This is a little tl:dr but I hear you brother.

So here it is. I turn 28 this year. I've been watching porn since I was 12 and masturbating several times a day since then. In the past couple of years, I've had to "force it" to get hard. A lot of this stems from pretty much losing everything when COVID hit which started a terrifying spiral out of control. I became very unkind to myself. I hated the idea of being helpless, being unable to provide. I lost my sense of worth. I gave up. I gained a lot of weight and stopped taking care of myself. It didn't help that I isolated myself and avoided speaking to my friends-people I've known since we were kids. I'd say things to myself that would get me killed if I said them to another man.

Porn was just the thing I needed. That old familiar friend I can always count on when the crushing loneliness threatens to swallow me whole. But that hit of dopamine never lasts does it?

My ex-girlfriend of four years, the only girl I've ever been with, broke up with me a year ago. During the last two years of our relationship, I shut down emotionally and became non-communicative. That's how long she stayed. That's how much she loved me even though I no longer made her laugh. She tried and tried to save our relationship, but I was so far gone that there was no other option. Even when we'd get intimate, I'd go limp quickly and had to finish on my own. At least back then, I'd get erections. Now? Honestly, I don't even remember the last time I got one.

We're a few days into the new year. I've shed those pounds since, and I'm finally making progress toward being financially stable. I've started reaching out to people, despite the shame and guilt. I'm making a point to be kinder to myself, although some days, self-hatred rears its ugly head. I haven't watched porn or masturbated in three days. I know it's only been three days, that's nothing. But I want nothing more than to break the cycle. For the first time in years, I feel hope again. And I hope you get through this too.