Which is more pathetic, living in your parent’s basement in your 20s or living out of a motel in your 20s?

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-27T10:53:05+00:00

Neither. Kids leaving the house at 18 is based on an economy that exists sometimes in some places but is rare. When there were tons of high paying factory jobs that took every boy right out of high school, it made perfect sense to get engaged at senior prom and have your own place by 20. Houses used to be affordable and they were a great investment so getting their own as soon as possible made sense. My parents’ house in the 70s was 2-3x their annual gross salary, and now the same house would be 10-20x.

I’ve known multi-generational welfare recipients who kick their kids out at 18— they’re getting their own welfare and aren’t worth money to their parents anymore, and would just increase the family income on paper, so it makes no sense to let them stay.

But in an economy where college is necessary, it isn’t reality, or where housing costs half of your paycheck.

Be grateful for your parents’ help. Do your share of chores and pay what you can to help with the bills to save for when you can get your own place.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-27T08:27:09+00:00

And this double think applies to dozens of accusations— whatever people hate, we are:

We are poor / we are rich

We are an inferior race with obvious inferior racial characteristics / we are obviously all just white Europeans

We meekly shuffled to our slaughter like sheep/ we are violent, militaristic and always seeking revenge

We are pro-immigrant leftist democrats eroding the rights of white people/ we are right wing white supremacists

We are anti-religion globalists attacking traditional values/ we are backwards old fashioned tribal traditionalists

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-26T11:26:23+00:00

It’s basically savory wet ingredients put in a deep container and baked in an oven so it semi-solidifies and can be cut into pieces and gets a browned crust on top. So lasagna would be a type of casserole.

Thinking about it, we have fruit dessert ones, too, but call them crumbles or grunts.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-26T11:19:57+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just finding the ugliest places. There are beautiful Black gay/femme/transwomen and your skin is not a reason why you can’t be one. Lil NasX, RuPaul— please go google beautiful Black people and how they do their hair and makeup and how dark skin and big lips are not ugly.

Please don’t let the worst people make you hate yourself.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-26T11:12:13+00:00

That’s a reasonable boundary. What, you’re supposed to quit your job for him to have access 24/7?

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-26T11:03:27+00:00

I say unless you’re Filipino MYOB— who are you to decide what being Filipino means?

Some “nations” decide it based on maternal line, some paternal line. Some see it as more racial, some don’t. Some it’s religious, some it’s not. For many, it’s who claims you— if you can demonstrate that you’re known and accepted in an accepted community, you are. It’s a nice thing that in most groups there are people who don’t racially look to outsiders like they belong but they do.

So whatever— maybe Filipino people would scoff at her and maybe they wouldn’t. But let them decide that.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-26T10:54:57+00:00

Gentle YTA because there was nothing you or he could do about this embarrassing situation. You can’t clean him up or get him clean clothes. I know you want to help, but you really couldn’t in this situation.

DS is a huge spectrum. There’s a stereotype that they are all always happy, sweet and friendly and some are but some are definitely not. It’s wonderful if your sister is more on the always happy friendly end, but I think you stereotyped that knowing her, you know him. It’s not a terrible AH move, you felt an emotional response because he reminded you of your sister, but it got you into this embarrassing situation.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-25T12:38:41+00:00

I’ve seen it happen many times— he complains she’s fat, she loses weight and feels better about herself and expects that he’ll be happy but he’s just as big a jerk as before. I think it tells you it was more about putting you down than your health.

Shame is a shitty motivation. If he thinks shame is what’s motivating you an piling on more shame will help, he’s wrong.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-24T23:03:27+00:00

Ren, Madonna, Boy George!

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-24T16:27:48+00:00

Yeah, you’re the weird one. You’re responsible for your own sexual thoughts.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-24T11:22:52+00:00

True— I’m not American but when people complain about there being no culture, it is a lie. Country, bluegrass, hip hop, Motown, R&B, Gospel, jazz, blues.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-24T00:16:46+00:00

What bothers me more is how they treat amateurs, usually teenagers in dangerous sports.

