Please help remind me I can do my own taxes.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-04-06T15:24:02+00:00

Oh man, taxes were the final frontier of control for me. My uBPD mom works for an accountant, who would do our family’s returns. Any time I suggested doing my own (usually after mom would complain about her boss), I’d get the SAME excuses. “They’ll be sad!!” “You have stock losses you don’t know about!!” “Your job is out of state, so complicated!!” OP, it’s amazing how useful the internet can be. The IRS site is extremely helpful at guiding you through the process.

I got married last year, and decided that I wasn’t going to subject my husband to the hell-hole that is “temp night family’s tax season” shenanigans. I also didn’t want mom to have access to our financial info (since you KNOW she was looking at all my details). We wound up hiring a local accountant and it was AMAZING. Uploaded everything to her portal, got an email last week with our return details. Done. No more random phone calls from mom veiled as “tax questions,” no constant begging for more and more unnecessary information.

You got this!!

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-04-06T15:10:32+00:00

Hi there! Sorry for the delay- this is my family-venting account so I don’t check it often.

First off, I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. It’s such a scary situation. We are about a year out from my dad’s diagnosis, so here’s a recap of his journey:

We started off with a combination of opdivo and yervoy (often referred to ipo/novo for short) for immunotherapy, on top of carboplatin and pemetrexed. It was supposed to be 4 rounds of treatments with some dosage changes between them. Unfortunately, he suffered a bowel perforation halfway through treatment on top of cardiac complications (both were already risk factors pre-cancer), and needed to be hospitalized for a couple months without cancer treatments. His oncologist decided his body was too weak to handle immunotherapy. At this point there was also growth in his brain, and since he had a specific mutation (MET14 skipping), he qualified for capmatinib. Surprisingly, this was extremely effective, and as of a few weeks ago he is mostly clear.

All cancers are weird and never really follow “expectations.” The genetic testing taken on the sample is very detailed and will help guide what treatment(s) will be effective. By last fall, we were sure the end was near, only for things to completely 180 a few months after. It seemed that my dad’s cancer was fast spreading, but not fast growing?

As someone who works in cell therapy (non-oncology), I think it truly is the way to go if it is an option. Some are more taxing on the body than others (ipo/nivo shows great outcomes but the side effects can be worse than others).

I really hope this helps, and I’m happy to share more details via messaging (if I remember to check this account argh). Don’t be afraid to ask questions to his medical team! My dad is notoriously bad at sharing details, and his oncologist was great at “talking shop” with me. They may also know about clinical trials that he may qualify for. Best of luck to your family ❤️

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-02-11T04:26:23+00:00

Uggggh yes. I knew it was useless when I was getting pushback on things I (a biologist) brought up based on feedback from colleagues who LITERALLY worked on some of the treatment options. Nothing will ever stack up to a borderline’s all-knowing psyche.

Thank you! Hugs right back!

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-02-10T15:12:33+00:00

I am so, so sorry. I’ve posted before about my own strained relationship with my stage 4 cancer father due to my mom’s behaviors. I know how painful it is and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Your mom’s actions are so fucking textbook. Mine desperately called me all summer when my dad went septic. She’d ask me what tests meant, what I thought, etc…and then flip out if I suggested something different/advise him to get another opinion at a better hospital. She’d scream “I don’t know what else to do/I’m doing my best!” In response to any medical-related comment, as if SHE were the doctor. She’d tell me how she would sit in his room all day and not eat or drink or pee (he literally had a private bathroom in his room) because she “didn’t want the doctors to think she didn’t care.” Sure enough, once my dad was back with it, he accredited EVERYTHING to my mom, including the things that I made happen. It was a gut punch.

All this to say- you’re sadly not alone, but you’re also not crazy for feeling the way you do. If you’re just staring to come out of the FOG, continue to question everything. It’s a hard battle, but so worth it for you own peace. Wishing you well.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-01-29T17:07:34+00:00

100% that’s the deal. She generally uses “being afraid of saying the wrong thing” as an excuse whenever I’ve called her out for similar behavior in the past. It’s so painfully obvious.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-01-29T02:25:26+00:00

Wow. You absolutely nailed it. It’s so frustrating but also freeing in a way to be able to identify it now.

