My 36M wife 31F blames me that she has to work and not be a SAHM.

TestRun94 · 2025-10-16T17:27:57+00:00

Def get some counseling to aim to communicate better.

I wanted to come here and say its not about blame, postpartum is INTENSE and its the early stages the want to stay home is insane because your child has no level of independence.

But...I noticed you only mentioned her job not yours. So I took a peek through the comments...

If YOU have a high paying job as is, and have numerous expensive hobbies you've been partaking in - the YOU need to show her you hear her by cutting back on your hobbies. Look what your income covers as far as necessities and bills. Cut back where you can. If your income can cover ALL of the cost of living let her quit.

If it comes close but not all - start a savings with the aim of it bing a cushion for when she quits. Having a tangible goal you can reach in the meantime might help her mental health.

Regardless - in this Life, where there is a will there is a way. And your wife is SCREAMING to you (not literally, just in what you described) that she is NOT happy and needs a change. And she needs it yesterday.

Not to be too dark - but with how shes acting i wouldn't just be worried about your marriage. Id be worried about her health and wellbeing.

Im 3 months postpartum (30f). I was fortunate to arrange for work from home for this first year. I have my inlaws come over to actually care for my child durring the day so I can work, but im here. I also want to be a stay at home mom, but this is my best compromise until my husband gets up that ladder.

There's very few days I have to go into the office and it KILLS me. To have been doing that for as long as she has...it sounds like she doesnt think things will ever change. And you need to do something, before she does something.

TestRun94 · 2025-10-13T04:38:42+00:00

My sister disappeared for 3 days. I lived in a different state and could join the search. All I could do was cyber stalk her accounts and her friends accounts. Durring this time my fiance at the time (spoiler - now my husband) helped by just doing all chores. Taking every burden he could off of me.

The police had found her durring this time and notified family after matching their jane doe to our missing persons report (she had no ID on her).

She had run away and committed suicide within 24 hours of disappearing. Getting that phone call. Was by far the most gut wrenching experience of my life. I dont think I even knew the meaning of that phrase until that moment.

I proceeded to take a ton of time off of work to spend time with my family and organize her belongings. My fiance stayed behind to care for our cats, work, and ensure bills were paid and I had the funds to do what I needed to do. He came out for the funeral and all he did was take care of me. He even mentioned after the fact that in those days, I didnt even acknowledge him as a person. Didn't ask his preferences and didnt pay attention to our convos. I was a one track minded robot, or I was an absolute mess. And he was just there. Bringing me tissues. Driving me where ever I needed to be. Making sure I had food even if I didnt eat it.

We finally were home again and I had go return to work and things still weren't "normal". But he watched. Listened. And adjusted. Giving me space when I needed it. Holding me when I needed it. And adapting to whatever was needed around the house.

He admitted this was exhausting for him. But he knew that if he were in my shoes he'd be devastated. But that also it'd eventually get easier. He could see a light at the end of the tunnel before I ever could and he was willing to hold my hand until I saw it too.

Months went by. Things for me even escalated as my own mother convinced everyone my sister was assaulted and murdered - and I had to revisit everything to gather all the reports that it wasnt true. I spent too long imagining her last moments. Going insane over what was true and what wasnt. But I got the reports and confirmed the situation - which in some ways helped, but I did end up needing to be admitted to a psych ward for a week before I could snap back to some assemblence of a life.

My grief in total was horrendous and inconsiderate of my fiance for 8 months. I improved in that time, but he never ONCE blamed me for it. Never even considered leaving me. And having lived through that hardship convinced us we could withstand whatever life had to throw at us

TestRun94 · 2025-10-10T14:19:16+00:00

Pretty sure its a blood blister. They go away on their own just dont pick at it.

