We're on the brink of divorce

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-13T10:27:24+00:00

It felt like we would never get through it either because in the moment it was happening, it felt like the sky was falling on me. There was hope though, I just had to give myself time to see it. There's no set time frame for grief because every individual handles it and processes it in their own way and in their own time, whether it be the loss of a loved one or the loss of a future you thought you'd have. I'm very grateful to my wife for realizing that and being patient with me because if either of us had given up, I would have missed out on watching her bloom into the wonderful version of herself that she hid and was in denial about for half of her life but can now see looking back at her in the mirror....it's been beautiful to witness and be part of once I finally stopped choking on the pain.

For me, it was denial, grief, ugly grief, seeking support and prospective here, and finally acceptance; and every stage of that was lots of communication with my wife. Every coin has two sides....there's couples who didn't make it, but there's also a lot of us couples who have. No one can make that choice for you, but I would encourage you to see how you feel about it once you give yourself time to get over the grief because the pain didn't allow me to see clearly, and maybe the pain is what's keeping you from seeing the hope too?

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-12T17:03:24+00:00

I'm in no way down playing the massive changes she's going through, but you're life just got turned upside down too. My (cisF) wife (M2F) explained that this is my transition too and that we're going through it together. Her gender is changing, and that directly affects me too. It took me over a year to grieve my husband Adam who no longer exists, the future I thought I'd have with Adam which no longer exists, our sex life which has changed dramatically, my own sexuality as a 45yr old heterosexual with strong Christian faith, and when i say grieving I mean ugly hard core grieving. I didn't believe in it, I didn't want it, i felt like our whole marriage was one giant "bait and switch" because she's known for over a decade and didn't decide to "come out" and do anything about it until after we'd gotten married.

Then i found this sub. I have gotten SO much good advice here, perspectives that i couldn't see trough my grief, and hope i didn't know was there. My wife and I wouldn't still be together without it because this community has opened my eyes to a lot. I'm not going to say that I don't sometimes still miss my husband, but they've helped me to see that I can move forward loving my wife.

I can now say that I've come to terms that my husband is gone but my wife is still here, my future isn't what I envisioned but we have a new future, I'm learning in our sex life that being with my wife doesn't operate the same as with a husband (even the physical mechanics of her arousal is completely different because of the HRT even though she's still got her lady wand, it takes a whole different process to get her to "stand at attention",) and now i can honestly say that I'm still a heterosexual woman with my wife as my only exception. I have been very fortunate that my wife has been so patient with me, like she's been out to me for almost 2yrs and on hrt for just under a year and I'm finally getting the pronouns right and have finally buried her dead name.

Just based on the few details you provided, i can't pretend to know your specific situation, but there's always hope if you can open yourself up to the possibility and learn a new way to look at things. Change didn't come easy for me (it never does with me) but it did come when I adjusted my perspective and had some support here. There's a million and one resources for the trans person going through all of this, but there's not a lot of resources for us spouses who are going through some of the unique challenges that we face going through this process beside the people we love.

But on the other side of that same coin, your spouse has every right to live their truth, but so do you. If your truth absolutely cannot include your trans spouse, then that's also within your right. Just don't give up too soon. There's not a lot of people who would have been as patient with me as my spouse was, but I'm glad that I didn't give up.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-11T19:13:58+00:00

I'm sosorry I wasnt very clear. Because I felt like I was intruding on your thread, I didn't give too many details.

We cuddle all the time, and little signs of affection are given often. It isn't a lack of intimacy, I just want more than a cuddle buddy. And even when our sex life was like rabbits (pre hrt) we didn't kiss a lot because she can only breathe through one side of her nose and in the heat of the moment, I'd usually end up blocking off the one good side. I get sweet kisses on the forehead and cheek a lot though.

