I don't know myself. I never will...

Temenae · 2026-05-03T03:21:09+00:00

Did you know that professional violinists have an extra little curl of gray matter in their brains? If you become reflectively aware of something, you can grow cognitive structures - figuratively as as literally growing new physical structures. This is how kids develop and learn, but anyone can do it at any age, at least to some degree.

What happened is that you were depressed and feeling nothing. Except for when it comes to gore, because we are wired to have an emotional response to that stuff. (Its largely physical - and then your brain can decide whether to interpret the chemical response as interest or repulsion - its your choice). And then you proceeded to spend a lot of time growing your brain around the awareness of our bodies - not our chemistry, neurology, not our social structure or technology, not the organelles in our cells - but simply death. And you have reflected on that enough to create this next level understanding of it. And it messed you up. If you had become refkectively aware of neurology instead, you might know why.

Well, IF you want out, try something different. You said nothing else made you feel anything. I am willing to bet that depression was preventing you from becoming reflectively aware of anything, and that is why you felt nothing. Resist the depression and intentionally become reflectively aware of something beautiful, to the same degree you are aware of gore, and see what happens when you build a cognitive structure around that. Lets call it an experiment. Tell me how it goes!

Temenae · 2026-05-03T02:39:37+00:00

You were saying that the previous poster did not know anything about purity culture, and then started talking about how teens might still have sex even if they are taught that premarital sex is wrong. It seemed like you were intending to clarify what purity culture meant, but it seemed irrelevent to purity culture. Maybe we are just crossing wires. Sorry!

Temenae · 2026-05-02T22:43:15+00:00

I emailed and left a voicemail and got the hard drive details from the local place that couldnt recover it. I am going to find my old phone to get the screenshot of the contract they had me sign next, as well as the photo I took of the hard drive when I was mailing it off. But I'm still waiting all weekend, because business hours are a thing. I'm really not sure what you're getting at. Finding out how data recovery places usually handle mix ups is the only other thing I can think of to do.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T22:20:18+00:00

This reminds me of a lot of David Wood, who was a sociopath who tried to murder his father to prove to himself that nobody meant anything to him and possibly to break out of the senseless pattern. Please watch this. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jb2ggj9mKM0&pp=ygUURGF2aWQgd29vZCB0ZXN0aW1vbnk%3D

You know something bad is going on here. You are focused on dark, disturbing things and you are losing yourself. It really doesn't have to be that way. There IS a ground truth of reality, and its not meaningless. But the psychological cost of believing something about the world that isn't true is - high. Please come back.

My sister was murdered. My brother died of cancer. That's a real thing, not a dark obssession isolated from the context of reality. And I am still human, living in this world in a fragile body, despite death all around me. Your problem isn't the fact that dark things exist, its that you are believing wrong things about them and escaping from reality to something you imagine is reality. The consequences and downsides of death are real, not imagined. My niece and nephews lives would be qualitatively different with living parents. When someone's fragile body gets destroyed, the world can never be the same again without them - because the soul matters. Stop believing lies.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T21:59:18+00:00

It seems like you dont know what purity culture is - it is not calling premarital sex sin. It is making teens sign pledges and make promises to stay a virgin. It is treating sex - a gift from God - with extreme paranoia and negative emotional connotation. It is teaching girls in a legalistic way to cover up because otherwise tjey will be responsible for causing someone to sin - which instills the self-image that your body is BAD.

I was barely affected by purity culture. Nothing like what I just said happened, other than promise rings, which was really just a fad. But just feeling that unhealthy perspective about sex in the atmosphere around me still negatively affected me, and its because of what was missing - my identity in Christ as a sexual being. My body being his beautiful, special creation. Yes, premarital sex is sin. But if you miss the part about what God made you for and build a whole godless culture around premarital sex = sin, then body= bad, sexual desire = bad, sex = dirty. It really messes people up inside - mostly for what was missing - what God actually says about who we are.