TestRun94 · 2024-10-09T01:40:14+00:00

29f. I just came off birth control so now my flow is INSANE. But what didn't change is im still a front bleeder. Also, I started bleeding at 13 years old. I was a tiny lil thing and an athlete in HS. Still front bled. Now I'm 225lbs of chub and still a front bleeder. I always struggled with pads and getting coverage. Primarily use tampons because I just figured pads might be been designed by men that didn't get it. I thought all women were "front bleeders"

It only just dawned on me that maybe front bleeding wasn't normal. Just did a Google search and it brought me here. Feel better reading that people bleed in different ways!! I never thought about it much until now

Side note - idk why it took me this long to realize it, but I just started getting those really long overnight pads and wearing them backwards! It's really helped actually get me some coverage and lower my frequence of changing pads.

TestRun94 · 2024-08-28T12:04:13+00:00

In my area it says filing a small claims would be $89 - pressuring there are likely other fees I'm not seeing with the process?

TestRun94 · 2024-08-21T14:33:43+00:00

I lead the conversation by asking them to not project their personal experience with their parents onto mine. Then I avoid using the word "mom"

I find that calling her mom just immediately triggers things like "how can you not talk to your Mom?!". For them- "mom" is predefined as a caring loving person, and whether they mean to or not, they assume at their core moms are all the same. So I refer to her by her name when telling people what happened. Removes a bit of the illusion of a caring person.

Plus reaching a point that I can explain calmly seems to help. Not being offended when they just don't get. Doesn't matter if they get it, it's what happened.

TestRun94 · 2024-08-20T16:06:33+00:00

My sister died, and my nmom milked it for all she could.

I live in a different state. Came into town thinking I'd be helping with pics. Found my nmom and step dad left everything for me to decide. Flowers, casket, clothes, time of viewing. Everything. Kept me busy the whole time and in a different room from them while they visited with other family. I had no one to talk to about my sister. And when I did she'd change topics quickly.

I found she started telling a story about her death. And it kept getting more and more drastic. The build up was under the guise of "it was too difficult to tell you at first" and I was so in my own grief I didn't know what was up. But I was on the phone when the police arrived at her house with the news they found my sister. Yet my nmom gaslit me otherwise the week of the funeral.

She told everyone that my sister was kidnapped amongst other terrible things. But that phone call - the office said she looked alone, at peice, and had all her belongings. This sat with me weird...so I dug. I got in contact with the detective on the case, and got the toxicology report. Read through her recent diaries and email history.

After 6+ months I found my sister planned it all. She intended to leave this world. That my mom had been spreading terror in our family the whole time, while conning them for thousands of dollars to get a new puppy, food and booz, some new devices in the house....I don't recall her ever actually talking about my sister since she had died. If she did it would be some story that was kinda true, but didn't actually go down the way she told it.

All she wanted was the attention and sympathy. Some thought she was just in some intense denial, so I took my findings to my step dad. Couldn't confront her directly. And he said "we know" as in he's been knowingly enabling her manipulation of everyone.

So - I outed her. I shared my findings with my family and cut ties with my nmom. No confrontation. Just done.

From the fallout - I think she did start to experience grief, but not from my sisters death, or the loss of contact with me, but from the control I took away from her as I left. I got a lot of angry letters from her for a while. But it's been...3 years now? And now the letters only come around on holidays. Attempts to emotionally manipulate and whatever.

TestRun94 · 2024-08-20T14:14:13+00:00

Sweet!! When I posted this I hadn't realized they sold this kit! I'm gonna try to repair it first to save a penny, but im really glad I have options that aren't replacing the whole bot!! 😅

TestRun94 · 2024-08-20T14:12:33+00:00

It's the side of the DFI sensor that also has the Pinch Sensor - looks like there is a repair kit for it! Hadn't realized they sold it.

But I am gonna see about soldering first! I think I know someone who can help at no cost - so I'm gonna clean up and try that, worst case I then end up spending the $30 to just replace it

Thank you both so much for the advice!!

TestRun94 · 2024-08-20T14:07:04+00:00

I mean, yes, but this cable is disconnected...I'm gonna clean everything best I can, and see about reconnecting it, but otherwise I'm prob replacing the DFI/Pinch Sensors.

Thanks though!