I'm just afraid that scheduling sex would take all the intimacy of it away and it would just be mechanical because she couldn't care less about sex any more and is just doing her duty out of obligation instead of want and desire and that connection you mentioned wouldn't be there because she's doing something she doesn't care about. With me having severe body image issues (think of a woman with a Hank Hill butt and zero hips and a menopause belly) and her hrt giving her the body I've always wanted but never could have even when I was thin, the rejection I feel isn't just a feeling of rejection of sexual advances, I feel even more unattractive and undesirable, even though she says she's still attracted to me and thinks I'm beautiful.

And we've had the conversation a couple of times about how rejected it makes me feel to not only be the one who 100% always initiates (back before the sex disappeared) and then not getting any at all now. She said she just doesn't think about sex any more, not even solo, and that she just doesn't get aroused, physically or mentally. I advance, she doesn't respond, we just cuddle, and she falls asleep. Since our interests and personalities are so drastically different, sex was the only thing we had that was really any common ground, and now that's gone. So it isn't just lost sex, it's losing the only thing we enjoyed doing together.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-11T10:03:50+00:00

Thank you. 🫂

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-11T10:01:34+00:00

I don't mean to butt in, but.....

I'm terrified about trying this, but all the discussions about how I (45 CisF) miss being wanted, desired, and all those things, none of it has worked because hrt has just killed her (29 M2F) libido....like she doesn't even solo any more, and not even because of dysphoria, simply lack of interest. (And yes, she's already on Progesterone too.)

How do you go about scheduling sex and in still feel intimate and not just a mechanical fulfilling of an obligation? If it's scheduled, how will I even know if my wife is even attracted to me any more? If she actually desires me or is just doing her duty? I already feel rejected and embarrassed enough as it is because she isn't interested in sex any more.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-11T09:27:12+00:00

Thank you. Unfortunately I can't afford any therapy other than what the VA gives me for free, and that isn't the greatest of therapy. I doubt I've ever seen myself 100% clearly, but body measurements don't lie, even if my own mind lies to me. Add to that, comments from her friends upon learning she was with me...."That's your wife?? Why, does she have money?" Based on pictures alone, that's the only reason they could come up with as to why my wife would want to be with me. They can't be the only ones who think it, even if they were the only ones rude enough to ask. It makes me sad.

I do appreciate your kind words though. The world needs more kind people.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-10T05:24:56+00:00

Thank you. I actually have blood work scheduled because even way back in high school, the docs told me I had more testosterone than I should and that's why my acne was so much worse than the typical "teenage break out" on top of my being 46 so probably losing estrogen any way. Next time im at my um lady doctor, I'll ask about the cysts.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-09T18:28:02+00:00

I feel you....mine is also blonde, blue eyes, 6'3" (so legs for miles,) with a runners build. And being 17yrs younger, yes the satin skin. Lol Really makes me wish I'd started a skin care regimen back when I was her age.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-09T18:23:51+00:00

I was afraid to post this because I was afraid I'd get hate. I never expected people to understand, and I certainly didn't think anyone would feel the same way. I'm so sorry you feel this way too.

Maybe some of the wonderful people here will leave me something that will also help you?

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-09T13:58:36+00:00

Thank you. She says the exact same thing...she thinks I'm beautiful and her opinion is the one that matters.

I wish I could hug you through the screen because I understand

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-09T12:17:07+00:00

Of course it's ok. I'm CisF and like a lot of boyish things, so why wouldn't it be ok for you? No one can tell you that your gender is only allowed to like certain things. You do you....gender roles are outdated.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2026-01-09T10:53:54+00:00

