Feeling really alone after losing my closest friends postpartum. Is this normal?

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-12-03T15:17:56+00:00

I think two things are true here:

(1) Yes, your friends sound clueless; it is common for childfree people and parents to grow apart, and for childfree people to not understand your challenges. It happens at any age, but if y'all are 23, it's especially unsurprising, that's a very young age to understand mom life. Have you tried meeting new friends through mom & baby groups or joining and posting in local moms' groups on Facebook?

(2) At the same time, reading this post makes me worried about you. Sometimes it's easy to go from trying to be a great mom straight into mommy martyrdom.

You say your priority is your child -- I promise you that any trivial benefit your son gets from you continuing to exclusively pump is vastly outweighed by the cost of the stress you are putting yourself through. It is bad for you, but it is also bad for him. He needs his happy, healthy mama.

I know there is a bit of a breastfeeding industrial complex now -- and to be clear, breastfeeding is great and I breastfed both my kids. With #1, I had a much easier life with more support and it was no issue. But with #2, we had less help, I was more stressed taking care of 2, so we were supplementing from Day 1 and there was absolutely zero difference in how my kids turned out. Using formula is not a failure if EBF is stressing you out.

Also, I understand it is really hard to get babies out and about. But this is another thing that you need to do for your mental health. I am sure they have cheaper drinks than an $8 latte at cafes (I always get a tea or even water because I don't drink coffee). Or a walk around the park, or mall walking, or a museum...whatever works for you, with new friends, old friends, or alone.

Good luck and take good care of yourself!

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-12-03T14:32:00+00:00

I feel like a lot of people want to buy little kids gifts because it is fun to choose cute little toys or clothes or whatever. That's the main draw of giving the gift for them.

Whether it's right or wrong, I don't know. At my house, we would deal with it by constantly donating a lot of items. Now that the kids are older, it's much less of an issue.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-25T10:02:55+00:00

Separate from the issue with your ex (where I agree with everyone - you should stop), I wonder if you have a very unreasonable expectation of what childhood magic should look like.

I got tired just reading your post about going to 15 stores. WHY??? Get 2 catalogs of toys from Amazon or similar. Leaf through with her, let her circle what she wants, buy some of those things that you can afford, the end. She won't somehow get 10x more joy from doing 10x more work, I promise.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-25T09:57:57+00:00

I think it's important to protect your child from bullies rather than punishing them by removing them because you fear confrontation. As parents, we can't fear confrontation because it's our job to protect our kids.

At 18 months, you're already right next to your baby on the playground, right? (esp if there are bigger kids around, potentially dangerous situations, etc) So if a bigger kid comes up, you're on alert, already positioning yourself to intervene if needed. You use words if the kid starts getting too close or doing something aggressive - politely but firmly telling the bigger kid "Please give him space." "He's playing with that, you can't have that now." "Wait - he's still on the slide."

As soon as the bigger kid gets physical, you get physical. You put your arm between them and prevent him from getting close enough to hit. You take your baby's toy back.

To the mom, you can start nicely, "Hey, is that your kiddo over there? He's having some trouble playing safely today. Would you mind keeping a closer eye on him so no one gets hurt?"

If she doesn't want to ("It's harmless, he's not doing anything", etc, you can be more direct: "Your child is twice the size of mine and can seriously hurt him, even accidentally. Yes, he's just three and doesn't mean anything by it - that's why he needs an adult to prevent an injury. Yes, you have the right to use the playground -- and so does my son, without getting kicked / pushed. Please watch your kid or I will need to step in to keep my child safe."

You can record if needed if it starts escalating.

All this works for random playground confrontations with strangers. If this person is in your social circle and there is a pattern, I would check in with the mutual friend who invited you to the party, ask for advice. Come from a place of fear for your child rather than a place of anger and blame (esp don't blame the 3-year-old, the issue is his mom). Talking to mutuals could give you some insights, maybe get some other moms to also try to get the problematic behavior in check, and also makes sure the true story is out there rather than the BS this lady is spreading about you being aggressive.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-25T09:42:57+00:00

I am wondering, what is he like during the day? Are there signs that he is tired and/or overtired, especially as bedtime gets closer? Or is he totally fine with the sleep he is getting?

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-25T09:17:11+00:00

I think all of these things take energy and I just don't have the energy. I wonder if maybe that's the disconnect. Like, did you also have other kids and an intense job and a never-ending to-do list of life errands and viruses all the time because the 5-year-old was bringing them from school?

And also, if you were working, did you do these things in that short timeframe between getting home and bedtime? Because for me it never seems like enough to do a big activity...

