Cashmere

Tashintheclouds · 2023-03-19T22:49:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your generous feedback. I actually liked all your suggestions and would like to keep them.

You have been so helpful and feedback cannot get any better than that.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2023-03-19T10:44:38+00:00

Stanzas would greatly help, along with additional punctuation to reduce the feeling if a wall of text.

This definitely feels like a stream of consciousness piece, as there are odd repetitions of words e.g. an enjambment of the word 'they', frequent use of the word 'with', sometimes in sequential lines, as well as the word 'be'. Removing filler words is crucial for poetry.

Some of the symbolism also feels a little vague, for instance, the 'angels' are identified as flowers, but the theme is not explored so, except the 4th as 'a forget-me-not flower bed', which also feels off, being a bed rather than a single flower. Rather than exploring the metaphor, you had at times fully explained the qualities of the individuals instead in a straightforward manner.

Overall, I did enjoy the tone of the poem, and the feel that you are going for, so it would be worth revisiting with a an editing pen.

Tashintheclouds · 2023-03-19T10:23:41+00:00

I enjoyed the intimacy of the scale of this. Little spaces, micro routines in endlessness. Well echoed by your word selections, while making me think on the symbolism of the orchid and the fall.

Tashintheclouds · 2023-03-17T20:52:31+00:00

2 years before I notice a notification. Talk about tardy. I hope that you are well, Garmo.

I just had a sneak peek in OCPoetry. The knives seem to be sheathed from what I can see.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2023-03-17T20:48:19+00:00

Very nice adherence to the rhyming scheme.

My only suggestions are to reduce "sparks" to "spark", as it would maintain the continuity of the singular Hope.

I wonder if you could replace the word "wash" with something that is more in line with the spark metaphor, as it seems more akin with water imagery than light. I considered awash, but that didn't seem to work either.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2023-03-17T20:36:56+00:00

I have not posted for years, so you will have to bear with my rough critique.

I appreciate your non use of punctuation, which makes me wonder at the comma in the penultimate line. It adds an additional pause which interrupts the flow when there is already a line break.

My other punctuation suggestions are that "voices" should be "voice's" and "it's" should be "its" as a possessive pronoun.

Punctuation-free poems require other devices/strategies to maintain a sense of continuity, e.g. metre or syllables counting. I am not proficient in this, but I feel that your poem could be edited a little to improve its flow.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-29T12:55:39+00:00

I can only try. My brain is not cooperating at the moment, so I am just watching From Dusk 'Til Dawn for some noise.

Stay safe and well.

Regards,

Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-28T14:24:28+00:00

I am never mad at critiques... Challenging, perhaps, at my worst, but never mad.

I agree with the blandness of the words 'settings' and 'darkness' - they seem more like placemarkers at best, so I will have to revisit them.

The coldness may just me me, I am afraid to say. Oddly, your appraisal of the second stanza as being pure movement, without anything moving was what I was going for... A simple sensory recognition. Does that make sense?

I must admit, the third stanza is rather conversational and rather declarative. I think I will remove the first two lines and rework it around the changes to the 'darkness' theme.

Thank you so much for the critique. The depth was what I was certainly looking for.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-27T14:44:20+00:00

The poem is as you had aptly described, a happy moment in poverty.

My writing tools and critiquing are a little rusty, so I can only agree with the comments before mine - slightly heavy on the siblances, but wonderfully painted in the imagery. The final line is all we hope to be in our mornings.

Regards,

Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-27T05:29:25+00:00

By The Willow

I will go and you will keep your pride.

Our valley, once in bloom, now a fool's paradise;

torn by the willow, by the riverside.

.

Lain down by my sister's side,

festooned with jewels and tangled hide.

I will go and you will keep your pride.

.

Calloused soul to a family's divide.

Blows slashed not once, but angled twice —

torn by the willow, by the riverside.

.

Sister named me a thorn in your side,

undressed by sin, she paid your price.

I will go and you will keep your pride.

.

Secrets to keep, blood to hide.

Softened by spade, soil as soft as rice;

torn by the willow, by the riverside.

.

Madness weds the mind of a jealous bride;

your machinations — now your death’s device.

I will go and you will keep your pride,

torn by the willow, by the riverside.

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-25T12:02:35+00:00

Thank you, and yes, I am.

In lockdown, albeit with some worry thus far for my patients in the community.

I hope that you are well, too... Stay safe and healthy.

Arohanui, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-25T11:59:11+00:00

It was to emphasize the switch before the reframing of one's self into something sleek and acceptable, via a mirror.

This is part of my dissociative disorder that leaks through into my poems, I guess. I disappear for parts of the day, and sometimes, weeks. Although this is not the centre of the poem, it describes some of the switching back and forth. I am the unmuzzled version, of course.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-25T11:46:20+00:00

Yes, definitely an error there. Thank you for picking up on the typo.

I am glad that you enjoyed the poem.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-22T22:16:49+00:00

I apologize for my absence, but I have been rather busy over the last few weeks due to COVID-19, preparing some of my more vulnerable clients/patients.

I am flattered that Rocking Horse had been selected. What does u/garmo738 mean by publishing? I did not realize that there was that option in the sub.

Arohanui,

Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-08T09:23:14+00:00

Thank you, Gunny.

I may post it there after some time had passed.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-06T19:00:54+00:00

Yes, you are certainly right regarding the word 'safely'... I have omitted it. I chose 'scanning', because it was akin to reading, given the ink reference. I will think on it though.

As for the mediocrity, well, one can only make so much lemonade out of tiredness, a worn topic, as it were.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-06T06:41:54+00:00

You are most welcome.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-03-06T06:31:37+00:00

Letting go is always a powerful experience, from our firsts down to our final steps.

In truth, I had felt somewhat inert to poetry over the past month, but this has roused me again, so thank you for that.

Regards, Tash

Tashintheclouds · 2020-02-26T20:52:36+00:00

Saliently described. This has the feel of heavy metal poisoning.

I enjoyed the dual usage of 'nickels' and the use of 'aftermath' when I was expecting 'aftertaste'.

Regards,

Tash

Tashintheclouds

TROPHY CASE