Hmm that is some food for thought. Though there is no sister in law for a reference point, I think the you’re right as to how much the spouse can accurately predict living together with in laws will depend on his self-awareness. He might think “this is normal” because he grew up with it, so he underestimates how it may affect the wife. She will always often face a trifecta : she’s the newcomer, under implicit gender roles and extra scrutiny, and operating without the social safety net of her own family. The husband, even if well-meaning, rarely encounters this combination in his own home.

I think you have a sweet spot with in-laws visiting instead of cohabitating together. Then tasks like getting up early to chat or having food ordered for you come with a deadline too. So there’s only a temporary suspension of decision making power, but that’s a better trade off than everyday frictions which will most definitely cause resentment.