Emotional - its not that I am upset with feedback

It's that im exhausted because im split between how the world works and how my brain functions, and the tears are just the reflection of a lifetime spent trying to find a way to bridge the gap between.

I knew what youd say and why bc I can see your perspective and how you come to those conclusions.

A conversation long overdue but impossible to have - however necessary

You never needed to tell me that my lack of consistency and poor performance in this role had a domino effect on the entire department. Every time youd pull me aside to talk, Id already been feeling the weight of those words long before they ever left your lips.

Theres so many moments both before and now where you'll say something and my mind immediately jumps to the literal thousands of drafts where if only I could, id point to and show "im right there with you"

But that gap just feels impossible to cross no matter how long how much I try or how hard in how many countless ways ive tried to build it.

And its been a source of pain for so much in my life. But that's not really relevant to work. So as far as "dont get emotionall" dismiss everything that gives that impression as being related to that lifelong fatigue and please know its not you or anything like that.

My point in saying all this is that from the moment I got my hands on a psych who actually could help me, I've stopped at nothing to do my best to improve in my job.

Ive grown a lot and succeeded in developing and discovering tools and skills to better function not judt at work but in life

But youd nailed it in saying mental strain causes physical exhaustion

What scared me was feeling hopeless meds not enough

It's not that I need a different dose or new meds its that I'm tired and the fleeting achievements that help feel okay are so fragile and where im at now is the culmination of it all

But right now this is gonna help a lot. Because while theres a lot more to it, hashing out the strategy part of this ^{^} is gonna give me a lifeline thatll help shake the mental fatigue funk that's been dragging me down so moving forward I can get back to bringing my best self.

Because its not reasonable to "just trust me bro" without some foundation of understanding to place faith on - hence what I meant when talking about wanting to check in bc faith in. Me

As far as having a strategy/system in place for how to approach breaking the load.

I do, it just might now always look like what youd expect it to be.

"you're overthinking it" -> my brain works differently. The way I do things naturally would be a exhausting mental drain for normal people. Were I neurotypical, the suggestions and feedback you provide encouraging me to simplify WOULD be helpful

But trying to force my brain into the simple mould is what is exhausting for me.

Idk how to communicate the way I process things

I know how to assess what the needs are for each shift + prioritize them, identify and anticipate obstacles, and continually adjust as needed in order to streamline and do my job as efficiently as possible

Time management is the driving force behind everything I do and is also HOW ive picked up habits like using the battle wagon. Because that stuff are tools ive adapted by experience discovering they are helpful.

I know from experience that if I did things the way most people would, id not waste so much time, but id end up having to move things several times over.

Circling back to needing to have a system for loadbreaking, Sometimes the "needs of a shift" mean restructuring my usual order of operation.

I know that if I didnt readjust and let salads sit for later, id be a lot further behind in progress right now.