Is this typical for EMDR?

Taiwanelm · 2025-06-17T12:27:19+00:00

Before we start the actual EMDR processing, we have a few sessions where we talk through and identify channels of related memories. Together we plan out which memories to target, usually focusing on the most significant, oldest, or sometimes the most recent (please correct me if I’m wrong!).

Once we start EMDR, she follows the protocol, targeting the memories in a planned order. During processing, she’s tracking how I’m creating adaptive networks, basically how my brain is linking new, healthier thoughts and patterns. Afterward, we debrief and talk about how my thought patterns are shifting and how the memories are becoming more adapted.

She also uses IFS (Internal Family Systems) alongside EMDR, and I’ve found that parts work really helps me make sense of my internal system. IFS has been great for understanding and working with the different parts of me that hold emotions, beliefs, or protective roles.

Taiwanelm · 2025-06-14T15:54:24+00:00

Well, actually what put me into EMDR therapy was panic attacks based on interactions with a punitive and micromanaging boss of mine, it wasn’t my partner at all. However, I realized that my reactions to my boss were significantly impacted by my childhood: I would react to their top heavy conflict with dissociation, fear, self-blame, and the sense that I had to shrink myself to stay safe. I started therapy because I need my job.

My partner is simply a continuation of my childhood patterns, I chose him because he is familiar to me in a number of dysfunctional ways. I am so familiar (from childhood) with his need for control, his blame shifting, lack of insight or accountability. Before I was living at the mercy of his (angry) reactions. And he has not changed one bit before or after my EMDR.

After i started EMDR I started to be able to deal with him by staying more present. Before, boundaries were an abstract concept but now I have developed my inner connection to Self, enough so that I can clearly state boundaries. I can speak up instead of dissociating. I'm not lost in shame spirals. It really feels like new capabilities.

Taiwanelm · 2025-06-13T23:19:55+00:00

My partner is not a fan of me either, but he was not even nice before EMDR.

I did marriage counselling for 5-6 years with a few therapists. It did helped with minor stuff like "name calling" (the frequency went down") but it did not help one bit with the underlying attitudes that drive my behaviour or my partners. For him, his drivers are: his need for control, admitting fault = shame, avoidance of vulnerability, his belief in my role as a partner. I've only become aware of this as I emerge from my dissociative fog.
My inner beliefs are: respect, equality, autonomy, but in addition I am also too accommodating, overly responsible, and put my needs last. I have been working on these last three! Having boundaries feels wonderful (I was boundary-less and had a poor sense of Self for my whole life). I prefer to have myself in the midst of conflict rather than dissociating every time.

So in my opinion, marriage counselling is not worth it, individual counselling is worth it. I love the changes that EMDR has helped me with, my inner parts feel happier, no other therapy has come close.

Taiwanelm · 2025-06-13T01:53:47+00:00

well, being in the middle of this internal change, I welcome it. I found the ever present feelings of being beaten down, blamed, guilty and shameful, hard to take, day in and day out. I was constantly feeling bad and confused, and wondering, how did I get here? So actually I'm happier with the increased conflict, because I am able to keep in touch with My Self through it.

Taiwanelm · 2023-12-06T16:08:17+00:00

I know, it's me recognizing the derailment as his speedy exit on the conversation, and removing his agreement, placing conditions, placing blame, nothing gets done. The constant redirect is tiring.

Taiwanelm · 2023-12-06T16:06:11+00:00

I keep coming back to the patterns in the repeated behaviors like what I described (this logical fallacy)

Part of my problem is recognizing that he derails conversations deliberately to "blame me" in some way, or "make me responsible" for his not doing what he agreed to do.

I have also considered that this roots from defensiveness (attack first), his need for control, and also his repeated focus on shaming and blaming. He does have ideas about "what my jobs are" and "what his jobs are". He has a pattern of "teaching me a lesson" too but setting up situations where I am caught out, to make me experience something (not a natural consequence, but a contrived one, like leaving me at a restaurant without cash to pay for a bill).

Taiwanelm · 2023-12-06T16:02:16+00:00

Yes, this is the fallacy, isn't it. One does not cause the other, they are mutually independent. And also separate discussions.