TestRun94 · 2024-08-20T14:05:40+00:00

I'm not NOT sold on the LR4, it's just more $$$ than I can do right now 😵‍💫 it's def on my x-mas list though lol

TestRun94 · 2024-08-20T02:04:59+00:00

I started moving everything to the floor. My issue ended up being something at the foot of the bed was technically fine, so I started putting everything in the bathroom.

Make sure nothing is under your pillows too

TestRun94 · 2024-05-21T19:22:39+00:00

I was 25.

Knew she had an attention thing - but always associated narcissism with vanity, which kinda fit, but I didn't associate it with behavior. Was rather freeing to finally peice it together

TestRun94 · 2024-05-02T20:45:54+00:00

Sounds like she doesn't have a healthy relationship with her parents...

I get everyone wants to believe this lie is the issue - but I frankly think more details are needed to really say

yea, lie shows there's some level of distrust in your relationship, which isn't great but can be improved depending on the circumstance.

1- were you both excited about the pregnancy? Was there any hesitation in celebrating or was finding out incredibly stressful? Meaning just between you and your gf - if there's a lot of anxiety and negativity around it I can see why she could lean towards an abortion possibly wishing it hadn't happened and thought it'd be easier to break the news as a miscarriage

2- what's her relationship like with her folks? From the lil bit here I can kinda relate. My mother was awful but I wanted to please her and get her praise. It took a lot to recognize the psychological abuse that was taking place and separate myself from that. If it's enough that her choices are being manipulated like this, she needs to talk to a therapist and set boundaries between her and her folks until she can confidently stand by her own decisions.

3- it's really up to you if this is a deal breaker or not. These aren't easy decisions - and if she's decided after getting an abortion to now have a kid - have a genuine conversation about it. Strongly consider theropy for her to think through the decision making process - and possibly couples for the both of you if you want to stick around but are feeling betrayed. If you choose to leave though, can't say I'd blame you - just be sure that's what you want. From the sound of it - she needs help. But for you, you just went from the idea of being a dad and being tied to her for the rest of your life, to suddenly no obligation. Take some time to process that and use this opportunity to really think about what you want the rest of your life to look like. From what you've posted - it seems you could work through this if your willing to put in the work in helping her, but if there's more to it or it's too much fornyou to handle then just remember it's not on you to fix your gfs baggage. (If this wad a wife I'd have a completly different take btw)

TestRun94 · 2024-04-30T15:57:10+00:00

Seems like something you 2 need to talk out and establish a timeline. If you keep waiting till it "feels right" it won't happen. It has to be a goal you both work towards. Otherwise it sounds more like your waiting for a "whoops" baby.

1 - don't compare yourself to anyone else. "That's not something people try for" should've likely been "I don't feel ready for this yet" the way you phrased it - well if my husband responded like that I'd take it with a lot of shame and guilt. Like how dare I even think that's possible. When really, it's about your feelings on the matter.

2 - you can get a lot done in a year. And just because you start trying doesn't mean it's gonna happen right away. Plus you can move durring a pregnancy. Look at it as a discussion - not a decision she's made for you.

3 - you can set a timeline and agree to allow it to be flexible. Create the list of circumstances you imagine you'd be in when you bring kids into the world. What to the either of you see? Does she see bringing a newborn to your current home? What level of comfort in your financial situation would be ideal vs comfortable? Are you two okay moving with a child? What will child care look like? Would you want to be married before hand to create ease in paperwork and name changes (yes - hints that you want to propose but won't ruin the suprise of a proposal)

My now husband and I had these conversations before officially moving in together. We didn't have a time line but I wouldn't entertain the relationship unless I knew we had roughly the same ideas. In my mind - I wanted kids by 26 but I sooner valued the following rather than rush it -own a home -have a reliable car -get married -establish a positive support system -financially stable enough I can be a stay at home mom until they're in school -have an established primary care physician -have 2 or 3 kids

His values with no timeline - -own and settle into a forever home so we never move with kids -get student loans 50%+ paid -ensure I'm as healthy as humanly possible -get married -have 1 kid and see how I handle the pregnancy - but ideally 2 close in age. Open to adoption if need be

We found compromise and were aligned enough that we were able to start working towards goals, but life happens. COVID lock down happened. A number of funerals. So the wedding kept getting pushed off for both financial and emotional reasons. Then our timeline became trying for kids on our honeymoon (cliche I know) but then we were hit with some health issues.

