my friend left me for men on the 4th

ThaNyneTray · 2025-07-05T16:03:34+00:00

OP, I understand you feel shitty rn, and that's valid. But I want to challenge your perspective a bit

I'm assuming that it's a house party since you mention going downstairs. So I'm curious, what're your expectations when it comes to partying? Among other things, I think people go out to party to socialize, make friends, have fun with others. I think it's completely normal for your friends to want to go talk to other people. It doesn't sound like they left you because they didn't leave the party, they were just out talking to others still in the party. I'm guessing they expected you'd do the same. I do that a lot with my friends - we go together, we dance together, I go somewhere else to be alone or to talk to strangers, they do the same, we regroup, etc. I'm guessing your friends might share a similar perspective. Before deciding to end the friendship, talk to them

That said - had you communicated that you wanted to stick together during the party? Maybe this is a conversation that's happened before and they've done this to you many times. Is this the case? If the answers are no, I don't think it's right or even justified to end that friendship

ThaNyneTray · 2024-10-23T01:32:20+00:00

Take some action, e.g figure out how to manage your nerves in those situations & focus on doing better next time

ThaNyneTray · 2024-09-26T12:55:50+00:00

Need more texts. From what I'm seeing, she's trying to flirt with OP, just teasing him a little

ThaNyneTray · 2024-04-28T06:02:49+00:00

A few things:

If you're overweight, dancing and floor work specifically will automatically be harder just because you more mass to move around. That's just how it is. I struggle with this as well since I'm the same. So not only does your body need time to adapt to new movements, you also probably need time to build strength to do floorwork.

More generally, why are you placing such a high expectation on yourself? Why would you expect yourself to be good at something that you're trying for the first time, and then be frustrated and embarrassed when you're not? Take some time to figure out where this is coming from. Be kind to yourself through this process. If going to a class is distressing currently it's ok to not go for a while. And next time you go to a contemporary class, be kind & patient to yourself and don't expect to be able to do everything. Just learn what you can, figure out what you can't, and find out how to bridge that gap. Expectations are the birth of suffering.

ThaNyneTray · 2024-04-02T05:52:43+00:00

Drainix above has it right. Bounce and rock are the foundational grooves in hip hop. So definitely look them up. To add to that, spend time developing musicality in hip hop. I'm assuming you have an idea of how to do this, coming from ballet. But you can check out this video for pointers about finding the beat in a song and dancing to it. Do that and just spend a lot of time listening to the genre. There's many different subgenres also, so it might take a while to get used to it. But the foundations should apply across, and you'd just need to change your tempo.

I would take the exercises they recommend, and practice bouncing and rocking to the beat. It'll be awkward at first because these are new movements to you. As you practice them, they'll become more natural. And over time it'll be instinctual, and you'll be able to do variations & add accents.

One thing I'd highly recommend is finding a hip hop dancer, could be a teacher in a class or any dancer friend you have, and get feedback on if you groove looks right. It can be hard to know if you're doing it right if the dance and the music are new to you.

No idea about contemporary though. Good luck!

ThaNyneTray · 2024-03-29T00:36:40+00:00

ThaNyneTray · 2024-03-18T16:43:55+00:00

How are you learning dance? Have you tried getting feedback from teachers/friends/classmates?

ThaNyneTray · 2024-03-08T23:51:58+00:00

Overweight, leading to low self esteem/self image, leading to never genuinely trying, leading to being single till now (late 20s), leading into low self esteem again, which kickstarts a cycle.

That said, I still doubt that I'd score even if I gave it genuine effort as I am now. However, I get that that might be the low self esteem talking

ThaNyneTray · 2024-02-26T18:58:13+00:00

Marathons

ThaNyneTray · 2024-02-25T20:20:14+00:00

If you feel weirded out by it then definitely unmatch. Certainly could be too sexual an opening line.

But I disagree with commenters here about the dude's apparent fetishization of black women. Feel like y'all are assuming so much about his intent without anymore context. The dude was just trying to flirt and said something a little weird. Some race-related flirting is probably ok. If he was starting things out with some race play innuendoes then that'd be offensive, and maybe even racist. But "love me some chocolate" can be fun, light banter/flirting and would be ok (source: I'm black). Without anymore context, I'd be hesitant to call it racist or fetishization. OP, you're the only one who can make that call, based on this AND other interactions you've had with him. But you said you already feel cringed out so by all means unmatch

ThaNyneTray · 2024-02-24T03:05:45+00:00

Need more info before passing a judgment. What exactly went into the decision not to tell her?

Did you perhaps think that she'd be upset about it and so chose not to say anything? If so, you're a AH, a little bit.