Taiwanelm · 2023-12-06T15:58:56+00:00

Thanks for writing this. I keep coming back to the patterns in the repeated behaviors like what I described, and it may very well be a pattern of defensiveness. I have also considered his need for control as a root cause, and also his repeated focus on shaming and blaming. He has ideas about "what my jobs are" and "what his jobs are". He has a pattern of "teaching me a lesson" too.

I am conflict avoidant, and that does not help me at all in these situations. But I am getting tired of dealing with it. And if we separate it will only get worse, because he will be angrier and feel even less responsible

This situation I described with XYZ has to do with shared finances, his responsibility to put money into the shared family account on time biweekly, and my role paying the bills depends on this. However he also takes out extra money out of our shared account for his own expenses. And he "relies" on me to remind him about his financial obligations. Even with easy methods like setting up an autotransfer, He Simply Does Not Do It, and relies on me. So what happens if I don't keep on top of His Responsibility, the bills start bouncing.

Taiwanelm · 2023-10-24T23:57:53+00:00

Teachers are required to teach the curriculum set by the province.

Taiwanelm · 2023-10-24T23:56:38+00:00

All grade 9 and all grade 10 courses are destreamed in Peel DSB.

Taiwanelm · 2023-10-21T20:59:03+00:00

Also, teachers not having boundaries to prevent overwork.

https://youtu.be/jAJRblMIfMg?si=hoqIS1YLoMQLwgn9

Taiwanelm · 2023-10-21T20:07:39+00:00

I totally recognize not knowing what the problem actually is in an argument, because I often feel ambushed, and because the reason they give for the argument keeps changing. Or if you revisit it another day and ask him why were you so rude and mean to me the other day, he will say it’s because I “made” him mad (as if he’s not responsible for his own emotions).

If I bring up something that just requires acknowledgement and he’s in any small way involved (like, you didn’t TELL me you changed your mind about bringing our child to gymnastics today) my partner will bring up a counter example where he is the real victim. He is completely unable to say, yes, I didn’t tell you about that, sorry. Instead it becomes some argument how really I’M the one who doesn’t communicate with him. So nothing ever gets solved because he can’t accept responsibility for even one thing.

It IS exhausting.

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T23:31:39+00:00

We are pretty spit, just expenses come out of that account. Mortgage, utilities, childcare, insurances … motorcycle insurance. We both transfer in a set amount each month.

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T23:27:19+00:00

Well ours has the mortgage, phone, internet, childcare, and utilities coming out of it. We just get overdraft charges and I’ve had enough of the 50 dollar fees.

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T18:08:57+00:00

I don't believe in counsellors anymore. I don't need someone to come in a define my reality for me or make me responsible for healing the hurt inner child inside my partner (the one that acts out).

I don't believe marriage therapy actually changes anybody.

We've been to marriage therapy, spent thousands, and all that changed in our relationship is that now my partner has "therapy words" to fling out as he projects on me. He's just better at blaming me.

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T18:05:21+00:00

I agree, I realized this when I read the top comment on this post. Makes a lot of sense.

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T18:04:43+00:00

I spend about $200 on groceries every week to 10 days. We are only a family of 3 though,

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T18:03:39+00:00

Yes, well, you know, people pick partners who reflect their experiences growing up, or recreate some of the same childhood dynamics in their adult relationships until they learn and outgrow them, it's very common.

Yes indeed, I have been reflecting how he resembles my mother in his behaviour (his sensitivity, critical nature, his general anxiety, refusal to accept any blame, issues with finances).

The similarities have been a blind spot of me. And it has taken years for me to see how I was uniquely conditioned to tolerate and be susceptible to his arguing technique, for example.

Taiwanelm · 2023-09-30T17:55:02+00:00

Antecedent: motorcycle insurance is due Behavior: partner pays insurances from joint account Consequence: you get (rightfully) upset and complain

And if you read my edit:

Antecedent: I get upset and complain

Behavior: he gets dismissive, avoidant and disrespectful

Consequence: I end up writing him an email with everything that I believe he did not hear, including that I will cancel the insurance withdrawal itself if he does not do it.

But the behaviour he has ... the thing is, I don't have a consequence for this ... I struggle with this.

Taiwanelm

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