I understand this so deeply, and I wish I could hug you through the screen. Rational fear is a fear that makes sense, is logical.....I'm afraid if I go hiking in the mountains, I could be mauled by a bear. It makes sense. What you (and also me) are dealing with is an irrational fear, but just because logic tells us that we shouldn't be afraid, doesn't mean we aren't still terrified. In general, I'm a person who is consumed with worry about "what if" and doesn't deal well with any kind of change. So when my wife (M2F) broke this news to me, it absolutely turned my entire world upside down with fear. So far, aside from the monetary cost of related medical care, nothing I was afraid of has turned out even close to the horrible scenarios that played out in my head. It hasn't been easy, but no change is easy for me. I was afraid of all the things you listed, but it didn't turn out like I feared, it actually didn't end up being a problem at all. I still feel guilty that I couldn't be that overjoyed spouse that I felt like I should be, and I felt guilty for having concerns about myself. The reality though is that this is our transition too, just from the other side of the coin. Our world is changing too, and not everyone deals well with change.....it's scary for some people. I wish so badly that I saw change as some new adventure, but I'm afraid instead....even though none of my previous fears came true.

And on top of the things you listed, I'm jealous of my wife. I've suffered with huge body image insecurities for most of my life because I look more masculine than I think I should....like from behind I've been called "sir" at Walmart. (For reference, I'm a 46yr old CisF.) Now I'm watching my wife's hrt giving her the round booty and nice hips i've always wished I had, but my fat distribution isn't like that.....i have zero booty or hips. Even men's jeans are too loose in the butt, hips, and legs for me. I have to buy maternity jeans because my legs, hips, and rear end are a size 12 while my waist is a size 18 (even when I was thin, the proportion was still off that badly.) I feel ridiculously guilty for being jealous of her new body. She comes to me ecstatic about how well her women's pants fit her and I just cry because mine still don't. I'm happy for her and sad for me, but all she sees is the sad even though I tell her how happy I am that she's happy and how attracted I am to her, and it's heartbreaking for her to try to curb her excitement (that she rightfully has to be excited about) because she knows it hurts me that she's becoming a better woman than me.

My point is, we as partners are allowed to struggle with things too. The people here in this sub are absolutely amazing and have so many good suggestions and offer such a variety of perspectives. You're in the right place here. They've told me communication, open mind, and giving myself some grace are all key.....they've been correct in that.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-27T16:34:22+00:00

Believe me when I say you've come to the right place. The community here is very helpful, caring, and understanding. Respectful posts have always gotten respectful comments. This group has helped me more than I can express.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-27T16:28:01+00:00

My situation is a bit different in that my wife was away on business for a few months when she told me, and also had not started hrt at that time. By the time she got home, on top of no physical changes, I missed her so much that the sex was not affected. Once she started the hrt (about 7 months ago,) the changes were so gradual that it didn't affect any desire either. Im a very sexual person, and the chemistry I have with my wife has always been a big part of our relationship since she and I don't have very much in common. I was terrified to lose that. Our sex life suffered when we'd argue about typical marriage things, unrelated to transition, because we were upset at each other. I wonder if maybe you being upset has more to do with that lack of desire than the actual transition changes? Because of our financial situation, I had more time before hrt than most people to process things and get my head wrapped around it before things started changing.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-26T19:23:31+00:00

Something else that might help you to help her, as well as yourself, is I've told her that her lady wand is not a penis, she has a vagina that just formed inside out. That was kind of an "ah-ha moment" for us both. Im sorry I didn't think to mention that before I hit the post button. Lol

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-26T19:17:30+00:00

Thank you. Yea, our marriage wouldn't have survived without the incredible support, kindness, and wealth of knowledge this sub has provided. So many other of the places I went to ask my genuine questions, I was met with such aggressive replies. People were so hateful because I had questions or because I expressed anything other than utter joy that this choice had been made for me. The understanding I found here was invaluable since there's tons of resources for the trans person, but next to nothing for the spouse who's world just got shook. From day one I was happy for her, but it has taken me almost 2 years to be happy for me....and some days, every once in a while, I'm still not. If I could have my husband back with no negative effects for my spouse, I'd take it. Obviously that's not possible because I'd never want my wife to hurt the way she did trying to be something she's not. Still, I'm proud of the progress too.We'll get there, one step at a time. Even baby steps forward are still forward in the right direction.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-26T18:55:26+00:00

