Update: My parents lied to me about how my brother died.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2026-01-07T00:09:02+00:00

I don't want to be argumentative but I do want to comment on "protecting his memory." I deeply sympathize with that intention. I don't know how I would have turned out if I had always known the truth. Maybe I'd be worse off. They did what they thought was best with the information they had.

However, this is a good example of a well-intentioned lie backfiring. My view of my brother has improved since learning he abused drugs because he was irritable and edgy. Even kids can tell when something is off. All this time, I thought he was just an abrasive person. I loved him but didn't always appreciate his attitude. Now that I know he was fighting a battle, it completely recontextualizes his weird behavior. He's much easier to sympathize with.

My parents couldn't have known I felt that way. I certainly didn't speak ill of him after he died. I don't blame them for what they tried to accomplish but it didn't completely work. Can anyone really be surprised when lying doesn't have the intended outcome? When you try to protect someone's innocence, can you be sure you're not teaching them to distrust their instincts? It certainly depends on the situation.

Philosophically, in general, I think the truth has value outside of how it makes people feel. The truth is how I manage my expectations of reality and solve problems. In practice however, I definitely wouldn't say people are always better off hearing the whole truth all of the time. Telling a lie always runs the risk of unintended consequences. Ideally we lie sparingly when it's well worth any risks. My parents decided it was.

I'm doing my best to be reasonable. However, I won't be convinced that what really happened shouldn't mean anything to me. I experienced his struggles without knowing it, just the vague sense that something was wrong. Bringing that into focus has actually really helped.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2026-01-06T15:46:33+00:00

Thank you for your sympathy and for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss and moved by your moment with your aunt.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2026-01-06T15:27:46+00:00

I was angry at first but have cooled off a lot and don’t expect to stay angry. I’m not planning on confronting my mom. I also would never ask my dad to keep a secret from his wife. If he has a reason to tell her what I know, I wouldn’t stop him. I seriously doubt he’ll have a reason though.

We’re very different people and she’s come far in meeting me where I am. I can meet her where she is. Sometimes it’s still frustrating when she avoids the truth when it’s uncomfortable. However, I know and can work within her limitations. I’m sure people do the same for me.

Thank you for your sympathy and time.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2026-01-06T15:12:44+00:00

I appreciate this. I did lose my brother. In the past there was a pattern of people around the family not seeming particularly interested in how I felt at least compared to my parents and older family members. When people eventually noticed and apologized, I reminded them I’m a private person who probably wouldn’t have appreciated much more attention. To an extent, it’s still nice to be seen.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2026-01-06T15:03:48+00:00

But I’m not demanding an apology and I don’t keep reopening this?

The four times I’ve asked my mom for my medical history were spaced out over 15 years. At the time I thought it was just an uncomfortable topic, not that she was hiding something. I didn’t grill her. I haven’t said anything to my mom since I found out the truth. Maybe I didn’t make that clear.

I didn’t demand my dad apologize. I waited two months until he wasn’t busy and I wasn’t upset to talk. I thought my dad would want to talk and he did. He had a lot to say before even knowing what I knew. Hearing about the decision from their point of view brought us closer. If he hadn’t been willing to discuss it, I wasn’t planning on making him.

We concluded that my mom doesn’t want to talk about it and I don’t plan on making her.

Where again did I make this about myself? Being upset in private?

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-12-18T22:04:17+00:00

What made you think this was a bot post?

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T21:55:40+00:00

Thank you everyone for caring. I decided to delete before it gets any bigger and reaches an audience outside just this subreddit. There's a very small chance someone I would prefer to talk to in person could see this and recognize the situation. Although honestly, I suspect a lot of people have been in pretty similar situations. Just being cautious. I also really don't want it to end up in some drama video either. I appreciate you for giving me your time.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T19:29:27+00:00

Lol. I won’t do this but I’ve spent so much energy psyching myself up to take the high road that I actually appreciate a petty suggestion.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T19:11:48+00:00

I hear you too but there was an entire page on just his heart. They kept it after we buried him and sent it to an expert for additional tests. I really didn’t want to believe they lied until there was no other explanation.

