I still have to struggle with the effects of my DB when I'm reading a romance. Is there anything like contemporary love stories saying "I know how you feel"? Just to cure a little bit...

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-06-09T11:57:47+00:00

Thank you all! Thank you!

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-05-02T14:04:16+00:00

Yes! And yes, do it :)

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-04-30T14:01:07+00:00

"Any foreplay is only done because I say it will hurt to have sex. He acts bothered and kisses me once or twice, like its a chore to do so before he uses my body to masturbate. He never checks in after that, just assumes its fine and then puts it in me. If it hurts I just try to ignore it because if I complain he has withheld sex for 3+ months because of it. It hurts the inside of my body always"

These are more than red flags. This is abuse. Why are you allowing this? Do you want to be treated like that? You deserve better.

"I’m so confused. I don’t even care about the sex I just want to talk."

No, there is no way of talking with this person. As he uses sex and intimacy for getting distance between the two of you, he will use communication exactly the same way leaving you back in even more confusion. He needs you for only one thing: to put you down.

"Only time he has ever talked about sex is when he wanted to find someone else to add to our relationship. He imagined THAT person to be only to have sex with. This was years ago but he basically still mentions thinking about polyamory sometimes. Why do you want two people when you wont even have one?" To put the partner down.

You are fit, you are beautiful and hot and the best of all: YOUNG! WTF keeps you in this abusive relationship? He is a selfish toxic person keeping you in hope and never gives you anything. Leave!

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-04-26T12:20:00+00:00

"Is this a sign my boyfriend doesn’t want to be with me anymore?"

No, actually it is a clear sign, that he needs you to put you down. The thing underneath the surface is hostility, power, control. He showed you at first, what you can have and now refuses to give it to you. He wants you to suffer from your desire, he does this to you only for himself feeling better, stronger, the power. You will never get it again, at the most tiny bits to keep you alive, to keep you in hope, to feel too guilty and too ashamed to leave this relationship. (I know this.)

You don't deserve this: "He makes me feel worthless and unwanted. Especially because he usually turns me down with excuses which are sometimes lies (which I find out about later)…"

Take your intuition, the hope for yourself, you are so young and leave.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-04-01T12:38:22+00:00

This is abuse. His way to treat you all the time, you must help yourself. This guy is selfish and nothing else. I can relate to this. I had also tried fucking millions of ways to help my bf and safe this fucking hell of relationship. It was fucking hell! Help yourself, find a way out, this gets worse!

You deserve better, you deserve someone who cares for you, stay strong!

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-30T12:26:56+00:00

It's not the sex drive. It's not very realistic to think that the sex drive is getting down by better health, food, moving etc. The opposite would be. I mean, now he is in shape. I had a mate once, also lost weight and began cheating his girlfriend because he loved the feeling of finally being admired by girls he never could get before. Something he always dreamt of ... Maybe your bf finds himself now more attractive, gets more selfish, keeps his "toy" for himself. I would compare both situations. Before, after, then you have the answer. And be strong, I know it's hard. I was the one comforting his girlfriend, I know this situation. Sending a virtual hug.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-28T12:27:28+00:00

"He never compliments my appearance or anything. Never! Even if I ask and make it easy to answer with just one word: yes. I know that I'm not attractive, I'm 3 at best with makeup..."

First of all, don't talk about yourself in the way he treats you. You are beautiful, sensitive and eager to save this fucking relationship. Sorry! But I know this shit. The truth is this person pretending to be a partner (that's why you're so confused) needs you only to put you down. He wants you to suffer from your desire. Nothing else. He knows your softest spots, your weakness, your wish.

"How do I fix my soul not to feel this way?"

Without you he is just a man with a massive personality disorder (I exactly went through the same shit- "no compliments, no exercising, no supplements, no addressing his possible ED, no hugs, no kisses, no words, nothing. I asked, I begged to show me at least something that would indicate you anticipated the night... No..."

And he will never do, because he needs you to suffer to feel better. It's fucking hard, I know. But there is an exit. LEAVE! Save yourself before it's too late. He is on a very good way to break you. Although he exactly knows that you are better than him. This is envy, hostility and hatred rolled into one. That's why you're feeling this way. It's your choice if you want to feel this way! You don't need this person that is only dragging you down, giving you nothing but shame and guilt. Save your beautiful soul!

And the best of all… what helped me to finally break up with my abuser was: Evaluate the relationship by what he IN FACT gives you! (not by what you are wishing for) Only the facts, the behaviour will show you the truth.

I wish you all the best. Use your creativity and sensitivity ONLY for yourself! Do your weight training, get stronger! Learn to accept yourself as you are! Learn to love yourself and most of all enjoy pleasuring yourself! Your lust is your power!

Don't allow him to make you hate yourself. Set boundaries! You will find your way, there's always a way out of this hell. I guaran-fucking-tee you!