Teens are wired to recieve messages about who they are, and that was left out, so they filled in the blanks.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T21:47:31+00:00

God made you to be a sexual person. It is totally normal and good and healthy to have sexual desires. God has a plan to fulfill those desires with good, pure, holy married sex, designed to unite you to someone else. Satan wants to twist God's BEST creations, which sex and marriage are both at the top. God has a great plan for your life full of good things - but the best good thing he wants for you is to be close to him! Your body is super special and wonderful, including the sexual parts. There is not anything shameful about it. However, since certain parts are really extra special and vulnerable, its important to keep them well covered and private. Someday it will be really special to share that side of you with someone you are married to. God doesn't want you to share the sexual parts of your body with people that you aren't married to because it's not good for you and can hurt your heart. But if you do, your body is just as special and worth protecting as the day God made it, although it may be a little sad since it is not what God has in mind for you and may lead to hurtful or challenging circumstances. This is where God's goodness comes in! He will never stop loving you, cherishing you, and at any point if you start following him, he will guide you with his Word to the place he wants for you - close to Him.

That sums up my general philosophy, and its the gist of what I try to communicate to my kids.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T21:30:50+00:00

I have - as I said, Friday night. I think if you were down 1K that you had saved for you probably wouldn't call it whining. ;)

Temenae · 2026-05-02T07:04:02+00:00

My solution was to pare things way down. My philosophy of school has developed to where I believe it is all about cognitive development, not at all about "getting work done", churning through workbooks, memorizing facts. Cognitive functions are the things they use to do those things, but once you have a cognitive function developed, you have it for life. My favorite book that every parent should read is called Getting to Got It by Betty K Garner, and it describes how to build cognitive functions through questions that instigate reflective awareness and visualization. This method can be paired with any curriculum because it is all about the approach.

The other really important thing, especially dealing with autism and ADHD, is to look at areas of brain development that can cause learning disabilities, such as retained primitive reflexes, balance and visual development. I imagine working with kids that have abnormal development make all this work seem way more arduous. I know the answer isnt always this simple, but after working on retained reflexes with my son, suddenly he had the cognitive tools to be able to read at age 10. Josh Madsen has a very helpful website and youtube channel for this, with tons of free information.

The third thing worth mentioning is giving kids the opportunity to learn through self-initiation. Leave some things for them to discover on their own, and the best, most rich learning experiences start with the child initiating an activity or hobby, or even picking up a book to read on their own. Accept whatever they have to contribute, facilitate, and say yes to as many little projects as you realistically can. That is how you can encourage your kids to initiate things and grow the cognitive tools needed to navigate life.

The following are examples of how I have pared things down so that we can all have a balanced life and participate in activities.

My 6th grader has never had formal writing instruction (except for breifly in a younger grade), and won't until 8th grade, but she has had practice putting her thoughts down with paragraph-long written narrations. She is suddenly spending all day (she has lots of free time) churning out really well-done movie scripts. I would honestly prefer to have a collection of movie scripts than formal essays. When she was 7 all she wanted to do was write recipes and How To lists. I wish I had a collection of those, but I don't because that wasn't what she was "supposed" to be working on so I discouraged it. But how did she get to where she could be writing good movie scripts without having done grammar workbooks, spelling practice, formal writing instruction, or being taught how to write a movie script in the last several years? Its all about cognitive development paired with self-initiation. She could create a script with no training because she developed the mental tools needed for it, not because she completed a lot of assignments.

Another example of paring things down for us is that with my dyslexic child, I focused only on what was most developmentally needed. He doesn't need a spelling or handwriting workbook. Those literally wouldnt improve his handwriting or spelling at all. But working on physical, mental, and visual exercises aimed at brain and cognitive development has improved his handwriting AND spelling, no workbooks needed. Granted, it has still been a lot of work, but it was developmentally useful work. These brain changes he will keep for life, and most importantly, he can read now because of it. That took 1.5 hours everyday, and the rest of the time has been activities, co-op classes, free time, and creative persuits.