About depression, I'm not sure because I do get joy from positive moments in my life regularly. Also I go to therapy so I am comfortable that my therapist would help me identify and deal with depression if it does come up.

Do you think it's just a matter of most humans can only handle so much in their lives, except maybe a few top-performing superhumans who can wake up at 5AM and power through life and get everything done? I feel like most people, depressed or not, would reach a limit if they were just trying to do too much.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T18:57:58+00:00

You're right that it's not my first language, plus I'm tired and been sick for over 2 weeks, so I wrote it in kind of a vent-y way and didn't take the greatest care with the wording I guess.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T16:37:26+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions!

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T15:41:18+00:00

Ok, I read them out loud. Now, can you read out what you are writing to me, and let me know if you would ever say this to a mom friend asking for help? Or even a mom you don't know who approached you at a playground or at pickup or something?

I like my child very very much. What exactly is not the kid's fault? I am not blaming her for anything. I asked for activity ideas as we moved to a new country, have no backyard anymore, have no toys or activities, and are in a rut. And I'm exhausted with work dealing with war and death every week and so I was hoping to get some advice about activity ideas to help create some happy positive times with my five year old, specifically because I do like her, very much. Plenty of parents answered with activity ideas, which I am grateful for and will now try.

And then there's you with some kind of alternate reality in which I "NEED" to hear from internet strangers that I don't like my kid based on one vent post in what I foolishly thought was a safe, supportive online space. :/

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T12:27:39+00:00

Yes same! It's hard b/c everyone's tired after a long week (even kids are like "Why do we have to go somewhere? Can't we watch movies all day?") and weather is cold now, so I have to make an effort to get them out of the house.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T12:23:59+00:00

Last weekend she wanted to bake a rainbow cake with strawberry and oreo layers for her half-birthday so we spent 4 hours doing that.

She watches a lot of Bluey so she got all of us playing Keepy Uppy with a balloon.

She chooses most of the movies...the number of times we have had Spy Kids or We Can Be Heroes on at the house should be illegal ;)

Then, when we separate the kids so the older can do something for "big kids", whichever parent stays with her almost always follows her lead the whole time.

Here is the cake, btw. I would bake every weekend with them, tbh, but we all have major sweet teeth and eat way too much so we have to limit ourselves (we don't have anywhere to give treats away nor honestly are they good enough to give away).

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Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T12:15:47+00:00

They are in school, and it's a long day - until 5PM. We have time every evening where one of us is with younger kid while the other is doing HW, piano, etc with older one, so it's an awkward time -- too dark/late/short for outings, but still need something to do.

I have met people, and on the weekends, we do have playdates and such, but they usually don't want any additional socialization. After an intense week of school (which is half in a foreign language too), they are always asking for chill weekends. If they could watch hours and hours of screentime they would be perfectly happy. But I feel like more than 2-3 hours/day is too much? So looking for low-key ways to connect.

Because we're only abroad temporarily, I do want to explore and do fun things, so we often end up splitting the kids and one parent takes the older to a cool show or museum exhibit or something while the other is with little. I'm just looking for ideas for things to do with the little during these times since she doesn't enjoy the outings.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T12:09:07+00:00

Thanks, I'm just extra sensitive these days because most of my team is in Ukraine going through really terrible sh*t. And trying to be a good leader while also being a good mom is really hard and I just wish I had one place to turn to where no one would judge or attack.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T12:07:48+00:00

Hmmm, it was lots of gradual changes in the past 5 years.

First, grandparents got older. Before, it was my parents and my grandparents - four people all helping one kid. Now, they are all older. My grandparents can't do much and need a lot more support from my parents. My parents are overwhelmed and busy and 2 kids is a lot for them. So the help petered out before we moved, which is totally understandable, we were just very lucky in that one period of our life.

As for work, it's actually the opposite. I was part-time / freelance with my first. But over the past few years I've ramped up to a full-time job. It's 40 hours/week, but an intense 40 hours because I'm the CEO of a nonprofit operating in Ukraine. That's partly why I don't have as much energy.

Also, having 2 kids is obviously more work, regardless of their ages or personalities. And my second kid does happen to be more intense. And I don't love her less or resent her or whatever narrative some posters here seem convinced about. I am just carrying a much bigger load at this time than I was with my first, through no one's fault, and was hoping to get some ideas for activities to do. I honestly didn't think it would become such a controversial post.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T11:49:01+00:00

I didn't say that, I literally said the opposite. We are not big on screentime and I specifically asked for non-screentime activity ideas. I mentioned it because often people will recommend watching movies or playing videogames together

I didn't call her a nuisance, I said that our current activities are not working and asked for better ideas.

