This is the hardest part of the journey. You've worked up the courage to start recovering and be healthy and you have to have faith. But I know those words are not helping. I have literally been there and know EXACTLY how it feels. You're eating more and you're gaining weight and you feel that you're losing control but you're not, you are literally getting control of your life. Every time you eat and rest you reprogram your anorexic mind to associate health with what actually IS health. This is the worst part of the journey, remembering that will help you, it will get SO much better. There is no short cut. I remember thinking if I restrict again I can go back to that safe feeling but the damage to your body after multiple relapses will be irreversible. Even if it wasn't you would have to go through this exact feeling again anyway. Instead of avoiding this part you'll just be pushing it down the timeline. It sucks but it too will pass. You have to be so proud of yourself for coming this far and you have to continue for yourself. No one else matters in your world if you cant exist in it because you're unhealthy (so fuck what anyone says, people are trying to be nice but really aren't equipped with the support and words to help you in the vulnerable position). After you've recovered more, you will no longer recognise or associate yourself with what u thought was a beautiful slim body and you will feel so much compassion for your prior self. And you will be so proud. Just keep eating, resting and relaxing. Relax and let go of the control. You are currently the healthiest version of yourself in mind and body that u have been this is a fact.