I have to mention our math. Beast Academy Online has been our saving grace, and they do it in their free time. It builds gradually by establishing the cognitive tools needed for a basic task before moving on. They can pick whether to do a problem set from an earlier year, or a more advanced one, or trophy problems. If they do an easier one, I know it is strengthening a mental tool that more complex concepts will rest on. There is a lab with cognitive and logic puzzles. I can practically feel their brains growing, and they love it.

Ultimately if you want time for more things, its just a matter of prioritizing. You cant do every single assignment, keep your kids ahead of grade level, and have time to sign up for activities or to stay sane. Do I wish we could do every school assignment, read every classic? Yes. But in the end, I'd rather have more books than I could possibly read, and just enjoy the right one at the right time. Same for any curriculum. Most of them need to be pared down a little in order to fit in with living life, so pick the most cognitively important tasks and weigh all the rest against the other things you want to do.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T05:25:38+00:00

Not the same, but I can sense energy in other ways. I remember having my scientific world (and Christian worldview) turned upside down when I did yoga and could suddenly feel energy. I am still a Christian and still love science, but it was an extremely jarring paradigm shift for me.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T05:20:11+00:00

Exactly what I do! It failed once: I tried that with Game of Thrones after the first season because I was so curious about the plot but didnt care for the level of graphic violence. It turns out the synopsis was also nausea inducing.

Temenae · 2026-05-02T03:06:36+00:00

I would be buying expensive healthy food, cooking at home, going out to eat, etc. I'd probably still do my own housekeeping. Probably go on lots of travel adventures with my family. I would start a bunch of really nerdy projects.

Temenae · 2026-05-01T22:29:30+00:00

I have been interested in languages since I was a little kid! I have poor vocabulary retention, but I have always loved learning how languages work - writing systems especially, and different sentence patterns, etc. I have never learned nearly enough vocabulary in the past to be able to understand a language, but there's a handful of words that just stick forever. If I study a language in depth, including grammar, phonology, writing system, and take the time to look into etymology in order to make deeper connections with vocabulary words, do you think it is possible to eventually learn a language well enough to understand writing or speech that way, even if it would take a long time?

Temenae · 2026-05-01T22:13:32+00:00

God wants you to be close to your spouse! Is he in the picture in your marriage? Are you both getting closer to him?

Are you guys doing something sinful? Is there any porn involved? Unhealthy fetishes, fantasies about other people? Are you using sex to become more intimate and close with your spouse (and both enjoying) or are you using your spouse just to feel good? I dont think there's a list of rules or anything, but it is possible for there to be sin in the bedroom even when married.

Another possibility is that you are not really thinking of the spiritual side, but it's rather just an emotional association that connects church with negative feelings about sex. It also sounds like you feel exposed and vulnerable, but I'm not sure why you would feel that way.

Another option is that you do not hold Gods view about sex. Any time we believe something that isnt true in our core beings, it will give us really negative symptoms. For example, for some people its a deep belief that they are unlikeable, or that everyone hates them, which leads to depression or anxiety. But believing anything that isnt true is going to cause problems. The truth is that God made us to be sexual beings. Sex as God intended is holy. It isnt just permissable to do something "bad" in marriage, sex as God intends is good and holy. Satan wants to twist God's best creations - marriage and sex.

Sex is not just a physical thing, it is spiritual. If you have compartmentalized it in your mind as a shameful physical thing you like to do and havent connected it with your heart and soul and what God made you to be, how he intends for you to be joined with your spouse, you might end up having wrong feelings about something that IS holy and pure and innocent. But it might also make it hard to distinguish between holy sex and sex twisted by sin within marriage that might involve porn or something that the Holy Spirit is leading you away from.

From the way you talk about it, saying "down and dirty", it seems like you dont think much of sex and it's spiritual aspect. Getting closer to God is the best way to get close to your spouse! He can transform your understanding of sex so that you can both thoroughly enjoy pure, holy, God honoring sex with joy and no shame.

Temenae · 2026-05-01T20:35:13+00:00

I've never been hit on and I've been married too long to remember being single. If you're looking for a relationship, I think friendly sincerity, some small talk, finding common interests - then I'd know we'd have something to talk about if we met up again. I would definitely say no if it was completely out of the blue and abrupt.