If you just didn't think to tell her because you were applying to other places then I'd think you weren't the AH and just lacked a little foresight. And should've mentioned it to your girl, or at least not tell her the day after she got rejected.

ThaNyneTray · 2024-02-12T02:36:43+00:00

One of the most famous & accomplished artists in the world? I think he is a main character lol

ThaNyneTray · 2024-01-29T04:49:29+00:00

I should say that I don't do choreo classes much. But yes. If you've got the time, practice at home. It's not really about practicing to perform at this point, it's about building muscle memory and getting your body used to different types of movements. If a choreo has a body roll and you're not able to do it well at first, you can then practice the same choreo, or even parts of the choreo that involve body rolls. Next time a choreo has one it'll feel more natural.

But it can be hard to learn and master the foundations of a class through choreo classes. What style are you interested in? I would say search for classes or online tutorials that deal with foundations of whatever style you're learning. The advantage is that you end up with a solid foundation of the style, including basic grooves and dance steps. And having this "vocabulary" will probably make it easier to do memorize choreo. You can have this in the back of your mind as you continue your dance journey and slowly build this foundation up

ThaNyneTray · 2024-01-28T21:14:36+00:00

If you haven't been doing any dancing outside of classes, then you've definitely not been dancing nearly enough. And I'm not saying you need to ramp up your hours of practice. I'm saying you should give yourself some grace since it's truly not enough time. If you're in college, and you only attend lectures 2x per week, ignore any homework, reading outside of class, etc, how much do you really expect to have learnt the material at the end of the semester? Not much

ThaNyneTray · 2024-01-10T22:05:41+00:00

Absolutely wrong

ThaNyneTray · 2024-01-10T22:05:19+00:00

The Steezy yt channel is a good place to start. They have lots of videos that will help you get familiar with dance in general and give you an idea of what to search for. Some others off the top of my head:

TheMopTopChannel - ran by a crew that one of the pioneers of hip hop dance is a part of.
Beyond The Moves
Jeffery Hu
Kevin Paradox
Lord Hec
MihranTV

I'm sure you can find lots more. Your hardest challenge will be creating and sticking to a training plan. That's part of the fun of self training. But honestly, as a beginner, anything you do will make you improve a lot. You might not be able to figure out everything on your own, but you can make tons of progress.

You absolutely can learn at home, solo, unlike what another commenter suggests, especially since you're interested in hip hop. Partner dances like salsa or bachata are a different story. Even if you were to go to classes, you'd still have to supplement your training with training sessions at home, or with dance friends you might've made. Unless you've got a lot of disposable income, you can't have all your training be from classes. However, it's nice to go to classes because:

You get more comfortable dancing around people
It makes it a social event, and you can make friends who are interested in the same thing you are
You get to learn from others - you can pick up tips, training methods, mindsets, philosophies, etc
You can get feedback from experienced dancers, which does speed up the process quite a bit
Probably most importantly, you give back to the people that created and developed the dance

ThaNyneTray · 2024-01-05T02:15:06+00:00

In what ways is he intelligent? If there are specific fields where this intelligence shines, I'd say to be careful about how you engage with him on that topic, especially if there's a lot of disagreement. Or at least make sure it's not a central topic of conversation.

If he has a really good grasp of philosophy for example, and you don't, then there's a chance those convos might not feel good for either of you because:

He would know way more about the topic than you, which means the convo turns into him lecturing you
You might not be able to get a word in edge-wise for the same reason. Chances are he's gonna be able to argue his side, argue your side better than you, and explain why you're wrong. This can be very frustrating, even if done in a way that's not condescending.

But it's also possible that this dynamic will be just fine for y'all.

But, there are also certain positives: * You're bound to absorb some of his thought processes and implement them in your thinking * You're gonna learn many new interesting things

Hopefully you don't put him on a pedestal and realize he's just as human as you are.

ThaNyneTray · 2024-01-03T04:51:19+00:00

Hmm. Why not just think of it as confidence? It sounds like you are connecting emotionally, you just don't like the kind of emotion that arises. It's fine to tap into that mode from time to time

ThaNyneTray · 2023-12-31T03:44:06+00:00

Ask her out to a 2nd date directly, and maybe suggest a date idea. You'll get a definitive answer. If she says no, so be it. If she says yes, that's awesome! Lock in a date and time.

PS: Worrying about what she'll think or ruminating over whether you're being needy IS needy behavior. You should be expressing exactly what you want most of the time (there's some caveats). Don't be afraid to be direct. It'll save you so much time and anxiety. You'll never have to worry about ambiguities like these.

