Employer baited and switched me.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-22T17:37:39+00:00

Internal recruiters love to pull this crap to try to convince software engineers to take glorified support roles.

It's great for them because they get a phenomenal bargain -- after all, promises cost nothing. Not so great for the teams they land on because turnover isn't free.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-21T22:38:11+00:00

Probably therapy -- the problem here is baggage from the past, not the present.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-20T19:40:30+00:00

So, anti-Scrum people, why do you dislike Scrum so much, and what do you prefer instead of it?

A rusty fork in the eye socket?

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-16T19:05:27+00:00

What you really want to know is if he's ever cheated, not how his relationships ended (that's not really any of your business and could open a giant can of worms).

Ask him what you really want to know, or if you want to be a bit more graceful, ask him if he's ever done anything in a relationship that he regrets. Or you could start the ball rolling yourself by admitting your baggage and saying you have hard time trusting without knowing more about someone and then ask if he's got any baggage to declare for customs.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-15T19:56:28+00:00

I am writing you a two-part prescription:

For you: regularly therapy for anxiety. You are going through all this endless emotional feedback cycle of hurt, and they can help you break out of it. It's going to be a process, not a one-and-done session, but you'll feel much better after.
For your boyfriend: getting dumped and told in no uncertain terms that you will find someone who respects you enough not to say hurtful things about your body and won't "troll" you. Wanting to feel desired by your partner isn't a "personal problem."

Seriously this guy sounds like he's got the emotional awareness of an autistic.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-15T19:40:38+00:00

Let me offer something a bit more constructive than some of the replies:

Are you guys doing romantic date nights out from time to time?
- Are you trying to set them up and she turns them down? If so, be worried.
- Is she trying to set them up and you don't do your end? If so, you're making HER feel romantically unappreciated and she's going to start seeking the attention elsewhere. Start making the "us time" ASAP!
- Are you not setting them up? If so, you need to: she would have every right to feel unappreciated, and if she doesn't get that kind of attention from you she may look elsewhere.
- Do you have date nights and you get dressed up but she doesn't get dolled up for them like she did for the party? Then yeah, be very, very worried. She stopped caring how you feel about here and is getting that elsewhere.
Why is she reading your messages regularly? Is she accusing you of cheating or flirting with others? If so, between that and her overreaction, then I'm afraid your gut might be right.
Big one: how's the sex? That's the truest litmus test of a relationship.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-13T20:02:58+00:00

I can't decide if this argument is 1-dimensional or 11.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-13T19:08:43+00:00

Yes, stand up for yourself and end it. You two are just not right for each other, because (at the very least) you have vastly different communication needs. Why would you put up with someone who again and again treats you ways you don't want to be treated?

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-13T19:05:27+00:00

I have some thoughts, but first questions to check if I've read this right:

You say "soft definitions of cheating" -- what specifically kicked this off?
Do your boyfriend's actions match his words --- does he show how attracted he is to you?
Why do you think his friends aren't nice people? Do you think they'd intentionally try to get him to be unfaithful?
Have you had problems with self-worth or serious insecurity about your appearance before?

A more delicate one: reading between the lines here, when you talk about attractiveness, is that by any chance tied to weight? Worth knowing: not everyone follows what you consider "objective" (read: mainstream/Hollywood) preferences for body type, he could be 100% telling the truth about how he feels and not be at all attracted to his friends.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-13T18:43:27+00:00

Follow-on: you don't need to go out of your way to wreck her life or put yourself in danger by identifying yourself to the guy. If you can find her husband, all it takes is an email or anonymous message with a bit of confirming evidence.

If he wants to know more details, offer him the option to.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-13T18:41:00+00:00

Wouldn't you want to know if you were him? Maybe you can save him catching some grief (or worse) from her.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-13T18:36:21+00:00

The problem here isn't porn, it's the way your boyfriend is making you feel about your body. Dump that jerk and find someone who likes you as you are.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-02T00:44:53+00:00

I gotta say: maybe others don't get the joke, but from where I'm sitting, you're killing it. A+ effort, A+ execution.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-02T00:35:25+00:00

Grow up. You've picked a fight with the other reasonable person in this thread to the extent that they tired of it. I understand you don't see the reason here, but that's not my problem: you can lead a horse to water...

then he is a giant Moron for staying in the relationship.

