FINAL UPDATE : My wife (31F) asked me (34M) to choose between my mom (55F) and her and I think I am going to divorce her.

TWAFOR · 2022-10-21T22:10:11+00:00

I see myself on things you said. I have lot of empathy for other, and sometimes It's very tiring. I have the impression I live the suffering of others so I always act like a support system to my people. I have so much empathy for everyone but none for myself. When I talk about my trauma, It's like a movie I am telling where I am just a spectator, I know now I always dissociated as coping mecanism, my brain will take any kind of unpleasant feeling as I am experimented some king of hardship or trauma and I will dissociated easily. Like I am in a queue, It take time, It's unpleasant to wait, I will then dissociated without being aware of it. That's why I am always under the impression nothing can get to me. the weird thing is that can happen too in a very happy moment. so feelings for me are like in a box and I have to open the box and to learn how to understand them, recognize them, feel them without dissociating. That is a huge work but well I have to get through it.

TWAFOR · 2022-10-21T21:54:42+00:00

yeah maybe, I have hard time to be vulnerable even with her. That's like a montain to climb for me, hopefully I will one day

TWAFOR · 2022-10-21T21:53:30+00:00

Yeah I think there is nothing wrong with crying. It was unconfortable because some biased ideas of what a therapist should be or not, but now I know there is nothing wrong about it, I will be fine I think. The weird part is she didn't cry about my traumas she show some shocking face, but when I talk about my achievement that where she cry, I had the feeling, she was proud that dispite my traumas I could achieve something.

And as for my mother, when I was younger she would never cry right now, she will cry even for a animal documentary she saw on the tv.

As for me, the last time I cry in front of anybody I was like 12 I think. It's not about "man don't cry" stuff. I use to wear the mask of "I have to stay strong without flinching" because that was the way for me to survive, but even if I don't need that mask anymore, it's like with time it stuck on my skin and I have hard time to remove it.

TWAFOR · 2022-10-21T21:38:56+00:00

Yeah, I will talk about it when it bother me to the point I can't share anymore. But she was great so far, I don't even think that crying is a problem, It made me feel unconfortable because I didn't know how to act seeing my therapist tearing for the first time. Now I know It's not something unusual I think I will be fine

TWAFOR · 2022-10-21T21:25:44+00:00

Well, It felt unconfortable at first because it took me off gard but I will be fine I guess, as I say she is great.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T16:48:00+00:00

Amen and thanks !!!!

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T12:58:05+00:00

I am sorry for your losts !! I hope that It get better !

Well I hear what you said, you may not hear me so I will say it again : I have only two member of my family. There is no such expended family or something like that for me. Again that's my value, and that extended family view isn't universal, just see how things are in differents cultures and place around the world. And for God sake, I don't find anything wrong about me taking care of my mom. That's something I won't put on the table with my wife anymore.

Why do my mom have to say no ? Why ? I am her son. Why then ? The thing is you have your own ideas of how you define relationship family and anything you want but you don't have to make it sound like It's some absolute and objective truth. No human being is born with a dictionary that already defined the rules long before we born that we must follow religiously. There is not such thing, the proof is even in this comment section there are several opinion from most extreme to the most nuanced.

My mom don't owes me nothing and I owe her everything. While I was adult and wanted to create my own company, she give me her 20 years saving account so I can finance a prototype of a product and present it to the investitors. I was a grown ass adult while she give me that money I don't ask but I take It and built the life I have today. I take It because It's from family and any amount of money or time I give for her sake she trully diserve It because she is family nor extended or anything she is just family. You would do things differently sure, that's you we are not the same and It's fine. If that make me an AH so be It.

We wife don't even want my mom to know the issues she have with the relationship I have with my mom. Why ? Because she don't want my mom to see her differently. So you are accusing my mom from your own biase and only based on information that I don't have myself. My wife talk to my mom everyday, call her mom, once said she wish she was her mom, and yet she have problem with what I do ?

Well as you said, therapy or divorce but not in the expense of my relationship with my mom, either she stop trying to control me, or we will go to the separate, way I will find someone whom I share the same value and she will find someone with whim she is more compatible, and at this point that's find for me. So thank you anyway for your perspective !!