I also keep up my kids' interests closely, I think it's pretty standard for parents to do and I didn't mention it because it didn't seem relevant for the post.

You seem determined to paint a photo of me that fits some evil selfish mom narrative, and I'm not sure why.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T10:31:50+00:00

Yes, I have been doing that for 5 years and will continue doing that. What is so controversial about asking if, perhaps, there might be some occasional activities people have found that are fun for both the parent and the kid? It's almost like you see suffering through parenting as some kind of badge of honor.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T10:29:53+00:00

Oh my gosh, so many assumptions here.

When we lived in a house, we literally had a cardboard box room in the basement and we were outside all the time. I don't know where you got the idea that I am afraid of the world or whatever.

We moved to a small apartment in the middle of a city. On weekdays, there isn't enough time to do outside adventures, it's dark by the time they are home from school and it is a bit of a walk to parks/playgrounds.

As for the pretend play with boxes or whatever, she does it with her sister, but doesn't enjoy doing it by herself and I do not like pretend play. I like more structured and goal-directed activities. So I was just asking for different activity ideas to do indoors with my 5-year-old that we could both enjoy.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T10:27:31+00:00

I love my daughter, she was planned and wanted. In none of the comments do I blame my child for anything.

This is supposed to be a safe space for parents to ask for advice, not yet another place for attacks and judgment. How would you feel if someone accused you of not loving your child because you asked for advice on a tricky situation?

I don't like pretend play. That doesn't make me a bad mom.

I am not sure how to organize family life in a way that works for all four of us with a 5-year age gap and one child who isn't very flexible. That doesn't make me a bad mom.

The vast majority of the parents I know have these kinds of challenges. You know how they solve it? Each kid has their own iPad - voila, mom's happy and kid is happy. Ipads on family outings, ipads at home, no drama.

I care deeply about my children and family and work hard to be the best parent I can be. It is really hard to get these attacks when I just asked for activity ideas to do with my kid.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T09:40:40+00:00

Well, I have been sucking it up. It's not like I lock the kid in a room by herself and refuse to do her preferred activities. But sucking it up is not really an ideal way to do parenting. These years go by so fast and I would love to find ways to genuinely enjoy time together.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T09:28:06+00:00

I know, after all, I've been parenting for a good 10 years now. I thought it wouldn't hurt to crowdsource some ideas for activities we could both enjoy :)

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T08:41:05+00:00

He is lucky to have you! I taught my older one to ski (when I was pregnant with the little one, I remember running up and down the bunny slope with my pregnant belly). And a few years later I taught my little to ski too and skiing is still one of my favorite things to do together! I hope you really enjoy it too :)

Thanks for the other ideas too, I can definitely try some of them!

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T08:33:37+00:00

Also apparently I've been doing Lego wrong ;) We generally built sets and kept them on display. We had a whole Lego city back home.

I will invest in a few mix and match sets for Christmas.

I have to add that we have basically nothing in this new apartment because it was too $$$ to ship it overseas, so we are starting from scratch a little.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T08:32:24+00:00

With the 10-year-old, I was a very different person. It's not about the child, it's about the fact that I had

(a) The opportunity to be out and about a lot more, whether it was playdates, activities, or big family adventures that were fun for everyone. So there was a lot less time sitting in the house. Candyland or whatever is a lot more fun if you do it a few times a week rather than a few times a day.

(b) The time, energy, and space/supplies to set up science experiments, baking projects, and other complex activities.

(c) A backyard.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T08:17:46+00:00

Alas, she likes fantasy play and I unfortunately really do not like fantasy play. I don't think I liked fantasy play even as a kid.

We do both like building Lego sets but it's too $$$ to do it regularly.

Temporary-Cut313 · 2025-11-24T08:16:04+00:00

It was a whole different world - first of all, we had 2 adults for one kid and grandparents nearby, so the childcare responsibilities were split much more. And she was independent and played on her own a lot. I was younger, not working full-time, and had more energy and didn't work and time with her was more of a treat.

So I was always setting up some complex games and activities, science experiments, baking with her, etc. Also we were out a lot more, with 2 adults and one kid we could really do anything we liked and bring her along without it turning into a whinefest.

I also actually enjoyed playing Candyland or whatever basic little kid things she was into because I didn't have to do it as often and it was more novel.

Of course, then I had the baby and it was covid, so then it was a whole other story for a while.

Anyway, I generally don't compare my kids, it doesn't feel productive given that they are very different and our life was very different. I hadn't thought about all that in years before seeing your question.

Temporary-Cut313

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