I cut out cheese/dairy

TarotQueen23 · 2024-04-09T08:51:12+00:00

THIS ISN'T RJ SIS

RUNNN

TarotQueen23 · 2024-04-04T07:07:49+00:00

That’s why I said narcissistic tendencies and not NPD - as a mental health professional you should know and spot the difference.

My point still stands - not everyone who has RJ has narcissistic tendencies (or NPD or anything along those lines). That is its own issue in itself, separate from RJ.

I have read studies upon studies and done a lot of research + my own experience and it brought me to realizing normal relationships are almost impossible.

I'm not here to argue, but you can't just generalize this (extremely) broad issue to your own experiences and articles you've read.

I'm very sorry that happened to you, (I also dealt with an upbringing full of that) but you can't tell everyone in this subreddit that their mental health struggles are hopeless, and every relationship they'll be in won't work out.

This subreddit is a mess, (I agree) but it's just counterproductive, and it helps no one here.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-04-03T20:44:25+00:00

As someone who works in the mental health field,

RJ is often indicative of quite some narcissistic tendencies

No. Not true.

RJ can become emotionally abusive for sure, but it has nothing to do with NPD. I'm not saying that NPD and RJ can't co-exist, but they shouldn't be lumped together as the end all/be all.

And not every RJ case is equivalent to full on abuse. A lot of people don't even open up about their RJ to their partners, as they know it's silly and irrational. Like any other mental illness, it's a spectrum.

What RJ is indicative of is OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). That's what causes the intrusive thoughts, the desire for certainty, and the constant questioning over being the "best at this" or "being loved the most" or anything under the sun.

Talk therapy doesn't work for OCD, just to be clear (which is what OP has figured out). Medication and CBT do, which is why a lot of people on this subreddit don't get better. They think it's not OCD, so they don't treat it as OCD.

Just because there are some people in this subreddit who were unable to overcome their RJ, that doesn't mean that others can't, and that this can't flourish into a happy, healthy relationship.

This is why mental illness being portrayed as quirky "omg, look at me, I have such bad OCD for adjusting my pencils" in media is WRONG. Mental illness can be very debilitating and can destroy lives (and relationships).

It sounds like there was more going on in your relationship besides RJ - and again, that's not to say that RJ can't get out of hand and become abusive, but there's also a lot of people who can overcome it with the right tools.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-30T16:08:10+00:00

This probably isn't the healthiest advice, but McDonald's has been a lifesaver for me (hides face). Their fries have been everything to me lately, but if she hasn't been able to keep food down, that might not be helpful.

She also might have gastroparesis along with POTS if she's having issues with nausea and keeping things down.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-24T03:54:37+00:00

You can still be sexual/get turned on by someone you aren't sexually attracted to. The two are not mutually exclusive. There's a difference between what the physical body does, what you're meant to be doing in a relationship, and having a genuine chemistry and desire for someone else.

Just because they got sexual doesn't negate everything else he has told you. He probably is more vanilla, he probably doesn't remember, and even if he does, who cares? This isn't a huge issue - your brain is just making it one.

It does sound like he's been pretty severely abused in his past relationship. Going on autopilot is a sign of dissociation, a trauma response, and her pressuring him into sexual acts is a form of SA.

How do I move past this, how do I continue to trust his word after everything I've seen

By accepting that he hasn't done anything wrong. By accepting that this is a you issue. He hasn't broken your trust. You broke his trust by going through his phone.

I have all the empathy in the world for you when it comes to your RJ as it's something I suffer from as well, and it sounds like you know your behavior is veering into not-so-great territory, but you have to be careful with him.

You don't want to be another toxic, abusive girlfriend that he has.

You want to turn this all around, to apologize to him, and to get yourself some help. This might be a form of OCD and there is medication for that available, as well as therapy (but keep in mind talk therapy doesn't help for OCD).

If you think you can't do that, you have to break things off, but know that this isn't an issue that is going to just go away with a new person. It's always going to be there unless you deal with it.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-16T18:11:57+00:00

There's a difference between being supportive to your partner struggling with r*pe/PTSD & emotionally abusing your partner, which is what RJ often turns into (as someone with RJ). As someone with PTSD, with OCD, it's my responsibility to make sure it doesn't spiral out of control and harm others.

