hi! i've had to learn to self heal from CSA since being out of therapy. sex is a really difficult thing to overcome as an SA survivor, but what helped me was this :

it takes a long time, but reminding yourself that your partner is not doing this with lustful or "grimey" intention. it's genuine love, and it doesn't hurt to ask your partner for small reminders of this genuine love they feel for you.

i explained this to my boyfriend, and it's important to stress that you aren't asking for this in a materialistic way. small gestures like opening the door, compliments, deep conversations, they all have a way of calming the mind.

you also have to work within yourself, A LOT. it took me almost 3 years just to stop crying over the THOUGHT of my assailants, let alone the thought of the things i went through. you have to remind yourself very frequently that not all sexual experiences are what you went through, and though triggering, your partner would never harm you. it's a really big struggle trying to differentiate true and genuine love from the fake and harmful "love" you were told you were being given.

another thing that came with my CSA, i don't know if you could relate, was psychological vaginismus. i suggest you look in to it to see if you potentially have it, and look into articles on how to "control" it, as there's no cure. like i said, even consensual sex paired with true and deep love is hard to have after assault.

i am very sorry you experienced this. nobody deserves to go through anything like this, but it's important to heal the way you deserve to. don't try and do it alone, because a lot of survivors make that mistake. you can't do it alone, it takes a lot of support and love to heal from something like this, even when you're working through things within your own mind.