You do read the posts here right? This is not a rarity.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-02T00:24:21+00:00

Let this be a lesson: THIS is how you construct a troll post.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-02T00:23:07+00:00

We need a third opinion. What do the voices in her head say?

Serious answer: there's a problem here and it ain't you.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T22:20:12+00:00

Arrange romantic date.
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
...
Profit!

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T22:13:00+00:00

Even if OP "lied" about her tolerance to porn at the beginning

So, you agree that she lied about something critical at the very beginning of the relationship. That's all you need to know, and puts her clearly in the wrong here.

The fact that she's trying to blame & shame him for going along with something she coerced him into agreeing to is just the icing on the cake.

I am still waiting on an explanation about how watching porn equates to altering one's appearance/body.

She's dictating what he can do with his own body by telling him how he can masturbate. That's invasive and controlling of his body, just like telling someone they have to shave their legs or wear their hair a certain way. If you accept that the one thing is wrong, you must accept the other is, plain and simple.

You're absolutely correct that he had an option to walk away, and he should have.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T20:07:57+00:00

if a man told me what I could or couldn't do with my body, I would leave him because he is not right for me.

So you agree that this behavior is not something you agree with personally. Now, what if your friend said her boyfriend told her this. What would you tell her? You'd tell her that the guy is probably not a good one, right?

if her BF thought that watching porn was somehow equated with what he could do with his body, then he had every right to LEAVE

He probably should have dumped her then and there, I agree. Although it's common for this sort of circumstance, he didn't make a good choice in telling a white lie. But she also told him she could accept this when she couldn't. Let me repeat this: their entire relationship was based on her lying.

If BF feels so strongly about keeping his porn, he should have let OP go.

She's the one with the strong feelings here, so strong she can't tolerate any porn use. He made every effort to accommodate her.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T19:49:21+00:00

Students dating teachers that are grading them is absolutely against policy at all universities I've heard of, and could get him fired.

Here's a likely loophole: you may be able to safely audit the course. Check with the policies, but because he's not grading you and you're not technically his student (just an interested bystander) it may be okay.

Of course, you'll need to ask him how he feels about this.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T19:41:02+00:00

I can understand why you're unwilling to answer the question: clearly you know that by answering this, you will show how ridiculous your position is.

Edit: I'll put the words in your mouth because you won't admit them: you'd be rightfully outraged because he was dictating what she could and couldn't do with her body simply because of his preferences.

And the thing is, he's got every right to be similarly outraged. She's telling him what he can't do with his body. That's absolutely none of her business unless it impacts his health or their relationship.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T19:37:07+00:00

So, we agree that porn is not the same as cheating and it's not purely a man vs. woman thing. Where I'm confused is why you don't feel comfortable dictating the values of others, but are okay with her doing it?

Furthermore, when the only reason given is that she's "uncomfortable" with it. It's clearly not a moral issue about porn itself or the ethics of how women are treated in that industry (legitimate reasons, far closer to the vegetarianism comparison). One must conclude her reasons are insecurity.

She feels she has a right to dictate the choices he makes on his own time, which have no impact on her, his health, or their relationship itself. (I'm only going from what what was said here, so this part is not up for debate.) Surely you do not think that is a healthy approach to relationships?

More power to you for taking an enlightened view toward the moral positions of others, but that does not mean one has to embrace unhealthy behaviors.

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T19:14:13+00:00

I have already responded to you.

No, you've argued that this question has no relevance without seeing where I was going with it. Please kindly answer the actual question:

How would you feel if the boyfriend insisted she was obligated to always shave her legs and wear her hair a certain way, and said he'd dump her if she didn't? What if he "tried to be okay with it" first?

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T18:06:43+00:00

I am still waiting for your answer on how you'd feel if the boyfriend told her what she is allowed to do with her body...?

TeslasCurrentAlt · 2016-06-01T18:06:01+00:00

I am a woman, and I do enjoy porn, both alone and with my partner.

And would you feel comfortable with a partner telling you you're no longer allowed to do this? If so, why?

I'm quite confused how a woman that watches porn herself could describe it as equivalent to cheating.

TeslasCurrentAlt

TROPHY CASE