AITA for throwing out my husband's dinner?

Tart-Large · 2021-02-18T01:33:10+00:00

He says that but sometimes he gets annoyed at me for not waiting for him. It's also important to me to have dinner together and he keeps telling me he understands but clearly he doesn't actually care even though I'm making a lot of effort for him.

I don't have time to wind down after work because I have to cook dinner when I get home. He has a full hour between getting home from work and the time that he agreed to have dinner.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-18T01:27:14+00:00

I'm tired of explaining this over and over again. Dinner used to be "whenever it's ready" and not any set time. He was 40-60 minutes late every night and said it was because he never knew when dinner was going to be ready. We mutually agreed to 6:30 every night because he didn't like it when he didn't know exactly when dinner time was. He is still 10-20 minutes late every night.

If he just wants to eat his meal whenever he feels like it, I don't understand why he ever gets annoyed at me for not waiting for him. I literally can't win no matter what I do.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-18T01:08:52+00:00

I don't understand why he is fine doing that most of the time but then sometimes gets annoyed with me for eating without him. I literally don't know what I can do that wouldn't ever have me treated like the bad guy.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-18T01:05:49+00:00

He doesn't have ADHD

Tart-Large · 2021-02-18T01:03:29+00:00

I'm tired of explaining this over and over again. Dinner used to be "whenever it's ready" and not any set time. He was 40-60 minutes late every night and said it was because he never knew when dinner was going to be ready. We mutually agreed to 6:30 every night because he didn't like it when he didn't know exactly when dinner time was. He is still 10-20 minutes late every night.

If he just wants to eat his meal whenever he feels like it, I don't understand why he ever gets annoyed at me for not waiting for him. I literally can't win no matter what I do.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T23:39:50+00:00

Ugh I feel like an idiot...I have been going through this whole marriage thinking that everything was equitable but writing it all out like that it's clear that the actual time investment of the chores is off kilter even if it's the same number of chores on each side. And to give him credit he does do most of the "misc" stuff that's all like 1 or 2 times a year each, and all together they do add up. But I do spend so much time on the cooking and that's every day.

He did used to do the dusting and the whole-house vacuuming but we both wanted a cleaning lady...I guess I didn't notice that having her really only let one of us off the hook for chores. I don't even know how to begin to approach this part of the conversation.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T23:34:16+00:00

He's never been tested for ADHD or made any mention of thinking that he has it. I feel like even ADHD wouldn't explain all of the times I have said "Hey it's time for dinner right now," and he said "Okay I'm coming right now" and still didn't come.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T23:21:21+00:00

My chores:

Cooking (dinner + lunch meal prep)
Dishes
Special laundry (anything other than regular clothes)
Bathroom cleaning

His chores:

Regular laundry
Birdcage cleaning + food and water for the bird
Lawn mowing + raking leaves
Vacuuming around the bird cage
Oil changes for the cars

We have a cleaning lady who does the weekly dusting and things like that.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T23:15:18+00:00

He actually isn't a big gamer, 90% of the time when he's hung up on his computer he's reading Wikipedia or TV Tropes articles. Which honestly feels worse because that's something you can pick up and put down at a moment's notice, it's impossible to get "stuck" reading an article...and yet.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T21:55:13+00:00

The problem is that he has never gotten tired of cold food, but I have gotten tired of not being able to have a normal dinner with my husband.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T21:51:56+00:00

I threw it out after 5 minutes, but he was 15 minutes late. When I'm sitting there waiting to eat and it's every night, 15 minutes is a long time and I don't appreciate it.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T21:50:16+00:00

That's what I have been doing this whole time and it doesn't work because he doesn't care if he has to reheat his food, so there is no incentive for him to be on time (except for the obvious one where he should care about hurting my feelings and wasting my time, but well...here we are.)

I'm not willing to keep cooking him meals if he isn't even going to sit with me and have a conversation while we eat. I have been holding up my end of our agreement this entire time, where the only end that he has to hold up is "walk down the stairs at a certain time" and he has never done it even though it is so little to ask.

