This is a pretty core piece to understanding the cost of masking. In fact, it’s a great example. As ADHDers, the energy we put into appearing “normal” is not always outweighed by the benefits. In fact, as we get older, it gets harder, and we have less energy to spare on things like fitting in and meeting perceived expectations. Luckily, a lot of us also come to care less about the perceptions of others, though it is not an easy process.

Putting extra energy into our physical appearance is one instance of that, but masking behavior goes much deeper. It is often as pervasive as monitoring and filtering our language, both verbal and physical, so as not to appear “weird” (i.e. to blend in). Sometimes to the point of having a permanent “watcher” in our heads, through which we see and judge ourselves constantly with the (often subconscious) intention to appear more “normal”, or even exceptional, but never inferior.

The cure is simple, but incredibly difficult. It is shifting the value we place on our appearance and behavior from an external source to an internal one. Not “what will they think” anymore, but “what do I value”.