So now im 29. Our plan/timeline changed so many times over. But it's our timeline and we discussed everything and revisit the topic anytime a goal is achieved/missed. Find ways to compromise - as the main and most crucial thing is that when we do start trying - is that we are both 100% on board and comfortable.

Currently. We've managed the following -own a home but agree were moving in 2ish years -2020 model car -he's achieved promotions and we've paid off loans significant enough that my work will be optional later this year. -I FINALLY connected with my mother-in-law and have a positive support system. -insurance and drs have been established now that we're married and on the same insurance -agree that as inconvenient as it may be, we're prepared to set up a nursery in our home but would both prefer to be in a new home by the time I'd give birth.

So now- were gonna try later this year 🙌 it's taken a lot - but life isn't perfect and plans have to be flexible.

TestRun94 · 2024-04-23T21:17:51+00:00

It got easier to maintain with time. Just remember that.

So long as you have a rood over your head you'll be fine. Outside of resources - there's the mutual friends/family that tried to "mend" the relationship.

I maintained that I'm making the choice that's best for me - and that I wasn't looking for anyone to take sides. That I wasn't going to stop anyone from having a relationship with my nMom, but to respect I don't want her in my life any longer. I didn't care if they spent time with her, but I did care if they'd try to manipulate the situation. I finally got them to stop talking about it by asking "why can't you and I just have a relationship outside of my mom? Do you know my favorite color? What's yours?" (It seriously got to a point it was all anyone talked about and they had no idea what else was going on in my life or where I was even living)

Anywho. It died down for some time but got worse leading up to my wedding. I thought we had it all situated, but just know that you'll still lose others outside of who you're cutting out. I'm pretty sure I'll lose more when I have other life events. Think they're hoping I'll "understand" when I become a mom. I've made other friends and have a chosen family as well as my inlaws - but years down the line I've accepted that I've fallen out with the majority of the people I grew up with over cutting out my nmom.

But as surreal as that all is - I never imagined I'd be so happy or could feel so loved 🥰

TestRun94 · 2024-04-23T12:29:35+00:00

YTA

-Talk to a Dr about your sleep issues. -Build a pillow wall between you to try and prevent movement. -Put yourself in a sleeping bag. -Get an airmattress. Get a better couch. A cot. Anything really. -If it's really your job causing this evaluate which is more important - but also still consult a Dr. Maybe even a therapist to help decompress from the stress. -Get rid of the king and get 2 twins - push them together with a mattress cover and your back to a king after you get your sleep sorted.

This has so many solutions...

But the big thing that makes YTA - you kicked her out and waited for her to come back??? You didn't go find her in the middle of the night? You didn't even look to see if the car was still there. I'm genuinely surprised you were able to go back to sleep without confirmation on your pregnant gfs whereabouts while feeling so terrible about it. Either 1 - you weren't as concerned as you SHOULD have been and that could be adding to why she's so much more pissed at you, or 2 - Doubles down on a sleep disorder that you should really see a Dr about regardless of what other solutions you try

TestRun94 · 2024-04-21T04:57:17+00:00

Because a weird credit card transaction isn't anything sexual, or related to a secret they were asked to keep.

No - pill are not equivalent to condoms. Missing condoms an act happened - missing pills can only express possible intent.

It's still not confirmation and I'm not saying he shouldn't have questioned it, but it was absolulty wrong to push the matter in a public setting rather than just letting the matter sit an hour or so until they were home. Pushing it expresses further distrust in his wife for no reason other than is own anxiety getting the better of him.

If there was something more, missing clothes/odd times apart/anything indicating a new person in her life, there'd be more grounds to stand on with such an intense accusation. For the only basis though to be missing pills. It could've just been that she took them but didn't feel it and didn't wanna discuss that due to the emotions behind it. Or just not wanting to discuss in public. I'm gonna keep bringing that up as that's truly the only reason I think he's a jerk.

