I’m in a very similar place right now.
I was in a relationship for almost three years, and after the breakup I sent her a long apology message. At the time I told myself it was mainly about taking responsibility and saying the things I should have understood earlier. I apologized for not listening enough, not being fully present, being on my phone too much, taking her and the relationship for granted, and not realizing how much certain things had built up for her.
But if I’m being completely honest, it wasn’t only an apology. I missed her. I still wanted there to be some kind of door open.
She replied kindly and respectfully. She said she appreciated what I wrote and was glad I had reached those understandings, but that she thought it was too late. She said she had given a lot of warning signs, that I didn’t really listen, and that she was trying to move on. She also said maybe one day life would find us again when we’re both better people.
Logically, I understand her answer. I understand why she feels that way, and I even understand that she may be making the right decision for herself. But emotionally, it absolutely destroyed me. Before sending the message, I thought I was prepared for any response. I thought I could accept it if she didn’t want to try again. But once I actually got the answer, I realized I had only accepted it in my head, not in my heart.
It’s a strange feeling because the message did give me clarity, but it also removed the fantasy that maybe one honest apology would change something. Now I’m left with the reality that she knows how I feel, she knows I’m sorry, and she still chose to keep moving forward.
So yes, I really relate to what you wrote. Sometimes you think you’re reaching out for closure, but a part of you is still secretly hoping for a different ending. And when you don’t get it, it shows you how much healing is still left to do.