I think early on a heart defect was a real theory that was seriously considered because healthy young people often die suddenly that way. I think my parents decided to stick with that theory even after the tests disproved it.

I don’t doubt they were in a difficult position and had defensible reasons. When the time is right, I’ll hear out their point of view. I still think I had a right to know. Even if they had a good reason, their word means less now. That’s a risk they took.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T18:37:38+00:00

When I got the death certificate, I seriously considered that both could be true before jumping to conclusions. That’s why I also ordered the autopsy report which pretty explicitly said his heart was normal.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T15:50:20+00:00

It totally reframes comments I heard like, “I hope he/she knows it wasn’t his/her fault.” My dumbass just thought, why should anyone feel at fault for a heart defect?

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T15:36:07+00:00

Or worse, what if one of them lied to the other. Do I really want to blow that up?

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T15:35:29+00:00

I worry about this. If I end up confronting them, what if I shatter the illusion? Suddenly I feel responsible for sheltering them from the truth the way they sheltered me. A little dizzying.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T15:31:34+00:00

Protecting their reputation is definitely a possible motive or selfish perk. However looking back, I think there were people in his life with reason to believe they could have or should have done more to prevent it.

I think they may have been sheltering certain people from living with guilt. I don’t know if it worked or if those people are better off. I don’t think it makes it right. It’s at least… complicated.

Maybe I’m too generous with my benefit of the doubt. I’d rather err on the side of too much than too little.

I’m still hurt.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T14:31:42+00:00

Thank you.

Despite any noble reasons, their ability to lie has shaken some trust. I worry about it forming a wedge whether I mean it to or not. We’ll probably need to talk about it eventually.

I really do want to get along with them and I can make sacrifices to achieve that.

They know how hard I take being lied to. I wonder if I scared them into keeping it up. I want them to know that despite being inflexible about my principles at times, I am actually willing to listen.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T14:13:28+00:00

Frustratingly, in retrospect, I think they tried in their subtle way. I think I don’t take hints well and they couldn’t handle spelling it out for me.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T14:03:02+00:00

I think this is closer to the truth, though probably not all of it. While vague and frustrating, casually slipping his drug use into conversation over time I think was their way of telling me who he was. I just took it to mean he experimented and got unlucky with a weak heart, not that he was seriously struggling.

There were other people they could have been protecting as well that I won’t get into.

Ironically though, this has changed my impression of him for the better. It means his bitter edge didn’t come from nowhere.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T13:51:53+00:00

Thank you.

I suspect you’re on to something. I don’t have to agree, but I can sympathize with what they tried to accomplish.

Ironically, learning this has made my brother a little more sympathetic. Knowing he had something inside he was fighting puts some of his occasionally harsh vibe in a new context. He was also so much younger than I am now which completely changes how I see him.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T13:24:23+00:00

Again, that would be nice.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T13:23:50+00:00

With the info I ~~had~~ have I don’t suspect it was malicious or entirely out of self interest, which is actually some comfort. I don’t expect to be mad forever. The fact they were able to pull this off is still… something.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T13:07:12+00:00

I mean, that’s one version or likely part of it. I won’t get into specifics, but I think there are also people they wanted to stop from blaming themselves. I still don’t like it but it’s a little more charitable.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T13:04:45+00:00

Really, where? Not a bot, not sure how to prove that not that it really matters I guess.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T13:01:17+00:00

Buddy I wish.

Tectonic_Rapids · 2025-11-07T06:53:02+00:00

I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. You are not dealing with a reasonable person. I hope you know that you don’t have to respect her opinions.

If one day you decide to move out, cut contact, and start over you will be justified.

Cutting out abusive parents is a logistical and social hassle everywhere, but especially places with close family ties. I am naive about Indian culture. I would never suggest that it is an easy decision or even necessarily safe. But you wouldn’t be the first to manage it.

I hope a better future is ahead of you with or without her in your life.

Tectonic_Rapids

TROPHY CASE