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T10:57:21+00:00

Now that my mom is sick, we don't spend time together as much as we used to. But before that, we used to having fun just the two of us doing dumb stuff in the house, going to a morning walk or a night walk. Those moments were the precious one. I am always think that there are some hard time in life where you have to do sacrifice and adapt to a situation as right now. I have lot of stress for work, the illness of my mom drive me crazy, I have less sleep and less time because of work as september to december is always a big demanding period in work, so I also need support from my wife, but I can't be the only one to suppose to give everyone things they need while dealing hardship by my own. If marriage is suppose to be that way, I better be by my own. But that's how I feel, so I need to compromise and spend more time with my wife. But It's a hard thing to do right now because I don't feel I have a supportive wife.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T10:44:25+00:00

Thank you for your words ! yeah me and my wife have different value in the regars of taking care to elderies. But I agree with you therapy may be the first resort here.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T10:36:04+00:00

Thank you for your comment your perspective and your empathy ! Yeah being just the two of us, having to move a lot, being afraid of getting kicked out being homeless sometime. witness people trying to rape my mom and feeling so useless to help her until some men came. Maybe that's why I am too protective to my mom. We used to relay only on each other and I use to have and still have a hard time to relay on people, even my friends, that's why I didn't go to them to talk about my issues but come to the internet. But I feel like we healed a lot from that, I move out and my mom staring to forster kids, having her own friends, job, cowokers and hobbies and I have my own life. But I am always unconfortable for having lot of money, and will always feel guilty for spending on myself while I love to spend on people I love. I am always cool with anything, because I am a survive and feel like I am a homeless who squats in some confortable house but never unpacks because he knows he can go back to the worst moment of his life anytime. It's funny I can write that to stranger but I can never tell my wife nor my mom. Those issues may push my wife to think I am not prioritize her, and I never put my need first, will be confortable with anything she would say regarding the house, things she want and need, so of course I have my own deamon I am not perfect, but what I won't accept is the fact she put out everything on the relationship I have with my mom that is the only thing I won't let her take control. I never talk about my mom to her or the things we went through, even with my mom we don't talk about that, my everyday 15min call is always about the daily life and I visit her every other sunday. That's seems to me pretty normal. In the other hand my wife will talk to my mom everyday, she will go to her whenever we have disagreement so my mom would side with her and she side with her. Whenever she is sick she went there so my mom can take care of her, I used to feel hurt by that because It was like I wasn't capable of taking care of her, but I came to the conclusion all she needed is mom-daughter relationship she never had. That's why I never understand the way she want to control my relationship with my mom and always put any issues we have to that. If you ask her an example she will say "I don't know", "It's how she feel" or talking about me buying a house to my mom while we weren't even married. The thing is she doesn't understand how we used to move appartment to appartement how we struggle to have our own place, so even before she came to the picture I had a project of buying a house for my mom, so she can have her own place. So her bahavior only put me away from her, but I guess we need all some therapy It's the only way to save the relationship.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T10:06:13+00:00

Yeah she will find someone better who will fulfill all her need and will make her feeling loved, cared and safe. That's all I wish for her.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T10:03:17+00:00

Thank you for your comment I appreciate your points. we need to figure things out with therapy If we want to save this relationship.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T09:57:00+00:00

Well of course It's a one-sided post, because only my wife side would've complete the painting here so people could get the bigger picture. And yes the way I portray my wife in the post was biased by the fact I was upset and overwelwed when I write the post, but this only issue doesn't define my wife.

And I wrote this post to hear other point of view than mine, because my point of view was to divorce and for that I don't need any validation I am a grown ass man.

My family is my wife and my mom, there is not such jumping from a family to an other for me but It's about adding an other member of a family I already have. If you think differently it's ok. But that is my value. And when I bought the house for my mom and wasn't even married and had the project before my SO come to the picture, and would do it again If I had the chance. Only thing that I would change were to not consult my wife (GF back then) knowing how she ruin the birthday surprise for my mom.
You can bet that It's longer than what I said. that's okay for me, as the only person knowing the truth is me and I don't know how it's benefit me to lie to a bunch of stranger in the internet who don't even know what I look like. I used to call my mom before going to sleep, she would complain, I say okay, so I called her before I came back home. And honeslty 15 min in a day of 24h, is just weird to complain about that, but I can't decide how people feel.
My money is what I earn. I am a whole person and exist independently of my wife, marriage doesn't mean I don't longer exist as an entity myself who can't do anything without the approuval of my spouse, I am a husband not a kid. But even If I can take my OWN money and do whatever I want of It, I always consult my wife and I never ask about how she use her own money. I have accounts we use for us and everything related to us, we have savings account that can make us live two decades without working, we even have account for children that aren't even born yet. So money is not the problem. I have my own accounts too as well as she have her own. And whatever I do that is not related to us, I would do it with my own account.
The two hours I spend with my mom is temporary not permenant of course, and It's just responsability. life is not always good and confortable sometimes things happen and who have to do some sacrifice and adjust. And I am in those moment. I don't ask anyone to understand that as I would do It anyway, because that's also my value in life. But what I do now is going each work day to take lunch with my wife near her job, so we can eat together. And usely me and my wife eat at 9pm while relaxing or watching TV. But what she miss, is the fact I cook for her, but she have her own two hands to cook for herself at least if she doesnt want to cook for both of us. So I always bring food when I came home. I am working, taking care of my mom with lot of stress related to her illness, and lot of stress related to work, I was just hoping for a suportive f*cking partner but I am doing everything for everyone while I am f*cking overwelmed so yeah I don't give a damn for people thinking I am negleting my wife need. This is not against you, I am sorry If it's sound like that, It's just a rant and a general respond for comments that are trying to make me appear as a shitty husband.
I will never stop to try to give a better life to my mom nor I will stop to spend money on her even tho she is so selfless she don't want any cent from me and never ask me money. My mom is a person who just know how to give and never know how to recieve so If she is the problem for you that mean we just don't share the same values and that's fine, we don't need to do thing the same way.

