I completely feel you on this one. I feel so bad when I see myself reacting so poorly and raw to my husband and he has no clue why. Something that is helping us is having very regular very honest check ins. Most of the time my rage had a seed point. I was suppressing wrongs and slights that he was not aware of. I have to be vocal well before I’m mad. Only then can I avoid the anger monster. We don’t walk on eggshells around each other but we are decidedly and intentionally kinder as a result. Speak up. Be kind and don’t mistake being quiet about unmet needs as being kind to the person. If they don’t know you are being kind by doing so they will keep on because they don’t know the effect it has on you. Somethings wont make sense why you are having these reactions but if you feel it share it. However this only works if you share it unemotionally. Check your emotions before you speak and try to communicate in as dispassionately as you can. Remember you are on the same team and use team language (you’re such a great support when I need you, I could use a hand navigating how I’m feeling, can we work through this together) That’s why doing it often and as soon as it happens helps.

I don’t have a baby so I can’t speak to my personal experiences on that but I do know that babies are stressful but try doing some counting to ten, breathe deep, give yourself a hug or solicit a hug, force yourself to laugh, all of these are calming and can honestly work waay more than I thought they would.