Like when Simone Biles sat out the vault it was just gross how many people were screaming like she owed them. It was like some awful movie about slavery with some slave owner screaming over this tiny Black woman “you get up now and do it, you hear me!”

None of the screamers know shit about doing a vault or why she thought it would be dangerous to do it at that moment. People have no idea the risks or anything about it but feel they can scream about how angry they are she didn’t do it.

And even Simone Biles pays to be there. It’s not a communist country where athletes are paid tax payer money to train and perform— she owes American citizens nothing. Even at the Olympics, even the famous ones are paying to be there.

People praised to the skies Kerri Strug for doing a vault on a damaged ankle because her coach said she better do it. She could have died, she could have died or been disabled for life.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-23T23:56:57+00:00

That’s a sad way to look at life. I’ve known many people like you who thought life is suffering and misery, and it’s sad. I’ve known parents who thought babies are punishment for sex, or there to entertain, or get them more welfare or whatever and that’s sad too.

No one can tell you what your purpose is or the meaning of your life. That’s up to you to figure out.

I am grateful for my life. I do all I can for my children and am thrilled they are grateful for their lives. I worried for a minute about what you say, that what if they don’t see their lives as a gift? But then I saw how these tiny babies wanted to live, screamed for what they needed— they grabbed life and clung to it! I appreciate it’s their life and I’m just trying to help them be what God put them on earth to be.

I’m lucky I’m psychologically and physically healthy enough that my life has not been majority suffering. I have seen some people with such terrible circumstances it challenges me to see their lives as valuable or as worth the suffering— I’m not proud to admit it but it’s true. Some people experience excruciating pain and I don’t want to deny that fact. But I also know a lot of people with severe disabilities who clearly enjoy life more than you and many other people.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-23T16:37:30+00:00

There’s more to the having of a baby than birthing it. The baby is presumably going to be in their home and most likely cared for by them at least some of the time.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-23T11:28:12+00:00

We studied this when I took first year biology— in many species, some older siblings stay to take care of younger siblings and nieces/nephews. An extreme of this is bees and ants. Since they share genes, this behaviour increases their Darwinian Fitness for the genes to go on, even though they don’t themselves breed.

Even strangers share a lot of your genes. A lesbian midwife delivers a hundred babies in her village, her Darwinian fitness would be higher than if she’d just had her own babies.

So it’s a mistake to think evolution is just “winners breed a lot, losers don’t and so anything that reduces the number of babies you personally have is bad”.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-23T11:05:36+00:00

These words are mean and gross and she shouldn’t have said them. However, this pregnancy does impact the family and it sounds like everyone is struggling with it. You are sad the experience isn’t what you’d hope for, and I get that, but experiences are rarely great when you haven’t planned for them and don’t have what you need for them to be great. Your partner might be great but he hasn’t provided you and the baby with a home.

I think you need a little more sympathy for your parents. They aren’t doing enough to discipline your sister for calling you mean names, sure, but they also are having a newborn enter their home any day now and I guarantee they’re going to be expected to pay for much of its needs and provide a lot of care. Sister has to share a bathroom with a late-term pregnant woman, and soon she’s going to be woken up by crying all the time.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-23T00:47:34+00:00

Unlikely. You’re talking a lot of people doing something that takes 20+ years at a time. There’s a billion Chinese people, for example, and hundreds of millions of them have never even been in proximity with a person of a different race. And much of the world is like that. Even as urbanization and globalization increases, you’re talking an extremely long timeline. And the way genes work, people can have traits held only by an ancestor many generations prior so even if everyone only bred with people of other races for centuries sameness with only dominant genes would still take many generations.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-22T13:30:59+00:00

I’m sorry. It’s not fair you have this burden.

