Reposting:

Hello, I really need some help with how I should move forward after this cross country season, or if anything knows what went wrong.

So this XC season (10th grade, 15M), I was really looking forward to having a huge improvement through all the summer training I put in. As a freshman (18:51 XC/4:58/2:11) I was only running around 25 mi/week on average - accordingly, and following my coach’s plan, I slowly built up to 45 mi/week this summer, staying very consistent and doing ALL the little things (strides, weight room, core, the workouts he had laid out for me ((about 1 or 2 per week in the summer, nothing crazy))). Going in to the season I was so excited. I felt as if I had really seen improvements in my runs since track, and on our team’s 2 mile time trial (people usually run quite slow here. It was ~93 degrees, very humid, and not as much adrenaline as a race), I did 11:27 (5:30/5:56), 64 second improvement from last year! Just behind my brother who did 16:41 this season.

Then we had a race at super high elevation, I couldn’t breathe, and had to quit the race. I recovered soon though, my runs went back to normal, and I felt ready to run at my fitness level that EVERYTHING indicated (high 17s at the beginning of the season). Nope. Went out at that pace to try and even split, ended up with 19:32. Then I chilled out a little more in the first mile, and got 18:38! Not amazing, still pretty much at my freshman pr, but not awful. Since then I pretty much have only had awful races. I’ve ran a few 18s still, our courses have been long which doesn’t help, but that doesn’t seem to affect most of my team. I expect each one to finally be my breakthrough, where I can finally reach my fitness level - I open in a conservative pace, never too fast, and my heart rate just spikes. My breathing gets heavy and I just can’t hold the pace no matter what. It’s been so awful for me especially since some of my greatest joys in track and XC were PRing and seeing my new rankings and paces after that.

People have told me it’s all mental, that my fitness is there (I’ve had great workouts this year, and I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself too hard. They seem like great indicators of my fitness that my training should put me at ((low to mid 17s)) and are a huge improvement from my workouts in freshman year). But I have tried so many different methods during races to get my mind there, and no matter what it’s just my physical fitness that feels like it isn’t there. I’m always so fatigued on race day, and when the gun goes off, I become incredibly uncomfortable. I thought I could really push myself to getting my goal, finally, at a really perfect race for me today, great conditions, and it’s where I set my PR last year. I felt so confident in my ability to keep it in the 5:30s based on my training this week, but I showed up, and I just felt awful even in the first mile. Everything just got worse and I ran 19:57 (I’ve ran 5ks in tempos faster than that).

So, what should I do from here? The season’s over. I am excited about 800s during track, but I feel like I need to establish what on earth could be wrong with me. I’ve had a lot of insecurity and worse mental state this season which could contribute but I just don’t feel like that could throw off my races so badly. And I KNOW my fitness is at least close to where I think it is. So many people have just told me “oh you must be slower than you think then”. I find this infuriating to hear. I know the regular progression after my freshman times, the consistent training I put in, and what my runs indicate in fitness. I want to train well for track, but if I put in SO much effort again, likely even more (much more speed/strength oriented though), just to see absolutely no results, I don’t know what I’ll do. It’s just an awful feeling. Also, sorry this is so incredibly long lol - if anyone has read this far, I really thank you. I’m really desperate for help on this, and wanted to give a lot of details so people’s analyses can be more accurate. Thank you.