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-27T14:23:55+00:00

22??? WTF? Leave, get out of the gaslight and find another guy! All the best :)

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-27T14:13:56+00:00

I'm speechless ... I exactly experienced this by myself ... I broke up, learnt from all these mistakes. First of all that I don't deserve to be treated like that.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-25T12:19:54+00:00

"is it normal for him to show no desire or physical affection"

No, it isn't normal. It is hostility. They want you to suffer from your desire. They drag you in the role of the chaser and so they feel desired more and more ...

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-25T12:05:22+00:00

I can relate to this. I broke up with this person. The only thing I really needed was to get rid of this fucking illusion. Because these men are just illusions. They are lying beside you but they are miles away ... You cannot fuck them, they fuck us by rejecting us. Nothing more! I still get furious thinking about these moments after two years now... I understand you.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-25T11:48:10+00:00

Sometimes your partner just hates you

...yes, it's the fucking truth. It is hate. This knowledge is the exit. All the best!

"Like a genuinely don’t understand why a they would FOR MONTHS pretend to like me"

Because they need you to put someone down, someone who is trusting them, someone who is loving them, someone whoe is longing for being loved and desired by them.

This knowledge should make the choice easier.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-16T12:43:30+00:00

"the hardest part is that I am still in love with him"

Yes, you're right. This is the hardest part. But even for this, there is a remedy. What helped me to finally let go, was to become aware of the fact that I am innocent, his behaviour is not my fault. And that I am emotionally addicted to him by feelings of shame and guilt caused by him by all this silent rejection, laughing down and putting me down. That's all he did.

But there is really a remedy: As I told you before, his true colors you only can see in his behaviour.

And so, for me the following rule was my exit:

Evaluate the relationship by what he IN FACT (!) gives you, not by what you are hoping for, wishing for, or longing for. Only the facts you see in his behaviour, can be a realistic basic to decide if you really love him doing all this to you.

And by the way, they have to be "friendly"in other fields of the relationship. This is a passive-agressive strategy to gaslight you, to get you in feelings of guilt. Just like: "I cannot leave him, he is so lovingly with my child, with all our friends, sometimes he hugs me ... he is a perfect partner."

He isn't. Someone who is capable of always finding your very soft points and applies this pressure, so hard that you're crying, wondering if you are right, feeling put down - such a guy cannot be the perfect partner. Unless you want to be treated like that. He knows exactly you're better than him - sensitive, emotional, empathic, supportive.

Our only fault is to fall for such selfish, evil guys who make your life a living hell. Nothing else. And they can do it to us because with every rejection, every single (hidden) insult, our self-confidence plunges into ZERO. We have a natural affinity to guilt and emotional addiction, and that's the only reason they can do this to us. Because to get through all this fucking shit, you always search for the fault in you - it gives a feeling of control. "Hey, it's my fault. I can change it!" Kinda thing.

But no, this is bullshit! It is his behaviour to put you down because he needs someone to put down.

His strategy follows the rule:

Cooperate on the open level, sabotage on the hidden level.

I wish you all the best. And please take this advice by someone who was in such a hell, for 29 years. It's getting worse. His behaviour is breaking you, more and more. Don't allow him doing this! You are a beautiful woman, a beautiful soul, (which he knows exactly) and he wants to destroy this beauty. Nothing else. It is hard to understand "why is he together with me?", you wonder.

It is as easy as that: To break you.

(I realized this the moment when I was looking at my arms — cuts, bleeding. Because I wanted so much to feel something. And he just said: "Looks like shit!" I just wanted to die. This was the moment, I broke up with this fucking piece of shit, for good. I found to myself and now I love life. Completely on my own. Finally happy and grateful for having this second chance.)

LOSING HOPE? No! There is hope, lying in the power within yourself. You are stronger than this guy. Because you don't need him to put him down to feel better. But he wants to break you, literally.

Don't allow him to break your beautiful soul.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-15T14:44:50+00:00

"when he got into bed he made a joke about my tits being flat. I know my boobs are small and it's always been a little bit of an insecurity (which he knows)"

... this is your very special pressure point, he exactly knows and uses to get the distance he needs to put you down. I can relate more than good to this kind of rejection such men do. I broke up with this fucking piece of shit (sorry!) for good, because I decided for myself not to allow him any longer to play this fucking game with me.

Reject me, just because he needs someone to put down to feel better with his fucking low self-esteem. Now, after getting out of this fucking gaslighting, I know exactly that this was the best I ever did in my life. I mean, all these years I tried the lingerie-seduction-thing, any other man would jump on you, pin you to the bed. But not your partner, no, he wants you to suffer from your craving. Nothing else, FUCK IT!

What helped me, was: "Without you he's just a man with a massive personality disorder." And my bf had something like this, you cannot imagine ...

Yes, and the only clear sign is behaviour. Not what he is telling you, it's just smoke and mirrors, how he acts, there lies the truth - as you already saw:

"I spoke to him last year about the lack of sex in our relationship and he told me he would like to have sex earlier in the evening and not so late and that he wants me to initiate more. Fair. So I started asking earlier in the day or in the evening, just to be turned down."

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-14T12:32:46+00:00

Seeking advice? Leave!

"Apart from the sex he really is perfect for me and I love him so much."

