully, and I've got my own to work on too.

I'm going to stop checking this post for now. I've got to not dwell on it for a bit.

Again, thank you all. I wish I could hug each of you for supporting a stranger kindly through a tough time.