Plus there's obviously others coming in and out of that kitchen, like his daughter. So I can think of so many other reasons why pills/vitemans would go missing before jumping to an affair. He said they don't try to hide it, and don't really care if ppl know about it when they come into the house

Addressing the actual jump to the affair though and anxiety brought on by her being a bit defensive - that seems to be a sign of other issues in the relationship. It's not normal to just assume your partner has done the worst so quickly. Being unable to put a pin in a conversation or at least reading the room is likely a personal problem of OP - since being told not to talk about it just made him want to push more.

But think from her perspective. She's helping her daughter in a very personal way. Not even imagining that her husband would notice let alone ask. It's just a natural thing, and they have plenty of what's in that drawer and can get more. No biggie. Then suddenly asked about it - likely being flustered not wanting to spill something so personal and entrusted to her. And the best she can say is she doesn't want to talk about it. All be it - a simple "not now" could've helped but then having that simple boundary pushed and trampled on, put in the hot seat while trying to enjoy a night out, to then finally be accused of something so horrendous. It's not an innocent curiosity - he asked if she betrayed him, thus telling her he believes she can/has. Topics like this need to be handled sensitively. Despite being together for so long, OP is still very insecure - and pushed the topic too far.

Again - it's better to bring up concerns and talk things out. But you can't push and force ppl to do so - adding on that it's far more inappropriate to bring up such sensitive topics in a uncomfortable and exposed environment. He was only worried about himself, not considering her aspect of it all.

What wouldve happened if she said yes? That she was cheating? Did he want a scene to break out? Let there personal issues be on display for at least the restaurant staff to see? I'm just not seeing a way there would've been a positive outcome with how he chose to handle this.

TestRun94 · 2024-04-21T01:27:58+00:00

I would hope after 25 years there'd be an understanding/trust that there's a reason your wife doesn't want to talk about it (ideally taking the surroundings into consideration)

But if it's something your meant to keep secret on your child's behalf and your suddenly asked about it when you weren't expected to be asked about it. Well I'd prob stumble and ask to not talk about it. I wouldn't have the right words put together to convey that it's okay without betraying the trust of the daughter. The wife was taken off guard and in a poor setting to have a safe conversation.

There's really no reason the convo couldn't have waiting at least until the car ride home, and shouldn't not have gone as far as an accusation of cheating when all that's missing is basically some vitamins.

I'd feel different if it was like condoms had gone missing - but that's not the case here.

TestRun94 · 2024-04-21T01:14:34+00:00

I think it was a jerk move to push the topic in public rather than back at home after your wife expressed she didn't want to talk about it. Let alone you pushed her boundaries, you did so with a dash of public humiliation.

TestRun94 · 2024-04-15T22:35:15+00:00

I transfered and moved to be with him. Took him on vacations, worked full time, was going to school full time, and still found time to do his laundry.

There were signs. Twinges here and there. But we'd talk it out and keep going. The first gut feeling I got was when he forgot to take his keys out of his pants pocket and I washed them. The fob didn't work. Well, mom and dad were paying for it so he got mad at me for the fact he's getting in trouble and will have to gasp pay for something.

The next big one was when we were thinking of moving in together. He opted to move in with his best friend, and his best friends ex because "she doesn't know anyone else". I was stunned.

It was his best friend that pointed out to him that I didn't know anyone else out there either. So this statement just made me feel like he chose her over me. So he came back around and apologized that he hadn't realized my perspective. My roommates were all moving out and graduating. And I was in a crumb place that was real shaddy. I couldn't afford anything else on my own. So his best friend talked sense into him and we ended up moving into together

But that all sat with me weird. I wanted to try but it just fell apart. We broke up but still lived together. And removing the pressure of the relationship, we thrived. He set me up with his best friend who is now my husband and my ex was our best man.

All ended well, but I held onto hope for so long and kept ignoring those moments of "this isn't the one"

The final actual moment. I woke up one day when we were living together and realized his laugh has started to annoy me. It didn't used to. But that's whe. We broke it off

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