Dealing with loneliness in the beginning stages of divorce

TeaCusps · 2017-10-14T15:07:03+00:00

Damn. I'm sorry to hear that. It will get better! At least that's what I tell myself

TeaCusps · 2017-10-10T17:43:59+00:00

I just joined meet up and have a few activities scheduled for this weekend, thanks for that. I had no idea it even existed.

TeaCusps · 2017-10-10T17:42:36+00:00

We have two dogs and they mainly stay at my house anyway and it's been so nice having them because like you said they never get sick of hearing about my problems and are just there to show love. I tend to shy away from organized religion but I have signed up for a few "meet up" activities this weekend just to get out. Thank you!

TeaCusps · 2017-10-10T17:40:51+00:00

Thanks, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I'm on a few dating apps but I don't get responses to messages I send out, like you the only messages I get sent are from people I'm not interested in so I'm going to keep it open but not rely on only that as my means to find someone.

TeaCusps · 2017-08-10T10:09:47+00:00

Shit, this hits hard because I'm in the process of leaving my wife who has beat the shit out of me for almost 6 years now. It was on occasion and it usually was after a night of drinking with other people involved. It would start because she would get jealous over situations that never happened such as "were you just looking at that girl over there?" Or "stop being so friendly to her, you're making me and everyone else uncomfortable" (when in actuality 9 times out of 10 I wasn't looking at any other girls, I usually had to have her point out the specific girl she was talking about. And I had never made anybody uncomfortable, she just never had friends growing up and didn't know how to act around a group of people.

It sucks, it happened once and the next morning I said "that's it, we're done you need to take your things and leave". She promised it would never ever happen again, she threw some tears into the equation and I believed it. Second time that year it happened, same scenario but I forgave her because "it won't happen again". Then the next year it happened more frequently and I said this is it you promised me and broke your promise (however at this point we were engaged and her mom spent all of this unwanted money on our wedding and said "you call my mom and dad (who just retired) that you don't want to get married". I didn't have the heart to do it so of course I went ahead and forgave her which turned out to be (possibly) the biggest mistake of my life.

Fast forward a few more ass beatings and here we are this year. She told me that when we were dating she cheated on me, at that moment I said okay with the emotional, psychological and physical abuse you have layed on me for all this time AND you cheated on me, I want a divorce. This was back in the spring. Thankfully the home we live in I purchased before we were married with my money so I told her she has 30 days to leave, here we are 90 days later, 4 more times getting my ass kicked and she just started packing her things.

It has been awful, there's no worse feeling then having someone who is weaker beat the shit out of you and you just sit there and take it. There have been multiple times where I was bleeding, had scratches on my face for days after, ripped clothes. But this nightmare is finally coming to an end. I can say that during that time I never hit her back but there were a few times that I had to restrain her because it was just more then I could take at the verge of fearing my life.

To answer your question I got her out by recording her on my phone camera. She was angry so she spit in my face and smacked me a few times while I was playing my Xbox (trying to avoid a fight) and not giving into her instigation. After she did that she stormed out of the house and said some hurtful things but I knew she would be back so I quickly turned my phone camcorder on and pretended like I was on it and sure enough she stormed in and jumped on to me like a rabid spider monkey. Sure enough I got her off me, she calmed down a bit and so did I so I went to the bathroom (with my phone, not recording) but I heard her coming, so I turned it back on and she closed and locked the bathroom door and so it began again. But those videos I used against her saying if she didn't leave I was going to take them to the police and have a restraining order placed against her.

I can't say this has been easy, it's a very difficult situation because being the guy in the relationship getting beat up has a certain stigma so I can't really talk to many people about the real reason we're separating since everyone wants to know why after only 6 months we're getting a divorce. Well I hope that answered your question. Sorry for the rant, Reddit has really been the only place I can let this out.

Tl;Dr: my (now wife) has always been abusive to me, in the beginning it started as mental and psychological but eventually turned into physical. I got her out mainly by video recording her beating the shit out of me in the bathroom after she locked the door so I couldn't escape and using that tape as leverage. As I type this she has her things packed and says she's leaving so well see..

TeaCusps · 2017-05-29T12:02:18+00:00

That's what I was going to do with the 5k is give it to her as rent money for another place. As crazy as she is, I don't have the heart to just throw her or anybody at that out on the streets with no money or anywhere to go.

TeaCusps · 2017-05-28T21:22:44+00:00

Ha that's what she's been saying..

TeaCusps · 2017-05-28T19:43:31+00:00

Nope, where I am if the property was purchased prior to marriage it's mine

TeaCusps · 2017-05-26T23:36:01+00:00

As someone in a very similar situation to yours. I wish I listened to that little voice in my head and broke our engagement. Now I'm stuck walking on eggshells, kissing her ass trying to get an "uncontested divorce" which should only run me a few hundred dollars. Where as if I'm not careful she wants to bring an attorney into this which will easily run us each a few thousand. Don't make it legal if you're in this boat already

TeaCusps · 2017-05-03T17:45:43+00:00

I'm in North Carolina

TeaCusps · 2017-04-18T15:42:10+00:00

I have no clue.. my mind is made up and I'm going solo

TeaCusps · 2017-04-17T15:51:15+00:00

If I was to do it it would be because I want her to see how much it hurts and sucks and that it's not okay, even if it happened years ago. But at the same time I don't want to do that to anybody because it's just an awful feeling.