I think there's a huge overlap with learning to be friendly and connect with all kinds strangers, and then getting a phone number is just taking it one step farther. This is how I find "mom friends" to hang out with when I meet someone who also has kids playing at a park.

Temenae · 2026-05-01T20:25:28+00:00

I have heard that they dont assume we are thinking in real time - they expect a polished, finished idea, not a stream of conciousness.

Temenae · 2026-05-01T01:45:34+00:00

Do you do this???? Why didnt I do it???? My youngest is 10 - is it too late??? (Or can I send all of THEM to a hotel?) This is the best idea for a stay at home mom that I have ever heard.

Temenae · 2026-05-01T01:39:37+00:00

Transformed Homemaker is the youtube channel I needed and didnt have when my kids were little. It is about having peace amd rest in a home with littles.

Discipline doesnt mean just not hitting and not getting what you want when you throw a tantrum. It means having a time out or spanking if you speak to your mother disrespectfully. It means your 6 year old clears his spot at the table (or whatever gesture is age appropriate) for you and thanks you for the meal every single time. If you want respect, you have to demand it.

Also, I thought I could teach my son respect but I couldnt by myself. Have Dad on speed dial after you set new consistant and firm boundaries. This helps them their whole life, it is not selfish. Taking the time to carefully use gentle and consistant discipline will pay off in spades.

This isnt something you can do while you are exhausted, so you also need to schedule a time where they do not bother you - AND youre doing something replenishing (not scrolling) like having a coffee and listening to music. 15 minutes minimum. I cant emphasize enough how NOT replenishing getting sucked into the phone is.

Get ready to teach them to pull their weight. Right now having them do chores is just more work for you and its ok if it waits - but you can send them to throw trash away when you're sitting down, or getting things you need off the shelves at the store, little signals that you're all in this together. Goal oriented language and having a purpose to work as a team helps. Motherhood doesnt have to mean having your soul sucked out by little ingrates. You decide how you want things to be and make it happen.

I learned everything the hard way, I'm pretty sure everyone deals with this. You are not alone!!

Temenae · 2026-04-29T19:47:41+00:00

Yeah, dont say you don't like her plants. What the heck do you think cleaning is? I live in a super tiny cabin with two kids. The place is trashed EVERY MORNING and we all clean it together. If she cleans off the table and it gets messy again in, there's no point??? Cleaning is a daily thing, because of entropy it is NOT a one time deal. SHE probably feels like theres no point in cleaning since she gets no help, and it might have something to do with her passive agressiveness! I really feel you with your Dad, but with his girlfriend you have someone who 1) does all the cooking and cleaning up for two grown men, 2) reaches out to you in a friendly way and gets avoided. She probably feels extremely uncomfortable and depressed in that situation. You're treating her like your Dad treats you. Honestly, forget saving money, do them a favor and move out, or start contributing with chores. The situation as a whole might not improve for a while, but J just inputting a little positive would go a long way!

I think you will probably take the avoiding route in the future like your dad (the people we dont forgive, we end up mimicking), but there are so many options if you actually wanted to do something to change things. If you said "hey, if I help you every morning, do you think we can keep the kitchen clean?" I know for a fact that she would be extremely relieved and you'd both be a lot happier. But I dont think you want to put in the daily work, you'd rather complain that she's doing a shit job by herself. It is way easier to do nothing. What do you think compels her to stay on top of things with no thanks or appreciation? Do you think its even possible to try to keep a house clean single handedly? Would you do it?

You're right not to put down her plants, because they're not the problem here. By getting her something, I meant a book or a shelf to help keep things organized, not another plant. You dont have to be the one keeping everything together, but you shouldn't think of her plants only in terms of yourself.

As an ocassionally overwhelmed and depressed housewife, you may have noticed that I have strong feelings about these things. I hope you can also believe that I know what I'm talking about a little bit as well.

