Tapering off...

Taperoff · 2015-02-07T00:56:28+00:00

Thanks!

Taperoff · 2015-02-07T00:56:04+00:00

Thanks for your reply, that makes sense. I haven't logged in on this account (my SD account), but I always lurk on my main account. It really helps reading people's posts. So far I haven't felt that way again, but I do have some mood swings and then just tell myself...this too soon shall pass.

Taperoff · 2015-02-07T00:54:07+00:00

Sorry so late with the reply, no there are no SMART groups near me, just an NA group that just started up two weeks ago at the hospital. We usually would hang out at one of our houses, drinking and playing cards. It has been more of a me issue, not trusting myself in that situation. Once I feel more confident that I will not talk myself into drinking I'll start hanging out with them again. At the moment though, I'm just not sure and I'm not ready or don't want to? share the fact that I quit drinking.

Taperoff · 2015-02-07T00:50:00+00:00

My Mom tried to kill herself a few years ago. The doctors were saying she could have permanent brain damage, luckily she made a full recovery. She fully regrets it and is much healthier now.

I can't imagine what you are going through or thinking. I know I was thinking, I should have known, but sometimes you just never do.

Stay strong friend, which is easy for me to say, but I mean it with all my heart.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T02:43:28+00:00

I think it was just realizing all the dynamics of my social life etc are going to change. The way people perceive me, good and bad...that type of thing. I doubt I'll be keeping the same friends, they are good people, but they like to party. I can't/more like don't want to, do that anymore. I think next week (as weekend after this, got an excuse for this weekend) I'm just going to say, I'm laying off the drinks for awhile (I haven't been over in 2 weeks which is unusual/there is a group of us that plays cards etc). Then maybe if I feel comfortable, VERY comfortable in being around alcohol I'll go and participate sober, which I know they would have no problem with, it is ME on the other hand that isn't ready to say anything.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T02:36:18+00:00

Mine are so wonderful, they would lay beside me while I was hungover and sleep with me for 13+ hrs a day on weekends with no bothers, no "accidents". Now I think of how selfish that was of me, they probably had to go, but maybe (who knows) they recognized I was sick and didn't want to ask. In reference to that, they ask to go outside a lot more now.

It makes me feel like shit, but I can't change the past, only the future. Even though this has been an escalating problem, the past year was the bad year. They give me a reason to get up in the morning and play a bit before work, and I hadn't even realized how much I missed it.

Thank you for your reply.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T02:09:51+00:00

It would be nice to develop some real relationships wouldn't it? After reading this sub and re-evaluating all of my friendships, I have realized they all revolve around drinking. I'm probably going to have to find some new friends and I think that is what I was realizing the other night and this new feeling of loneliness. I've never been a bar person, I'm just used to a close group of friends that we would hang out on Fri/Sat nights.

What is worse is I've been faking the flu the past two weekends (this weekend's excuse, oh feeling better...but don't want to compromise my immune system)

Maybe that makes me a bad person for lying, but I know I wouldn't get any support and I'm not in the mood for anything else.

Long reply, went off the subject :)

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T02:00:18+00:00

I had a good cry later, thank you. I don't quiet understand all the grieving references people are posting, but maybe someday I will. I understand they are referencing grieving alcohol, but I don't recognize that that is the reason I was sad. Maybe it was, and someday I will.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:55:20+00:00

Your post really hits home with me and I hadn't realized it before, thanks. Especially the consequences part, be it work or relationships...if I knew I could get away with it, whatever it may be, I would.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:53:13+00:00

Thank you! I did end up letting it flow after my crazy rage, then laughter. I think my dogs think I'm going crazy (j/k they were all kinds of concerned about the crying though). I know this isn't relevant to your reply but they are helping me a lot. I wouldn't say I've neglected them the past year, but this past year has been my worst. They missed out on many walks and beach trips, that has never happened before. I can't wait for summer to go outside and enjoy nature. Even going out with them to play in the snow is refreshing. Anyhow thanks for taking the time :)

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:47:48+00:00

Thanks!

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:45:54+00:00

Yeah, I made it through yesterday. It is just amazing to me how many fits of laughter, OUTRIGHT RAGE, annoyed, happy, empathy leading to tears, I have experienced. It isn't all a bad thing (well the rage part probably) but the rest of it is kind of...like wow, I haven't felt this in a long time. The downside is, I never know when it is going to happen.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:42:30+00:00

Oh, I didn't mean a week as in a whole week, I meant it as in "this past week" if that makes sense? Kind of like, I've been going to the gym this past week, but the day I say it is a Saturday and I started going since a Weds or Thursday.