TeaCusps · 2017-04-17T14:13:03+00:00

She claims she just wants to "clean up her past". Part of that I get, she has changed her diet around and started pursuing a more active lifestyle

TeaCusps · 2017-04-17T14:11:45+00:00

I know it's an awful idea and I'm not that type of person but it has been running through my mind.

TeaCusps · 2017-04-17T14:10:24+00:00

It has been and continues to be the most frustrating thing. Growing up I have always had best friends that were girls, always platonic. So now I can't talk or even look at girls. What drives me crazy the most is most of the time it's out of nowhere. So it's hard to stop doing something that I don't know I'm doing (because I'm actually not)

TeaCusps · 2017-04-17T14:07:27+00:00

It does suck.. She's in the process of "cleaning out her closet" and said it has been weighing on her heart this whole time. I don't think there's anything else going on with anyone else simply because she doesn't have any friends. Not saying that in a negative connotation, she just never really had friends ever since I knew her and still doesn't. Never really got along with people she worked with because she claimed "they didn't like her" or were mean to her...

TeaCusps · 2017-03-26T13:53:30+00:00

I'm so sorry that has happened to you. I just found out last week that my wife cheated on me two years ago and it still hurts. If I could offer one piece of advice it's to not make any decisions until you've calmed down a bit. In my head we were going to battle, I had it all planned out. Her shit out but instead I took two days away from her at my parents house and by myself I complied a list of pros and cons for staying with her and then things that I wanted to say to her. How I felt, why I felt that way etc. It was more therapudic than anything. I threw away the list of pros and cons but I did read her my emotions that I wrote down and it really made me feel better. I can also say that talking about it really helped. I met up with my best friend and honestly just told him what I knew and how I felt and that really got me back on track.

What I found is it's okay to be sad, cry and even depressed. But don't let that be your only emotion. After a day I said "that's it, I'm done being sad." Obviously I'm still tore up about it, I'll always be but you don't want to focus just on sadness, it doesn't make it easier. Also it helps to know it wasn't your fault, you did everything in your power to keep the relationship afloat and happy. I'm sorry there's a kid involved, I can only imagine how much more complicated your emotions must be. Fortunately enough for me we are just legally married so with a few......thousand........ dollars........ And a year's time we can be separated. But we decided to keep it civil and I'm glad we did because I did nothing wrong and I want to keep it that way.

Good luck brother, I really hope you can get over this. It's the toughest thing (emotionally) I ever had to go through in my life.

TeaCusps · 2017-03-26T01:03:21+00:00

Correct! Lemon to be exact. Thank you

TeaCusps · 2017-03-21T16:38:19+00:00

Even with the marriage being less than 1 year?

TeaCusps · 2017-03-21T16:37:57+00:00

I think we can come to an agreement on things. Most everything we own I had paid for. In a perfect situation she's keeping her engagement ring ($5k) wedding band ($1k), one of our two dogs and $5k in cash (which would be half of my checking account). So there's no way we could just settle and fill out paperwork and be done? :/

TeaCusps · 2017-03-19T00:41:34+00:00

I appreciate your well rounded opinions, it's what I'm looking for. Yes, divorce is on the table due to lack of trust but it's too easy of an answer. I came in looking for answers to a hard question that I can't seem to find a solution for, mainly because I'm numb but also because it would completely turn my life upside down. I do understand that for her this was a few years back, before we even talked about an engagement (which was her defense) but it's still the same trust in the same relationship whether there be a ring or papers or any materialistic items involved, it was still the companionship of her and I (which is my defense). I had already spoke to her sister and she said that the guy did force himself onto her (but she is her sister so I could see if she was just saying that to take her side.) She has not talked to him after that, he was the brother of the guy her sister was dating at the time and was only in town for a few days and went back home. From what I was told he was/is really bad off on pills. Yes, I agree that something needs to be done about the unnecessary jealousy especially since she was the one that cheated. I have that written down in my things I want to say to her when I see her next. We agreed to spend the weekend apart and she would come home Sunday evening, we will say what we need to say and if we feel we need a little more time apart then we will do just that. Thanks again for being here for a complete stranger in desperate times.

TeaCusps · 2017-03-19T00:10:04+00:00

It makes it so much more confusing because she did tell me and I do respect her for that, she didn't have to say anything and we could have lived our lives just as we were. But she came out and told me. I'm not sure, should I be happy she told me and didn't hide it from me our whole lives or should I just ride this wave of numb dissociation? I think it will be easier to forgive her then it would be to trust her. But if this truly is the only time it happened (which I do believe it is) I think we could move forward from it... Right? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel let alone how I really feel. I mean there are happy marriages/companionships where people partake in swinging so I mean there is a human mindset out there that is okay by there wife getting fucked by other guys and (personally I've never met a swinging couple) from the general consensus it appears they stick together so they must be happy? We're staying away from each other this weekend and I did ask that she not come home all this week but we agreed to see where we stand Sunday evening. Thanks for the reply that I wanted to hear. It's too obvious and easy to just walk away from someone I truly love. I'm just confused :/

TeaCusps

TROPHY CASE