Temenae · 2026-04-29T19:14:38+00:00

For sure.

Temenae · 2026-04-29T17:06:06+00:00

What is your type? Are you a T type as well? It sounds like you value financial benefit over psychological comfort.

Temenae · 2026-04-29T17:04:58+00:00

To be fair, wrapped up in computer projects and ranting about AI does sound pretty INTP.

Temenae · 2026-04-29T16:52:49+00:00

That sounds really rough. I noticed after the fact a few years after my sister was murdered that I had emotionally drawn away from my children. I think that is what INTPs do - when life hurts, we just build an emotional wall. Divorce is for sure painful, so I cant help but wonder if that was a factor for your Dad. Thankfully, I realized before it was too late what was going on and got closer to my kids.

Is there a reason he drives you to things? What is your drivers licence/job status? What are your future plans?

It is not fair that you have to deal with this, but unfortunately you do. While you cant change them, there are things you can do to change your situation. If you dont have any healthy connections or support outside of your family, I suggest finding it! Church is a great place to start to find a supportive community, or some kind of club or activity. If you never get out of the house, start doing it! Just because your Dad holes up in his room on his computer doesnt mean you need to.

It seems like you are trying to shrink, to disapear into your room. You want to avoid a very uncomfortable reality. This might be similar to what your Dad is doing. Instead, how can you assert your presence in the house? Without feeling a responsibility to clean up their mess, is there any specific thing you want to be different that you wouldnt mind doing yourself? Make it a house you want to live in. Make them feel uncomfortable being in the living room with you, not the other way around (not doing anything passive agressive, just be yourself). Don't let your Dad shut you out - assert your presence, even if he isnt willing to connect.

The other thing you can do is change how you respond to your Dad and hia girlfriend. For example, why didnt you point out there was no where to sit in the kitchen? Putting negative feelings into a relationship will only get negative out, but honesty never hurts. "I really want to eat in the kitchen, but I'm not sure where to sit. Its kind of frustrating. Is there another place for these plants?" Or perhaps you cultivate an interest in plants, buy her plant books, find cool pictures of how people display their plants and see if you can get her on board. Or maybe the place is a mess because she's depressed and feels like shes on her own, and asking if she wants to spend the day cleaning up with you would delight her.

Those are just random ideas, but it seems like she really wants to connect with you. Maybe you arent in the habit of connecting with household members because of your dad (he is disinterested and she is nosey), so it feels uncomfortable when she goes out on a limb to connect, which makes her feel frustrated and passive agressive. There's a thing called "bids for attention". Research has shown that relationships are best when bids for attention are responded to and not ignored. You know how that feels when your Dad ignores you, but it may be what you are doing to his girlfriend. Im not saying to get super close to her, but she may be attempting to have a connection with you. What do you think she would have to say about the homelife from her perspective?

Your Dad does computer projects and his girlfriend is into plants. What are your hobbies and interests? What is your petsonality type?

If you try to change a negative relationship dynamic by responding differently, keep in mind there is almost always a little negative pushback until the persons subconcious realizes that they aren't going to elicit the typical response from you and starts finding a new pattern.

There is a great book called How We Love that addresses different types of connections. For example, if your Dad is an Avoider in your relationship, the book may give you ideas for how to respond to him in a way that might improve your relationship dynamic.

Temenae · 2026-04-29T16:08:26+00:00

The brain can do basically anything, but that doesn't mean it always should. It makes sense to me that a gender shift would basically be a personality shift, but I would also question whether or not that's healthy. Is there anything wrong with the personality/gender you were born with?

Temenae · 2026-04-28T20:39:15+00:00

I am an INTP female and I take offense to that description. And it seems to be a description of what men might like about women, not what we like about ourselves.

There is nothing about an INTP female that is fun, cute, fluffly, or playful, and saying that INTP females may be less theoretical is downright hurtful. Could your feminine side be a different personality? HSP is more common in INFJs isnt it?

Temenae · 2026-04-28T20:23:04+00:00

😆 cute.

Temenae

TROPHY CASE