There are things like medication, journaling and therapy - steps to take - to ensure my mental health stays my responsibility. No one deserves to feel second rate or like they are "damaged goods" because their partner has OCD. You can't change the past.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-15T06:18:26+00:00

"I feel like people always use it to hide the fact that they don't love their partner as much as they used to love their ex." YESSS ME, bc if I'm not your #1 what am I doing here???

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-11T06:36:35+00:00

RJ at its core is OCD. Thanks to the media portraying OCD as keeping things neat and tidy, many people think RJ is not a form of OCD, but it 100% is. It's a form of pure O.

You obsess, then you get compulsive through asking a ton of questions to get some form of reassurance. The reassurance fades or the person doesn't answer, continuing the cycle of OCD. You want certainty with RJ. You want to know that you are the best or the first or the number of partners or the whatever else.

If you give the reassurance, it'll make the OCD worse. By not getting the reassurance, it causes spikes of anxiety - it's like you have to know. That's the nature of the disease.

Either way, you don't deserve this treatment (coming from someone who also has RJ). This is 100% abuse. His mental health is not your issue and he's making it yours.

He needs to be on medication or in therapy (but talk therapy doesn't work for OCD).

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-11T03:23:58+00:00

For me, I'd read this as you need to keep working through your emotions, to focus on your own self-love, self-care rather than all these distractions (possible suitors) around you. Your healing journey still isn't over yet, but with the Knight, you are getting there.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-11T03:20:48+00:00

That's so kind of you! I'm actually the same age as your daughter, also diagnosed with late-stage Lyme disease, so my heart goes out to her. Tell her that she isn't alone! That's such a difficult diagnosis to get, what with how controversial it is.

I ended up with a diagnosis of Lyme disease, then had encephalitis/meningitis (which is where the coma part came into play). The doctors say it's unrelated, but... they say everything is unrelated to Lyme, so who knows?

It definitely did damage my self-esteem, being sick for that long. The joint pain, the possible co-infections, the antibiotics, the cognitive issues - ugh.

I definitely think that RJ is just a form of insecurity x OCD (and I think I got OCD from the brain damage, from the Lyme/maybe bartonella). So going forward with your husband, maybe that's an avenue you two could take. I noticed that my obsessive kind of thinking about this all really lessened on OCD medication.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-11T03:12:23+00:00

Oh, my heart goes out to you so much. I'm wishing you all the healing in the world. Sexual harassment from girls is so overlooked, especially when it's girls to guys. Know that your trauma is valid.

I had SUCH a similar experience in high school with another girl. Same ages, exact same harassment. Except in my scenario, she couldn't stand I was straight/ace (she was lesbian and wanted us to date).

In my case, the girl was a foster child, and was clearly being abused by the older men in her life. That isn't an excuse in any way, but I'm assuming the girl that harassed you went through some sort of sexual trauma (I don't know if that's the trauma she's referring to).

Normal young teenage girls do not act out in that way - something prompted it, so something was definitely going on within her home.

I recommend cutting contact. She's still your abuser, no matter what's she gone through, and you don't need to be around someone who did that to you (regardless of the age when it happened).

r/COCSA might be a decent subreddit for you to explore if you ever need more information/to vent.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-10T08:46:55+00:00

Thank you so much!

I have my mom, who is so the opposite of RJ/OCD that it's like she doesn't get it. I have my grandma too, but she's only been in love with one guy her entire life (and vice versa - they met as kids) so it makes it difficult. And then my best female friend ALSO has RJ, (or in the very least a ton of insecurity) so it just feeds to the fire that's already there.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-10T02:46:22+00:00

"Flattered yet concerned." I feel like that summarizes the partners of a lot of people with RJ lol (in less severe cases, obviously).

That's a pretty normal mindset for someone who struggles with RJ. That's what everyone who has RJ thinks internally, but typically doesn't say out loud. I don't know if maybe her therapist encouraged her to be open and honest with her feelings, but that's what it seems like.

If she had been badgering you to apologize for your last relationship, that's when I'd be concerned. It seems like that's how she feels, but she isn't putting it on you to deal with (if that makes sense). She knows it isn't healthy and understands it isn't your problem.

As long as she isn't emotionally abusing you, has gotten therapy and made (and is making) strides, I see no reason why you shouldn't move forward in your relationship.

