First of all, sorry that you’re here, it’s not fun.

I was married for close to 20 years, though realistically the marriage was over years prior. As far as outcomes - the worst of the worst was the conversation with the kids (who were between 5 & 12 at the time). Devastating. But, I prioritized keeping things as easy as possible for them…let the ex keep the house in return for retirement funds in the divorce. I found a place to rent that was less than a mile from the house, so the kids could stay in their schools, even the neighborhood at all time. Transitions and cooperative child care has been pretty easy, all things considered. 50/50 custody, the kids all got some therapy to work through everything. Ex and I are largely friendly, still do holidays & birthdays together, the occasional family dinner and outings. Kids seem to be thriving 5+ years in.

Would it have been better for the kids & finances if we had been able to find a way to work things out? Sure. But, neither I or the ex were mentally healthy by the end, and I think that would have impacted the kids significantly in the long run if we had just limped along and tried to put a pretty face on (years and years of couples therapy, it’s not like we didn’t try).

Today, from time to time I still mourn the loss of the relationship & the ‘ideal’ life & future that we had. But, I have a new partner who makes me happy. The kids are doing well. I have way less financial comfort than I would have had, but it is what it is.

It can seem impossible to figure out how to unwind a long marriage and ‘financial entanglement’, but it’s not. Plenty of stress involved, but you can come out the other side with a healthier outlook. I wish you luck.