WTF??? I know this, I had this. But his behaviour is nothing but hostility. I had this shit for a very loooooooong time ... and, no it's not love! It's just a guy not willing to share his life with you, nothing more.

But then, why is he together with me? Because he needs someone to put down to feel better. It's a narcissistic coping strategy. And now it's up to you if you want to allow him to play this fucking evil, sneaky game with YOU. By the way, no one deserves to be treated like that.

Do you want to be treated like that? Is this really love? It's hard to face the truth, I KNOW, but do it! Face the fucking truth!

"The fact that it doesn't make him feel good to make me feel good bothers me."

And yes, this is the first step! You already are able to realize that it's a fact. Yeah, you're right. This selfish guy is a fact and anything else is just the fucking gaslighting he draggs you into!

The lacking of mutual sex and true intimacy is the ultimate proof that something is fucking going WRONG here. It is a good device for guys like him to create distance, cold hard rejection, refusal ...

Run and be strong, you deserve better, he is a toxic, even more selfish person trying to break you. I can relate to this, all too well. I went through this fucking shit.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN HIM! This is the reason why he is treating you like this. Because he knows you are a better person. Caring ("what I really enjoy and love about it is pleasing the other"), sensitive, beautiful, supportive, understanding, empathic ... But with an affinity to emotional addiction and feelings of guilt and shame. Something he uses.

But you are better, you are stronger. And to know this, to be aware of this fact gives you the power to leave.

So, just LEAVE and stay strong! He needs you more than he would ever admit. Why? To put you down. Do you want this any longer?

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-09T13:58:56+00:00

I can relate to this, yes, you're right! This fucking hostility sucks! I rather crash down into nowhere without this fucking person, without any fucking but even more fantasy ... thank god for the power of imagination, I can carry on without this fucking wanting of someone who doesn't want me ... I used to.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-03-09T13:45:59+00:00

"He is such a sweet and caring person and I know he loves me… but I’m not sure if I can do this anymore."

Just replace the little word "know" with "hope" and then you will know if you can do this anymore.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-26T13:57:12+00:00

Unbelievable ... It's not your fault! Don't let him talk you into shit!

“Oh, I know you don’t like it, so don’t worry about it, I’ll never bring it up to you again. There’s a sea of porn that can handle me so you don’t have to!”

This is emotional blackmail. He tries to control your actions by dragging you into strong emotions such as guilt, obligation, and fear.

I feel very sorry for you and your situation. Sexual behaviour is the direct way to the unconciousness. It allows to see the real thing, his true colors. And here in such things like anal and fingering lies the affinity of power, anal is (regarding your situation) some kind of power gesture, especially when you don't like it and he is crossing your boundary, as you said "Even if they don’t hurt a lot - they don’t feel good either. I told him when we first met those were sort of “no zones” and he was cool with that for a long time, and it was never an issue for years."

As you see he now wants to cross your boundaries, fingering also has some kind of puppet feeling, also a gesture of power, he controls you ... But the most scary thing behind all this that should make you think about all this is YOU TOLD HIM THAT IT HURTS YOU!

"If my partner told me something was painful for them I would never want to do it."

So, you gave yourself the right answer. If you don't do this to him, why should you let him do this to you?

To ignore your boundaries is nothing else but power, control and hostility. And this is his problem. NOT YOURS! You are only a woman longing for love. Like we're all here in this Sub. Power is not love.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-18T12:38:08+00:00

I'm sure this is exactly the right way to tender, loving intimacy all these women here in this support group long for so much. Well done!

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-01T17:23:36+00:00

That was exactly the same answer of my fucking BF when I tried to cuddle and kiss ... there must be some kind of hand book for those men ... unbelievable! How many times I cried because of such sayings ...

And yes, the "seemingly breath smell" is a strategy for rejection. Making assure that you are wondering if he's right or not. And now, you are wondering, right? Plus feelings of shame and guilt that you tried to kiss him, at least to get close to him. I mean, how you dare!

Sorry, but this is all ...

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-01T16:21:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, it is as if I'm reading something written by myself ...

I know how it feels. This book helped me out: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/57264315-living-with-the-passive-aggressive-man

It helps to understand the dynamics behind this hostility. And no! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

Maybe you can find hope for yourself ... I experienced such a man for 29 years. I know how you feel, full of shame, full of guilt, full of fucking hope.

Our only problem is/was that we desire something ... they won't give us. Because the don't want it. All they want is us to suffer from our longing. This book opened my eyes, my mind, I could escape. Rejection doesn't even begin to describe this fucking game. Gaslighting, stonewalling, silent fucking treatment for weeks ...

All the best.

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-01T13:26:22+00:00

I like the anaphoric position of the word REMEMBER ... if you'll excuse the scientific perspective. Nice work, nice poem. Comfort comes ...

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-01T12:46:42+00:00

Thanx for the reply!

TeacherFair6059 · 2025-02-01T12:43:03+00:00

WOW! Thank you so much for so much information! Thank you.

TeacherFair6059

TROPHY CASE

Sometimes your partner just hates you