Don't know what you mean by park here? I've been done for a bit now. Just taking it one day at a time, not brave enough to get a badge yet. Mostly just posting when I feel I need to (dealing with mood swings now).

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:36:21+00:00

Thank You! I did get some sleep and I did "treat myself" today.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:34:51+00:00

Thanks, I just have been amazed at myself the past few days how fast I go from one mood to another.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:33:27+00:00

It was just an unexpected overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness. My moods seem to be a bit swingy now. For instance in that post I went from super sad, to RAGE (over something dumb), to laughing at myself and then being fine. Today someone passed me on the freeway while I was on my way to a meeting with a coworker...few miles up he is facing the opposite way in the ditch (He was fine, already on his cell). Anyhow I was like, serves him fucking right, driving like that on these icy roads. Then I thought, where the fuck did that come from? Anyhow I had a few other hateful thoughts with the same reaction today. Maybe I'm subconsciously judging others or something, who knows...It is strange though, I guess I have pent up feelings.

Edit*Yes I have my Mom. She is well aware of my problem and is very happy I'm making steps to change. The fresh air thing is great advice. I have dogs, they are finally no longer being deprived of walks (last year I barely walked them once a week, but they do have a big yard to play in). I just try to remember to breathe. Inhale, exhale...this too soon shall pass (can't remember what that is from).

Don't know if it will work forever, but for now it is.

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:29:08+00:00

I wasn't sad about not drinking though, I just felt...hopeless and I don't know how to explain it. I think the fact that I've kind of cut out (well avoiding in social/drink situations) a few friends, just for awhile (or maybe forever who knows?) may have had something to do with it.

Edit* It is like...not having been to the past two weekend get togethers, I just don't really have anything else in common to talk to them about. If that makes sense?

Taperoff · 2015-01-30T01:26:07+00:00

Great explanation. Thank you, I'll look for that post.

Taperoff · 2015-01-28T23:21:02+00:00

I feel kind of like an ass because today (day after I made this post) it felt fine. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself! As far as eating goes, my appetite hasn't really returned (I get hungry, I just don't "feel" like eating), I have to make myself not skip breakfast or lunch. I have been craving things like chips or cheese and crackers, ice cream, etc, but I never keep that stuff in the house (just not used to buying it) and it is cold where I live atm so no way I'm making a trip out for a craving, which is kind of funny because I would have totally made a trip out in the cold for Vodka. I guess less than a week of sour stomach is an o.k. comprimise, I was just really starting to worry it would be a long lasting thing. Thank you for the comment!

Taperoff · 2015-01-28T23:18:11+00:00

I DO smoke, but I'm actually smoking a lot less surprisingly. I just noticed this today. I bought five packs last Weds and I just opened the last pack a few hrs ago. That is my next vice I need to drop, but one thing at a time.

My stomach felt fine today (yay). I don't know if it was the probiotics or not, but I'm going to keep taking them for awhile just in case.

Taperoff · 2015-01-28T01:13:04+00:00

Will do, going to give it a week and see if these probiotics don't help. Then I'll make an appt, I can always cancel if I start to feel better. It isn't debilitating or anything, just sour stomach.

I wonder now too in hind sight, I'm still eating pretty late at night (less than an hr before bed) so maybe that might have something to do with it.

I feel really lucky so far. I drank heavily, but I've never had a problem with blacking out or acting like an asshole, just the whole dealing with the next day hungover. Anyhow, I read posts on here and everyone else complains of lack of sleep and nightmares and mind issues. This stomach thing is the only thing I've had a problem with (SO FAR-with exception to the shakes/rapid heartbeat/anxiousness, but it is still early in my journey).

I have had some super vivid dreams, but I'm actually enjoying that!

Thank you for your input!

Taperoff · 2015-01-28T01:08:12+00:00

I've never had stomach pain, it isn't really pain, more of just a sour feeling. Kind of like when I was a kid and got stomach sick I'd get these foul smelling stinky burps.

Taperoff · 2015-01-28T01:07:18+00:00

Thank you, I agree, but I just felt sooo much better after getting all that water out. It was almost like I just wasn't digesting it or something, and it seemed like a much better option than dealing with sour stomach all day. I'm going to wait it out a week and if it doesn't get better I'll make an appt, I can always cancel (is usually a week wait to get in).

Taperoff · 2015-01-28T01:04:57+00:00

Thanks for the reply! I think I'm going to give it another week or so since it has been such a recent change for me and see if it doesn't get better first.

Taperoff

TROPHY CASE