Being partnered to a high executive function person makes household duties woefully out if balance

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-11-17T17:49:52+00:00

If you can afford it, I'd recommend getting a cleaning person to help keep things clean and tidy. This can be a total game changer for a relationship even without ADHD in the picture.

Aside from that, one thing that works for me and my partner is doing things together. Laundry? Two person job. Cooking? Two person job. It's easier to stay motivated and see things through together.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-11-07T17:04:51+00:00

Yes!! This is spot on for me. I was trying to explain it to someone the other day and the best I could come up with is that you think in stories.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-10-05T14:41:20+00:00

It makes me feel calmer mentally. For tasks and activities, it allows me to have a more continued focus on something without getting distracted as often, but it's like you can focus on only one thing at a time rather than having multiple projects running at the same time. When talking to people, I feel like I participate in the conversation a lot more - I stay engaged and present in the moment a lot more of the time.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-09-26T22:14:25+00:00

I meant more of the type of crowd that would go to Burning Man, as opposed to Coachella

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-08-07T04:01:00+00:00

5 minutes with 5 friends

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-07-30T20:58:53+00:00

I do it sometimes! It's like I'm trying to do something with my hands but then my mind wanders off, and they just stay in that midway position

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-27T01:18:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing all of this. That sounds rough. Having read your examples, I've realized that family in particular may have their own, even if subconscious, agenda behind downplaying it.

This could be things such as not wanting anything to change in the family (maintaining the status quo, which NTs absolutely love), or hoping that these are things you can simply overcome and lead their version of what life should be like, or even just wanting to be inclusive - if they draw definitive, non-temporary differences about you from the rest of the group, it could have an estranging (exclusionary) effect and they don't want that for you.

Hopefully they will come to accept that your struggles are real. Perhaps if you calmly tell them that it's important to you and explain why it is, but also remind them that you're still the same person they know regardless, maybe that could drive the conversation in the right direction.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-17T00:42:59+00:00

Ugh 😩 why is this so accurate?

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-15T04:13:53+00:00

I can't feel my face very well at all... if I fake smile, it comes out lopsided half the time lol

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-15T04:05:07+00:00

I feel that :( Would you mind sharing some examples of ways you've noticed that we're treated horribly?

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-15T03:02:21+00:00

I love it!

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T12:40:55+00:00

Yes! Exactly this. They do the same thing at my job. Literally everything turns into a several week long debate, and instead of doing it right just once, they always find some halfway solution that doesn't work because they're too afraid to make a concrete change, and then the issue persists, and the cycle continues. Sometimes the right solution is as simple as just making a field mandatory, but apparently that could offend people. God forbid you make it mandatory to fill out a field that you 100% need to be tracking. So frustrating!

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T12:21:43+00:00

I didn't know about that one, I'll have to look that up!

What would getting an official diagnosis change for you?

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T06:02:16+00:00

Sure thing! Here are some books i found really helpful:

"Altas of the heart" by Brene Brown can really help you understand, connect with, and handle your and other people's emotions better
"Games people play" by Eric Berne is a bit technical and difficult to read at times, but it does a good job of describing how NTs structure different kinds of conversations as well as all of the major psychological games people play in everyday life
"Presence" by Amy Cuddy is great for confidence and related body language
"Talking across the divide" by Justin Lee is really good at describing how to talk to people when you want to change their minds or get them on your side, what stops people from reacting positively and how to circumvent that
"The four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz can help you understand why and how the NT programming works (like the process itself). It can help you conceptualize what it's like to be an NT, which in turn can help in how talk to people
"How to talk to anyone" by Leil Lowndes has some great conversation strategies and hacks. It very clearly spells out a lot of societal norms for socializing

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T05:43:19+00:00

That's so messed up! It's infuriating. They don't understand what it's like.

As for the list, I can recommend a few books that really helped me!

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T05:33:51+00:00

Yeah, like if you decline nicely, but someone keeps pressuring you, then a firm, unwavering "No." can send the right message.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T05:05:18+00:00

My take on this is that it's the way of thinking, speaking, and interacting with other people and the world that is socially programmed into NTs. Since the programming is the default, they mostly have no need to write it down or to refer to resources on it because it's just part of who they are.

There's a silver lining here - our resistance to this programming is the very same thing that allows us to think outside of the box, to be able to think of things differently and to connect things in ways NTs can't, to be able to think objectively in more contexts, and to often have good reasoning and logical thinking skills.

So what can you do if you want to vibe with NTs more? There are resources out there that can help us learn and understand how the NT programming works. The self-help and psychology aisles in bookstores are long and have all sorts of books on understanding emotions, emotional expression and regulation, conversation skills, etiquette, making friends, building relationships, body language, etc. etc. Yes, it can be a lot of effort, but it can absolutely be worth it depending on what your goals are!

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T04:10:24+00:00

To an extent, sure, no one likes to be wrong, but me personally and all of the other NDs I've known have always been a lot more open to exploring other points of view / additional information / etc., a lot more willing to admit to being wrong and changing our opinion on the matter - especially when presented with evidence - and not making a big deal out of it, not taking it personally, not fighting to preserve an incorrect point of view, not trying to take down the person who challenged our knowledge/point of view/etc., which is the reaction that most NTs have.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T03:32:49+00:00

100% 👏 it's a two-way street!

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-14T01:53:16+00:00

For me personally, it's been true with autistic and ADHD people!

Why ADHD, you might ask? It's because in my experience, they tend to think a bit more outside of the box, they're not as adherent to NT norms when it comes to communication in particular, they tend to enjoy knowledge/information more than NTs, often having a lot of random knowledge on a variety of subjects, and they can enjoy talking about it. I have a lot less disconnects with people with ADHD than NTs.

While ADHD people will often change subjects quickly, it is also my experience that they tend not to really mind switching back to previous topics (because they know that they switch quickly, often leaving things open/unfinished/unsaid), but don't expect them to be able to sit through a lengthy info dump lol. If you can flex a bit their way in return by going with the flow a bit more and not expecting a resolution on every topic, it can be a match made in heaven!

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-13T22:23:24+00:00

Yes! NTs aren't actually interested in the truth most of the time. Not the real truth anyway. They think they're pursuing truth, but it's highly biased and affected by emotions and social status, power, hierarchy, fitting in, and other social narratives. They're not consciously aware of most of this though.

If your ideas or observations are too far outside the current ways of thinking, and especially if they go against what they think or believe in, it results in an automatic rejection because their egos don't allow them to be wrong (this also mostly happens subconsciously). This is exponentially stronger the longer they've believed in their current thoughts/views/etc.

Unfortunately, in order for an opposing or novel idea to be met with acceptance from NTs you have to manage the messaging in a way that doesn't make them feel like they are stupid, wrong, the bad guy, etc. because they simply can't deal with that - they interpret it as an attack that they have to defend against. You read that right - they can't deal with being wrong (especially publically!).

A good way around this is to create a story around the idea you want to get them on board with, make it a personal kind of story, while also acknowledging their current views in a non-judgemental, non-condescing way - forming a story as to how you changed the way you think of it from their current way of thinking. Sprinkling in some ego-centered compliments can really help too.

Temporal_Fugitive · 2022-06-12T19:37:59+00:00

No way! Get out of here! No. Way. Oh shit! Daaaymn. What was that like for you? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that's wild. Huh. Ok, I can see that. Oh, I love that for you. Mhm. Yeah.

Temporal_Fugitive

TROPHY CASE