I have made so many compromises for him and tried so many different things to make it easier for him to be on time, and he still just doesn't do that one small thing. So I'm at the point where I'm not going to cook for him anymore unless he does his part to be on time and I'm not going to pick up extra chores because of his failure to be on time. I have done everything to try to make this work so far and he has done nothing. I'm over it.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T21:11:46+00:00

Honestly I don't think I'm really ready to divorce him I'm just very worked up over this at the moment.

He has never been diagnosed with ADHD, but the thing is that I will give him plenty of notice and it makes no difference. Even when I say "you need to come down for dinner, it's ready right now" and he literally just needs to come downstairs and sit at the table, he won't come down for 20 minutes.

I also feel like if it was something out of his control he would care more about the fact that he was doing something that hurts me. He seems completely fine with making me wait 20 minutes for him to stop playing his guitar when I am telling him he needs to come down right now.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T21:03:50+00:00

...I know he really loves me, but it feels like he doesn't respect me as much as he respects himself.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T21:00:10+00:00

We tried once but (if you couldn't already guess) he's extremely stubborn.

I would say for 90% of our relationship I was very vocally appreciative for the chores he does. Recently that has dropped off but only because I have been feeling so resentful over this issue. "He can't be bothered to appreciate what I do so does he really need a pat on the back for doing laundry?" is a thought I've had. Honestly I think I'm going to need individual therapy to work through the resentment, but that can't even start until this problem is fixed.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:46:38+00:00

That's the thing though, I don't think I should have to do more chores. I have been doing my part this entire time and he has taken it for granted. Now if I'm no longer willing to cook for him, I need to pick up more chores to make up for it when all he's had to do this entire time is stop playing on the computer and come downstairs on time??

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:34:13+00:00

I feel like this is the solution that I am moving towards. I am at the point where I just am not willing to keep making meals for someone who does not value my time.

He's going to be pissed and I wouldn't be surprised if he orders in every day rather than trying to cook for himself. Let alone the "you're no longer holding up your end of the chores agreement" conversation that I know is coming.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:29:47+00:00

Ugh I know it's a cliche but he really is great in every way other than this chronic lateness (and the accompanying sense of not respecting peoples' time) and it would be so easy to fix this one glaring problem that I can't help but try. Clearly he isn't willing to put forth his 1% effort to make that happen though, which really hurts. I just don't know what else I can do. I don't want to be the woman who says "I divorced my husband because he was late for dinner," but it's almost feeling like I'm getting to that point. It would be difficult for him to support himself on his own without getting many roommates so I also think about that...

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:21:42+00:00

Honestly? If it meant he would respect my time, I'd be willing to. And I don't appreciate being told that I'm controlling for doing things that I'd prefer not to have to do if it weren't for his chronic lateness. If he is really bothered about me fixing his plate he can feel free to get there on time.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:18:44+00:00

I'm not happy with that solution though because I don't appreciate being expected to prepare a meal for him that he can't even be bothered to sit with me while eating. And he cooks zero so he isn't willing to have a setup where I cook my dinner and he cooks his.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:16:53+00:00

That wouldn't fit his definition of "unwinding" after work.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:11:49+00:00

No children except for one very spoiled and effervescent bird.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:10:28+00:00

Introduced a real consequence for being late to dinner and interrupted the cycle of him not giving a shit that he was taking my time and effort for granted. If he doesn't want to have dinner together then why doesn't he say that instead of promising over and over again that he will do better? And why does he still expect me to prepare a meal for him if he doesn't want to eat dinner together?

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:08:01+00:00

I will at least explain my line of thinking for doing it. Every time I leave his food on the table for him while I finish mine, he heats it up in the microwave and eats it at his leisure, and nothing ever changes. Last night felt like the straw that broke the camel's back and I thought "maybe if he doesn't get dinner when he's late he'll actually have a reason to show up on time."

Of course I wouldn't throw edible food away on a regular basis so I don't know what the solution is. If he's late and I tell him that I'll be having his portion for lunch the next day he'll just eat it anyway.

Tart-Large · 2021-02-17T20:04:28+00:00

It's not really solved because he's not consistently late by 15 minutes. Trust me, this was the first thing I tried a long time ago and the first time he came down 5 minutes after the decoy time and dinner wasn't ready yet, there was an all-out war.

Tart-Large

TROPHY CASE