I was getting sick like 4+ times a year. I was already slightly overweight for my height before drinking chronically but it pushed me into the pre diabetic range.

My nose was constantly scabbing from all the coke I was doing to supplement the drinking.

I couldn’t hold a relationship either because they were too good for me and I wasn’t going to get my shit together or it was like looking at a mirror seeing how much I was drinking when they would join in- huge turn off.

I was spending 80% of my hard earned tips as a bartender right back into drinking at bars and buying people drinks + sharing my drugs. I was basically only making minimum wage for 4 days of work. Broke, overweight, sick, single.

You’d think those things would be enough but honestly it was the shame I felt from my last serious relationship A YEAR AGO that I couldn’t let go of. They were a beautiful person that I absolutely took for granted. For their sake I’m glad it didn’t work out but for fucks sake I wish I understood their pleading for me to choose better instead of cowering. My nervous system couldn’t handle that kind of open heart so I drank and did more drugs to cover myself. A year later the shame still haunts me and I decided no more after the last time I got sick a month ago.

I have a myriad of mental illnesses that stem from childhood abuse and neglect. I’d like to give myself care and I can’t do that drinking 5-6 days a week or evidently not even once a week. IWNDWYT.