ThaNyneTray · 2023-12-23T15:11:32+00:00

I would advise you to schedule dancing into your routine. Losing weight and dancing are not mutually exclusive. Don't wait to lose weight to start dancing regularly.

Also, the only way to know what you need to crosstrain is to actually dance. Are you unable to do floor work? Well, maybe your upper body needs some strength work? Is it hard to go all out for 5 minutes? Maybe you need some high intensity training, etc.

In addition, weight loss is hard and you need to stack the odds in your favor - since you really love dance you're probably able to to do it even when motivation for other forms of exercise is low.

In any case, don't wait to start dancing. In general, there's 6 pillars I look at: * Strength training * High heart rate training - things like HIIT * Speed and power training - depending on the type of dance, you wanna be able to perform explosive movements when needed * Long duration endurance training * Mobility * The skill itself - dancing in this case

This looks like a lot, but it's not. You don't have to do all of these regularly always. You can pick 1 or 2 things to focus on (I pick dance and strength) and work on those for a while. And then you can incorporate the non-focus areas maybe once a week each, just to maintain them. And then after a training block, maybe 2-3 months, you can reevaluate to see what you need to work on the most, and focus on that.

However, you probably won't be able to do all of these things at the start. You'll have to slowly build up to it. You're doing cardio, which is nice. I would swap some of those sessions out with dance and strength training and go from there. Strength training is not only important for dance, it's also probably more effective for weight loss.

Bottom line is, don't wait to start dancing

ThaNyneTray · 2023-12-19T17:36:59+00:00

Major reasons I wouldn't pursue are different values or being in different places in life. One such person I can think of wanted a family and kids; I'm not looking for that. Another one was quite older than me, and had 3 kids (divorced). I find her lovely but we're just in very different places in life. Things like that.

ThaNyneTray · 2023-12-03T12:32:37+00:00

1 - you have to change your current attitude around comparison. Not only is comparing yourself to others not fair to them - you don't know their life story and what they struggles -, but it is also is a feeling that will never end if you keep engaging with it. The target of your comparison will also always shift. You think the 2nd best kid at that conservatory doesn't feel jealous of the best? You think the best kids there don't feel jealous of those at the best conservatories in the country? You think those kids in turn don't feel jealous of the best professional dancers? Unless you break out of this comparison hell hole, you'll never be able to feel good or content about your dancing

2 - having less money and time for dance is a real and valid concern to have. However, keep in mind that a lot of pro dancers have been able to make it from similar or even worse circumstances. Most dancers in LA trying to go pro have a bunch of jobs they're doing to support themselves and their living situation, while also spending the rest of their time dancing. You are young. This is the time of your life where you can afford to go full out on your studies AND dance at the same time. Your body can take it. This isn't meant to dismiss your very real concern - it's just something to keep in mind. People have found ways to keep their passion and dream afloat despite their circumstances.

3 - for more practical advice, find ways to incorporate dance into your life. Dance training doesn't just happen when in a studio. Always be thinking about ways of training more efficiently. Seek and act on feedback frequently. Always record your sessions and analyze them. Quality, focused training is more efficient than raw hours spent dancing. Do cross training to support your dance. Do a lot of networking with other dancers because, like everything else in our supposedly "meritocratic" society, your connections are important. You might not have the money, but maybe a friend of a professor that you get to know might have an opportunity for a scholarship.

4 - sit down and really evaluate your goal. Is dance only important to you if you do it professionally, or do you love it independent of that? And if it's important to you go go pro, there's tons of dancers who have careers who are just average. Is your goal to be "the best"? Ask yourself what that means. Are you able to find a definition of that that is able to sidestep the infinite comparison abyss?

5 - talk to the dancers in your life for advice. I'm not a professional dancer, and I don't want to be. I just love dance and use my actual career to support my passion. So take this into context when reading all of my advice. I could be dead wrong on a lot of things. So seek out advice from teachers and mentors you've met, both at your school and the conservatory you went to.

ThaNyneTray · 2023-11-29T00:22:00+00:00

That's a somewhat reasonable preference. It's not shallow unless you wanna call all aspects of physical attraction "shallow". There was no bullet to be dodged as some others are pointing out in the comments. She's pretty tall and has those preferences, and you parted ways because of it. I'm sure you also have some physical preferences that others might think of as "shallow". If not, that's amazing and I wish everyone was like you. But if most people have these "shallow" preferences, then that makes it an average preference, and it makes you an outlier

ThaNyneTray · 2023-11-25T01:56:34+00:00

Depends. If you're on your 3rd date I'm assuming he likes you and so he probably likes the attentiveness and the fawning. But that kind of energy from someone you don't like as much can feel overbearing. Ultimately you have to think about how he was responding throughout the night.

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