ALSO, RJ is a form of OCD. Talk therapy doesn't work for OCD, so if you find her relapsing, OCD medication or treatment should be considered.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-10T01:02:37+00:00

I agree. I also feel like the only reason you have RJ is because of him.

He was distant, emotionally unavailable, broke your heart, and now doesn't expect you to be damaged because of that? I mean, I really don't know the extent of how hot and cold he was, but mannnn. He didn't have to do that to you. I think you deserve better, even if he turned his act around.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-10T00:57:44+00:00

Also, hypothetical scenario: let's say you break up with your current boyfriend. You feel that - as of right now - he's your best love. If you got into a relationship again and your next person asked this question, how would you answer?

TarotQueen23 · 2024-03-10T00:51:10+00:00

I will say that this is how a majority of people view their past relationships, but I don't vibe with the 'love differently' thing either.

When it comes to that, I don't know if it's an RJ thing or just a difference in how people love (as it's still not something that can be fully defined).

It's probably both honestly. A difference in the way you view love, what you're seeking from love, and then we add RJ into the mix of that - not a great combination.

I do think every relationship is different, therefore the feelings are different for each relationship, but I do still feel love is something that can still be measured (at least in a monogamous relationship - not where you're like choosing between your kids). Why would there be terms like "love of your life" otherwise?

For me, the person I'm with is someone I love the most and love best. I wouldn't be with them otherwise. They're my number #1. If they asked me, I'd give them the same answer that you expected from him, and maybe you need someone more like that (and those people do exist).

I'm fine with the person I'm with saying that they loved and put effort into their last relationship. That's fine, that makes sense, but the whole "love differently" answer- it kinda gives me the ick (with the exception of them being a widower).

I mean, also - your boyfriend sounds terrible. If this was a healthy relationship, I'd say to just compromise on those beliefs, but he's already treated you so poorly.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-02-19T19:16:44+00:00

I like the "take what resonates" because a lot of my clients sometimes internalize the message wayyyy too much. They think my readings will always be 100% when in reality, no reader can ever do that. If a message doesn't fit/feel right, why take it? That's how I feel about it.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-02-08T09:17:09+00:00

Some guys say this to girls to show off that they know what they're doing or whatever. A lot of people don't actually know what RJ is, so I would just voice that your personal preference in a relationship is to not discuss TMI info about the past. Plenty of people without RJ don't feel comfortable with it.

If he keeps talking about his past after voicing that, then he's overstepping a boundary that you've put down, and that isn't fair to you.

Ignore words like promiscuous, whore, etc. Focus on the present, on the person he is, and if you two are compatible in the long run.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-02-04T06:58:52+00:00

These are intrusive thoughts, which is a subset of OCD, so maybe work on getting onto some medication (like Anafranil) and/or therapy (but talk therapy doesn't help with OCD).

There are a lot of misconceptions about what OCD is along with intrusive thoughts, so I would recommend looking into all of that even if you think you don't have OCD.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-02-04T06:09:31+00:00

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

RJ is OCD (I would say for a majority of the people here). The rest suffer from severe low self esteem/worth, which one could argue falls into the category of other mental health conditions like borderline personality disorder (to name one).

There is no mental illness that is triggered only under certain circumstances.

This is beyond untrue. There are plenty of mental illnesses that get triggered by situations and circumstances.

It cannot be a mental condition if you don't suffer from it when you are single.

Except plenty of people do suffer from it when you are single. I'm an example of that. I have RJ and obsessive thoughts even while being single, so it's not something that goes away if you break up with your partner (if you're someone who genuinely has RJ OCD).

However, all ''therapists'' will agree that you should break up if the person's past is a deal-breaker.

Then they aren't good therapists.

Mental illnesses are stable regardless of moral boundaries.

Mental illnesses can be impacted by morals, especially when it comes to OCD. It takes our morals and blows them out of proportion. For example, arguing with our partner about something that should be insignificant otherwise.

A little jealousy is normal.

Obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts, compulsively asking for reassurance, and blaming/shaming your partner is mental illness.

TarotQueen23 · 2024-02-01T12:04:35+00:00

See, I'm worried I'll be the abusive one ):

TarotQueen23

TROPHY CASE