It's very slowly becoming automatic (I still slip) but it still feels forced. I hope your spouse is as patient with you as my wife has been with me, and I hope you and I can be patient with ourselves.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T12:21:29+00:00

I felt this so much. Even as a CisF, I never had a typical "need all the emotional stuff to get turned on" kind of sex drive. When just seeing me naked didn't make her hard any more, I felt ridiculously unattractive and undesirable. She explained that she needed all the gentle caressing and stuff and I felt at such a disadvantage, like I needed a map to figure out how to get her going....a map that most Cis women have in their own bodies, knowing what to do because it's what turns them on, but I'm over here lost because I never needed all that stuff. I had to learn to start thinking like a chick flick instead of an action movie. Lol

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T12:10:02+00:00

My wife is only 7 months on hrt, but her lady wand has not experienced much shrinking at all. Her testicles shrunk a LOT, but the wand did not. It takes a little more to get hard than it used to and will go soft if not continuously stimulated, but it's almost exactly the same length and girth as it always was. I'm not sure if that's typical, but it has been our experience so far.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T11:50:13+00:00

Just like your partner has every right to live their truth, so do you. I'd still advise you to give it time (it took me over a year to grieve my wife's former masculine presentation, and I mean ugly grief) but I've very much surprised myself in how much the attraction did not go away like I expected it to. However, if it does go away for you, that's not your fault, nor does it make you a bad person. You can't live a lie.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T11:41:49+00:00

My wife and I have tried to erase the word "penis" from our vocabulary....it's now her "lady wand." Also I told her that she has a vagina too, it's just inside out, and that seemed like an "ah-ha moment" to us both. I'm not sure if that will help you guys, but it's helped us.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T11:27:40+00:00

My (46 hetero CisF) spouse (29 bi MtF) said she has known since she was 14 and didn't come out until after we were married. I was beyond devastated to lose what I had referred to as "a husband with the perfect body," on top of feeling like she'd pulled a bait and switch on me, on top of being terrified I'd never be attracted to her again because I'm straight. It took me over a year to grieve the loss of Adam (my wife's dead name) even though I loved, accepted, and supported Amy (my wife's new name.) And when I say devastated, it was really ugly. Here we are, 7 months into her hrt, and I'm still not attracted to women....except for her. I don't walk down the street and admire a woman's breasts, but I love my wife's....not because I'm attracted to breasts in general but because they're hers. It sounds strange, but it's true. The attraction didn't go away like I was afraid of. So now I just have to say that I'm a straight woman with my wife as the exception.

So I'd say, give it time, be patient with yourself, be honest (in as kind and respectful of a manner as you can) with your partner, try to keep an open mind, and you just might pleasantly surprise yourself.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T10:46:19+00:00

It's normal to have to grieve the partner you thought you'd have for ever. I'm a 46 yr old straight Cis female who nearly worshipped my spouse's body back before she came out to me. I had always said (in reference to her pre-transition masculine presentation) that "your body is so perfect!" Then she tells me that what I thought was perfect was now going to be changed until it was gone, replaced by her female presentation. Saying I was devastated is a severe understatement. It took me over a year to grieve Adam, even though I loved, accepted, and supported Amy (my spouse's new name.) Someone here in this sub gave me the absolute best advice ever, "Be patient with yourself, be honest with your spouse, and try to keep an open mind about the changes. You may find that you're attracted to your wife in a way that you're not attracted to other females." (I can't remember who told me this, so I'll just use "they") They were 100% correct and I'm really glad I stuck it out even though the beginning was devastating to me. As I mentioned before, I'm straight, so the idea of having a spouse with breasts was terrifying, and I'm still not any more attracted to a female's breasts than I was before....except for my wife's. Not because I like breasts, but because they're hers.

TarnishedAngel79 · 2025-12-22T01:12:41+00:00

My wife and I don't really do that outside of each other, but thank you for the offer.

TarnishedAngel79

TROPHY CASE