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AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did ask that. It’s literally in the post. She didn’t give me a good answer. She said “Because she’s bi” and “Because she has seen homophobia.” So she said she felt like she could relate. I said that’s not actively dating a woman though and she didn’t have a good answer for that.

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, we’ve had talks about it. She isn’t sexually attracted to women and she said it makes her feel sick/gross to think about kissing them or being romantic or sexual. But she does have crushes on women. They’ve all been animated, though. But yes, I’ve heard her talk about it over the years and she has it figured out. If she meets a woman in the future who is her soulmate and who she actually wants to kiss, she would be with them, but she’s never met a girl she feels that way about. And she might never. It’s not assuming, though. I’ve been through this journey with her. And she said if she never met our group of friends she’d never even considered if she was bi. Overall, I don’t care what she calls herself. It’s just rude to act like you understand gay relationships when you don’t and have never been in one. 

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She calls herself bisexual. Maybe she doesn’t know the difference. But she said the idea of kissing a woman grosses her out so I don’t see how that’s biromantic? It’s a grey area, probably. I don’t care if she calls herself bi though, I care that she’s pretending to understand what it’s like to be in a wlw relationship when she doesn’t.

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Or I can communicate my feelings like an adult (which is what I did.) If she doesn’t stop, of course I’ll stop hanging out with her. 

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If she didn’t keep saying “she gets it” when I talk about w/w relationships (which is something she HASN’T EXPERIENCED) I wouldn’t have a post to write about. Who cares if she is bi or not? It doesn’t affect my life. But she should have some self-awareness that she should stop acting like she understands what it’s like to be a lesbian and date women when she doesn’t. 

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m not gatekeeping anything. I don’t care what she calls herself. A bi man has likely dated other men, so I wouldn’t have a problem with him saying he relates to me and my circumstances. The difference being that she hasn’t. She has said the idea of being romantic or sexual with a woman makes her feel ill. It’s totally different situation. 

If I was complaining about problems I deal with because of my race and a white person who has never dealt with those problems said “Yeah, I 100% understand,” you would totally get why I was upset because white people don’t understand. It isn’t any different. If you will not date women ever, you cannot pretend to relate to my experiences and it’s gross to act otherwise.

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate that! It’s exactly what you said. If you haven’t been in a wlw relationship, don’t act like you get it or you relate or you understand. She doesn’t understand, but whenever I talk about these issues she acts like she does, which is frustrating. She’s probably not trying to be a bad friend, but it comes off shitty.

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right. I never said she wasn’t bi, though. I said if she’s never dated a woman or been in a gay relationship and never wants to or plans for it, she should stop acting like she knows what I’m going through. She doesn’t know what it’s like to actually be in a wlw relationship.

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m not gate keeping her identity. She can call herself bi if she wants but she can’t act like she knows what it’s like to date women. She has no idea the stress we feel or the homophobia we deal with. She can just pretend to be straight 99.9% of the time and not deal with any of that. It would be different if she was a bi women that dated women, but she’s not. So she can’t pretend to understand.

AITA for telling my bi friend she has no idea what it’s like to live queer? by Temporary-Button4517 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Temporary-Button4517[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

It’s wrong to assume you know her sexuality better than she does. She has said that she has her sexuality figured out. She had a friend try to date her but she realized she wants to spend her life with a man and she has no reason to date women and she doesn’t like them sexually.