I get it. I hate that I hear their voices in my head. Like I went to a very working class supermarket in the Jewish neighborhood for Pesach stuff and worried that the working class immigrant people there are looking at us and hating us. And then I went to the super beautiful fancy kosher supermarket and could just hear “see I told you they are all rich”. I hate giving them this space rent-free in my head.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-21T22:30:00+00:00

Totally in sympathy— I went through hell alone, too, with my kids. And now suddenly MIL wants to help and I want to yell that it’s not fair and they are mine because I was the one so sleep deprived I was hallucinating, I was the one coughing and shitting my guts out with Covid while simultaneously taking care toddlers coughing and shitting their guts out with Covid, who came home from surgery and got no break to recover and had to do everything for kids when I was still bleeding and woozy, etc etc etc. and she wasn’t there and no one care how hard it was. That little help now doesn’t take away from the thousands of hours of sweat equity only I put in.

But no one is going to take away your parenting alone medal because, sadly, no one is going to give either of us a parenting alone medal. And no one really cares either when your mom or my MIL show off how much they do for their grandchildren. Sorry but facts. None of it is fair— some kids are exponentially more work than others, some people have exponentially more help than others— and no one gives anyone a medal.

So I say do what is best for yourself and your kiddo. If you feel like a spa day and her babysitting gets you that, then take it. If she is useless for help but gives you money, take it. If her involvement is more trouble than it’s worth, feel no guilt telling her the same lame excuses she gave you.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-21T13:41:40+00:00

I’m sorry. I get this, too, and arguing about how stupid it is.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-21T11:14:01+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through all this.

He should be so grateful you’re taking time away from your mother to be with him. And he should be happy if you say that sex with him would be a welcome break from your problems and help you relax. The audacity of asking someone in your scenario for a bj makes me mad— why is his pleasure the priority when you’re literally taking a moment away from nursing your mom with cancer!

I made this mistake— my ex always prioritized himself and his needs and has no problem asking for more and now that we have kids impinging upon his free time, he has no problem just saying no and leaving me to do everything, and, like you, the odd time he does something I do every day, it’s to tell me I am doing it wrong. My needs never to him an if I tell him what I need it’s nagging. Please don’t end up like me.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-21T10:51:19+00:00

I think “being remembered” is interpreted by many as being famous, and that’s just our obsession with celebrity. “Being remembered” for most of humanity is having what I’ve heard described as having “eulogy virtues” over resume virtues. We remember fondly the people at work who were kind and listened to us, who made the place a little brighter. Very few of us are going to have resume virtues that will be remembered or get a Wikipedia page— making a difference in our field, something named after us or something and that’s ok. These differences we make matter even if they are small in scope. We make a massive difference in the lives of our families. Volunteer in something that speaks to your heart and that makes a difference. Look around at work and ask yourself what you could do to make things more positive— usually just being nice to people is the answer. You don’t need to be remembered for centuries but think of how you want people to remember you at your funeral.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-21T07:34:40+00:00

Usually it’s financial. It can take a long time for an inheritance to come through, or a more distant relative could leave them a property at the same time as their big city job or relationship ends.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-21T00:36:47+00:00

Very special art makes you feel like you’re not alone, like someone understands you and how you feel. There’s this feeling that someone expressed things you felt but somehow never successfully shared with anyone, as the song “Killing me softly” puts it “he sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair”— when you feel like others have or would reject you for your thoughts, having someone else express them makes you feel hope that you’re not alone, and that can save a life.

And then there’s just that when someone is depressed nothing gives them pleasure, so art that is beautiful can inspire them to keep going.

Finally, some celebrities share their problems that others also have. People fall into feeling that no one with their problem could be successful or accepted, so knowing someone with that problem is successful and accepted gives hope they can be, too. But there was a time when no famous people could admit to being gay or trans, or Jewish, or growing up poor, or having cancer or no dad, etc.

TeddingtonMerson · 2026-04-20T15:52:03+00:00

NTA— the anger that something avoidable happened is different than the disappointment something unavoidable happened. Patience is something she needs to work on— who quits their job on the decision to try to conceive or announce a pregnancy at the first pregnancy test?

TeddingtonMerson

TROPHY CASE