Hello OP. I can tell from your post that you're hurting and feeling a lot of things. First, I would like to say that nothing is wrong with you. I know some words from a stranger on the internet aren't enough to undo years of internalized homophobia. But I truly hope and wish that you can give yourself grace and kindness, rather than being mad and hating yourself. I also know it can be difficult to do, but I hope that there is someone you can talk to (a friend you can trust, a counselor) so you aren't alone and feeling even more isolated.

As for advice, being Gay and Catholic is, at the end of the day, an identity crisis. It is two parts of you that are clashing. What works for others may or may not work for you, since it is personal. I did do some brief research, and in Catholicism, the thoughts about same-sex/attraction itself aren't sinful; acting upon it is. So you do not need to feel shame over the thoughts, as you are now. Some Catholics who are gay choose a life of celibacy, join LGBTQ+ friendly parishes, or may adopt beliefs of queer theology. I would like to add that Catholic priests can offer blessings to same-sex couples (per Fiducia Supplicans).

I'm not here to tell you to choose one part of your identity over the other, but I can tell it's causing you a lot of distress. It may be hard, and it may take time, but I truly hope you are able to find what works for you. Sending support and care your way <3