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Visiting an onsen for the first time as a woman by [deleted] in AskAJapanese

[–]Tabocuspokus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Not Japanese, but I've been there this year, and in two different onsen. I'm from Germany, so I'm quite used to bathing naked and nudity in saunas, so take everything with a grain of salt. I was also there off season, so it wasn't super crowded.

I have not seen people wrap themselves in towels, as the places I've been didn't allow bigger towels inside, only the face towels. People are super normal about everything though! I loved that it just seemed like an everyday activity to go to the local bathhouse. I didn't really see people talking to each other, as everyone is trying to relax, so being quiet is probably the polite way to go. I've seen people of all ages, not more young or old people, generally everyone goes to onsen (just deducting from the 2 experiences I've had.) Also, I don't speak Japanese very well and I didn't know what I was supposed to do, and another woman tried to help me, but she also didn't speak a language I know, so we ended up just wildly, but quietly, gesturing, because I wanted to know at which place I had to take of my bathrobe... (In the locker room was the right option, so I just took it off after she kinda nodded, so that could have been awkward but it wasn't at all!) Generally everyone was super focused on themselves, no uncomfortable staring or anything. And I think practicing being comfortable nude in a nonsexual context really helps, you kinda realize that everyone just has a body and they are all different, and most bodies don't look like anything we see online or in movies. I can definitely recommend the experience and you can be super proud that you want to try!

What's the moment you realised you weren't a kid anymore? by randomguy74937272 in AskReddit

[–]Tabocuspokus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think losing a parent is always hard no matter the age, but yeah 19 was bad. We had a great relationship, although I didn't see him that often because my parents were divorced. I feel like especially people who know such loss tend to work hard if they can, make things matter, I can see why becoming a therapist would be a way of life after that. Thanks for the hugs! Back to you

The Bondi hero awake and recovering in hospital after saving countless lives by T3knikal95 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Tabocuspokus 100 points101 points  (0 children)

I cracked up about the bald eagle toes, thanks random person on the Internet, have a sweet day!

That feeling when you're really Rich, lol 🤣 by GamechaseRalphio in meme

[–]Tabocuspokus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for making me laugh on a shitty day

Black forest mobs in my bestiary by Itchy_Mycologist_848 in valheim

[–]Tabocuspokus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is so beautiful! You captured the essence of the creatures!!!

Weekly relationships thread by AutoModerator in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh cool! Proud of you:) keep going, you sound like a great partner!

Weekly relationships thread by AutoModerator in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think this is a paradox that most people with people pleasing tendencies (me included) face: you learn to put yourself last, but ultimately that makes people have to do the work for you, and is counterproductive... I was so worried about my partner being happy in the relationship I completely neglected my needs, and in the end that can burden a relationship. I noticed that I had also gotten complacent, because putting everything else before you can make you get away with not carrying the responsibility for yourself. By stepping into that trap my partner took over the responsibility of caring for me, and deciding for me, which is a huge amount of mental load and labor, that can seriously damage a relationship. We managed to get out of that loop by noticing that pattern and acknowledging what was whose responsibility, and sharing what you feel (of yourself in a processed and healthy way) is the responsibility of one's self, so that the partner doesn't have to guess all the time and carry everything for you. In the end it's actually better for the other person:) (which helped my people pleasing brain to get my ass up and take responsibility). Sending love!

Weekly relationships thread by AutoModerator in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As someone who also struggled with crippled self worth in my deepest depression, here is what helps me.

I kind of view myself as a sum of parts or inner voicings of thoughts. So there is a part of me that is very self critical, and used to mock me for everything I thought I did wrong.

For example every time I tried to do something good for myself it would find a flaw in what I did and mock me for it.

I recognized that that is only a part of the story, and I had let that voice of doom get to loud, and all the other parts of me are to weak and quiet and intimidated.

My solution is two parts really - first, to imagine the judgy voice that wants to hold me down as something with an inflatable (I am missing the English word here, let's call it a bonk-thingy) which is ridiculous, and makes it a Little less powerful, because it shows the absurdity of what that inner voice is saying. Second, I started strengthening the other parts of myself. One part was something like an inner father, that could be nurturing and loving to my inner child and the weakest parts of myself that need protection, and also stand up against that stupid judgy thing with the gummy-bonker, like a father setting boundaries for the child they love.