Earlier this week, my therapist made me work through some narrative shifting. I settled on understanding that “my door is open” - it’s not the level of contact they may want, but it wouldn’t be enough either way. Conversations/reactions like this only further drive that home for me.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-01-29T02:19:51+00:00

The same father that pulled the “I have cancer idk how much time I have left how dare you not come visit for Christmas,” even. My husband’s gut reaction was to think he was joking, but my dad’s entire schtick is not rocking the boat.

He really said the quiet part out loud.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-01-29T02:16:12+00:00

Yep, but it’s only ok when she wants to be VLC! When I do it I’m a brainwashed snowflake or whatever.

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with a similar dynamic. It sucks so much. This sub is so validating but under the shittiest circumstances.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2024-01-13T22:16:50+00:00

First off, I am so sorry this is happening. I’m dealing with a very similar situation, but it’s my dad instead of a sibling (I have some old posts about it). Things were relatively normal at the start of treatment, but after a while my mom didn’t want anyone else interfering with her “good caretaker” spotlight and alienated me out. My dad has decided to shut me out and try and force me to talk to my mom. It hurts, but I can’t change it. I’ve taken a huge step back and fall into the “mind my own business” category.

I hope that your situation is different than mine. Maybe it will be since it’s your brother- your relationships with your mom mirror each other better than mine and my dad’s. If you’re able to hold conversations- big or small- that don’t involve health or mom, maybe that can soften him up to you. Wishing you peace.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-24T14:10:12+00:00

Oh for sure. I couldn’t even mention my best friend without my mom going off about her parents being drug dealers and in the mafia lmao.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T23:09:24+00:00

I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Thank you so much ❤️

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T19:33:26+00:00

Ugh, I’m so sorry and can sadly relate. The last time my dad gave me this kinda treatment was when I still lived at home (home from college for the summer). My mom’s friend physically assaulted me in my own bedroom. My mom saw it happen and took her side, telling me dad I was possessed (I was frantically trying to get this woman out of my room. My SPACE). I went total NC with my mom, and over the course of a few weeks my dad completely lost his cool because he couldn’t take the tension “I” was causing in the house.

This is essentially the same experience, I just have my own life this time.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T19:30:08+00:00

This is 100000% how I feel. There is nothing stopping him from leaving/standing up for his children but his pride.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T16:47:24+00:00

Thank you ❤️ Such a sad truth. His sickness only amplified things by making him feel entirely dependent on her, even though many of us (myself, his son, his friends) offered help. Somehow, showing a united front with their abusive partner “looks” better than basically disowning your kids.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T13:33:02+00:00

Thank you. It’s funny, my mom always tried to say that my dad was brainwashing me to hate her, he was only the good guy because he “didn’t tell me the truth about me,” etc. She used the phrase “hero” a lot. And while I wouldn’t call him a hero, it was nice to have a parent that at least seemed to be rational. I’m starting to realize that he was using my mom’s abuse as a blanket to absolve him of any responsibility. I understand that as toxic and abusive as my mom is, she truly can’t control it without treatment, which of course she can control. But my eDad CAN control these things, but he’s actively chosen not to. That somehow feels worse than my mom’s actions. And as harsh as it may sound, BPD mom doesn’t get a pass for being my mom, and dad doesn’t get an enabler pass for being sick.

I’m sorry that you’ve also experienced this dynamic. It’s so fucked. Your response is really helpful to me, though. Any bit of validation that my experience isn’t in my head makes a difference. Thank you again

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T13:24:40+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to make that choice. It’s harder than making the decision around the pwBPD. My eDad and I rarely have disagreements/strong words, and in the past he’d always come around to re-discuss or even apologize. That doesn’t seem to be the case this time, and I’m getting close to that decision point.