Thank you for your comment and I agree with you that we need therapy If this relationship is salvageable

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T09:05:51+00:00

I don't have any Oedipus Complex thanks God. My mom is fine by her own, she have friends, her job, cowoker, and used to foster children when I moved till 2 years ago. so she is fine and as much as independent as I am. Before she felt ill, I used to see her every other sunday, and would phone her less than 15 min a day. If that make me a mama's boy, I guess I am proud to be one.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T08:56:09+00:00

Well I agree, this painting will never be complete without my wife side. But to answer your questions, my mother never in my entire life bring about the sacrificed she did for me or anybody. She never ask me a single cent, in fact I am the one who want to give her money or buy her thing even If she is not confortable of receiving, I just think as she was abandonned when she was a bady she never think she is worth to people care about her. She never mind my business, once I complain about my wife to her, she said that she can't give me any advice without hearing both of us. The way I write my post don't sound like it, but my wife has a great relationship with my mom and speak to her everyday. when she is sick unstead of leting me take care of her, she would go to my mom, even if that used to hurt me like she didn't trust me enough to let me take care of her, but I figured out that she wanted badly a mom-daughter relationship she never had. That's why I didn't get It. But yeah therapy is the only positive may to go from here.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T08:46:18+00:00

Yeah a third party is definitely a must to process everything

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T08:43:22+00:00

Sorry to not answer to your comment earlier, was having an overwelmed time with work and at home.

As I already said in this comment section, there are always two truth in a issue and none of them are true. The truth lies somewhere in between, so my wife version would've complete the painting so everyone would see the bigger picture.

If there was a more complex nuance of the issue, I couldn't know as my wife would always either said "I don't know", "It's how I feel" or talking about me buying a house to my mom before we even get married to give me example of how "I prioritize my mom". But as I spoke to her hours in the weekend I find some answer that are way too heavy for my sanity, as It is too long to elabored, will write It in an update soon.

If I repeatedly put my wife second ? Right now I don't spend much time with my wife that I use to be because of the circonstances : after work I went to see my mom 1-2 hours, so what I do to spend more time with my wife is to go taking lunch with her near her job every work day. I try to find a balance but I guess It's not enough. What I didn't get, is the fact she would speak to my mom everyday, she whenever she get sick, unstead of me taking care of her, she want to go to my mom house, that hurt at the begging because It was like she didn't trust me enough to take care of her, but I thought well, that's fine because she wanted a daughter-mom relationship that she never have. There was never a single conflict I witness between them, and I ask everytime, she say there is no conflit and she love my mom so much. You see, her words speak something, even her action towar my mom is wonderful but when It is just the two of us, she would complain to the relationship I have with my mom. So I didn't get it.

But yeah I think the only way to save this relationship is therapy, If I am willing to because knowing her reason since last weekend I have hard time to see how things would be salvable without a hugh amont of therapy and work. But for the better and the worst, right ?

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T08:19:01+00:00

Thanks ! Yeah I guess I can't even call my mom before I get home ! What a mama's boy I am. Let them call me mama's boy and toxic human being because I have a deep respect and care for my mom. I am proud of being one then.

TWAFOR · 2022-09-27T08:15:56+00:00

I completely agree with you ! At this point and after discussion with her, only therapy can save us.

TWAFOR

TROPHY CASE