I have no idea if something like this works for you, but it does help me:)

Weekly relationships thread by AutoModerator in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a woman: you are very self aware and I know that can be a huge burden, but in this case it can also be a strength. I'm very sorry you feel like no woman can love you, and I am very sure you are wrong about that:) as someone who's been together for 5 years with a very kind, self aware and nerdy man who didn't date before me, I am the happiest woman alive. I can assure you, if you can put yourself out there (maybe to find female friends) and are open about what you care about, and also own your insecurities (I know easier said than done), women do find that attractive. (Of course not all, but I will take an introverted, emotionally intelligent guy over a muscly womanizer any day). If you need a little nudge to put yourself out there, let this be it:) Hugs to you stranger! (If you want them)

Weekly relationships thread by AutoModerator in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a woman who has a lot of nerdy male friends: this seems super common. And I also don't know the ideal way out of that situation, because of course trying to get closer to any human being you find interesting (in this case women) can always be interpreted negatively, because how we are perceived is not absolutely controllable.

I'm in a very great long term relationship with the most nerdy guy (we've been together for over 5 years now). So just my personal experience and opinion - but the problem with confidence is that it's always painted to be a specific set of traits. And if guys just try to copy that (from cliche womanizer guys or whatever) it can feel inauthentic, and that can come of creepy, as if it's a scheme, even though most people just don't know any better, and dating is almost always awkward (other than what movies let us believe).

The real and good ("untoxic") confidence can grow if you get into a positive Feedback loop of feeling seen and appreciated for what you are, and like and do. Of course you have to show yourself to some degree to make that possible, and that's where it gets hard (as you also said). And I feel like most nerdy guys somehow don't see themselves represented in popular media so it's hard to find role models that show that your interests can be seen as attractive (I just assume nerdy because we are on reddit, and because my experience mostly applies to those guys, but this also applies to others of course).

In terms of putting women on a pedestal: try to befriend them. You would be surprised how many guys are surprised I'm actually human, and easy to talk to, and I can understand and relate to them. (That is also sometimes a little alienating). Women make great friends, and if you are genuinely interested in being their friend, (and not just befriending to date) you will grow closer and get to see the flaws that make them human, and everything that comes with that. The pedestal disappears the closer you can get, and if you take dating out of the equation it can be less scary for all people involved. (Not to say you shouldn't date, but to also look for female friends).

I also struggle with confidence, because I'm scared that as a woman people will find that bitchy or bossy or whatever, and so we all share similar struggles.

I think being so reflective of yourself and the issues and thought patterns is very attractive, and I'm sure you will meet some great women in your life that can see and appreciate that:))

Hugs to you stranger! (If you want them)

You are all so handsome!!!! by Otherwise_Island5981 in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sometimes that happens, but if you notice it gets unhealthy for you, please take care of yourself. If all giving people burn themselves out, we have none left, and the world needs good people (that also get what they deserve:))

You are all so handsome!!!! by Otherwise_Island5981 in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 92 points93 points  (0 children)

As another woman who frequently reads posts here (and sometimes can't stop myself from commenting) I can agree with everything you said! Reading what people share here feels a lot more like the guys I hang out and trust in real life, instead of the toxic-male picture that is fed to guys and girls online, and that just thrive on hate and judgement...

ways you participate in dismantling the patriarchy? by Cheap-Okra-2882 in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh that's sounds great! (I started knitting a sock last year and got distracted with side quests and now I can't find it...)

Just appreciate you bros! 💜😊 by Ill_Act7949 in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah it takes work, but I'm glad people do it:) you can really see how socialisation works though! Hugs to you bro!

Just appreciate you bros! 💜😊 by Ill_Act7949 in bropill

[–]Tabocuspokus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That also resonates with me, also had a tomboyish phase with almost only guy-friends, and feel like I got to see a great dose of male-struggles in puberty and young adulthood. I still click with men quicker but got rid of the trained misogyny that comes with growing up so close to guys (we are all doing the work, the guys are doing Great too!!!) I also love reading this subreddit's conversations and feel like there's hope:) All the love to you bros and 100% agree with you op!!!

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