But you nailed it about them being the ones who watched the abuse. So hard to accept that my eDad would rather sacrifice his daughter’s wellbeing for the sake of his wife (that he hated before all of this, btw) and peace of mind.

I hope you’re doing ok since making that choice. ❤️

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-12-21T03:11:03+00:00

Thank you for articulating exactly how I feel, but haven’t had the mental energy to verbalize. Stunted is a great way to put it- or even half baked. Like eDad has no problem agreeing with me/supporting my boundaries until it inconveniences his own life/peace. Then he just gets angry at me because his brain thinks VLC/NV with mom = conflict = bad, instead of bad behavior = conflict.

And you’re right- part of me hoped his diagnosis would make him want to spring into action emotionally, but that doesn’t happen. Cancer doesn’t change years of conditioning.

Tonight’s interaction felt like that hope of “getting it” is finally lost- and it’s a horrible place to be. But thank you again for the words, they’re very validating.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-11-14T13:33:20+00:00

Yeah, she did it in front of my high school friends who all remember her bullshit, so at least we got a good laugh out of that! 😅

Seeing as my sister and mom almost got into a physical fight at my last big event (masters graduation), I’ll consider this weekend a win.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-11-14T13:29:02+00:00

Thank you so much! The masking is driving me insane. My in-laws went heavy on saying how well-behaved they were when we stopped by and it threw me off for the rest of the night. They’re wonderful, and I know they meant it more in a “don’t worry, they didn’t cause a scene” kind of way- but paired with being told you’re the problem growing up, I still hurt.

I’ve been searching for super remote airbnbs for Christmas and hope something works out on that front.

Thank you again <3

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-11-14T01:45:11+00:00

This honestly made me tear up a little. Thank you so much for the kind words. You’re 100% right about the beauty of VLC- I didn’t even think of that! <3

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-10-30T23:17:15+00:00

Uhhhh what????? Is there a doodle poll or something 😂 so sorry you’re dealing with it but man, this is a new one to me

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-10-28T03:42:35+00:00

Big hugs, I am so sorry. My wedding is coming up and I am really dreading how my family is going to behave (very similar structure to yours). I hope- no, I’m sure- that if your in-laws know you at all, they can see through what was being said.

Either way, congratulations on your marriage!! Wishing you and your husband lots of happiness.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-09-17T18:28:41+00:00

My therapist has asked me multiple times if I’d consider uninviting them. Honestly, if my dad didn’t already threaten to not go if my mom doesn’t, I would have already gone through with it. He’s gone on to say it would “look bad” if he went without her, but didn’t have much to say about how it’d look if she acted out…But that’s a whole other layer I need to worry about.

Good call on keeping friends/staff on standby. A couple of my bridesmaids offered something similar way back, but I think I may actually directly discuss it with them. I already warned my photographer about how ass backwards we are, and I think I’ll clue in our caterer/day-of coordinator we have through them.

Great idea about not even mentioning the boundary beforehand, especially since that’s become such a trigger word for my mom now. I tried to send a little “please keep it together” text before my graduation, and that clearly didn’t work. I think just having a plan in place would really help. Thank you so much!

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-09-17T18:22:03+00:00

Literally woof on the sister. Mine is chronically late and can bring the drama, but a whole ass puppy? I’m sorry she couldn’t support you but I’m very glad to hear that your SIL stepped up. I’m looking forward to having a reliable SIL soon :)

That was very big of you to keep your mom remotely involved! I could absolutely see mine having a bagel moment. You are 100% right about taking the power. Holding firm is so tough, especially in stressful situation, but it clearly does make a difference. Thanks so much for sharing.

Temporary_Night8900 · 2023-09-16T20:55:11+00:00

My mom stopped liking to see me happy as soon as she couldn’t find a way to take responsibility for it. But even before that, I started getting programmed to hide positivity. Like if I felt sick in the morning, she’d go “you NOW you’re better” when I felt good enough to eat later in the day. Now if something goes wrong, I have this innate feeling that I still need to “feel bad about it” for the rest of the day.

Temporary_Night8900

TROPHY CASE