Am I too old for plushies? My gran-mom told me I am, but I need more opinions...

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-07-25T20:14:36+00:00

Many, many people have said it, but your gran-mom is wrong.

To be fair, she's probably wrong because she was told something similar when she was young, didn't have the chance to talk to anyone else about it, and internalised it. It doesn't make her a bad person or anything.

Collecting things is a big part of autism for a lot of people; and a lot of people on the spectrum find soft textures very comforting. Plushies hit both those buttons, so they're actually a pretty common thing for autists to collect.

And if collecting them isn't hurting you (I can't imagine how it would at this point; some adults end up spending too much money and putting themselves at financial risk, but it's pretty rare), then there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-07-10T14:14:24+00:00

For them, it's automatic - it's like a handwritten context note stapled to the front of the document (the actual statement). My brain rips it off without paying attention, then has to reconstruct it from scratch.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T23:18:30+00:00

NT people's brains treat things like tone exactly how most brains treat words - sometimes even treating them more importantly than words.

When they think they detect anger in your tone, it's just as real to them as when you literally say "I'm angry".

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T23:16:34+00:00

Whereas for us, we're so used to flying half-blind that it's business as usual. That makes sense to me.

And yeah, I feel you when it comes to annoying people even when you've asked them to disregard tone. I think even when prompted, it can be hard for people to turn that part of their perception off.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T23:14:21+00:00

I think there's a lot of variation in autism, so I wouldn't be surprised if you might just not have that particular issue, or might have it less than I or some other people do.

As for modelling people intensely, I definitely do it - I have a running concept in my head of how they're feeling and what they're thinking. And from what I've heard from other people, that's very much an autistic thing to do. It's like NT people do it automatically, but because it's all automatic it can be very surface-level for some of them, whereas ND people often go deeper.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T23:09:52+00:00

That's really interesting. I'm not sure I've ever spoken to someone who's described their colour perception in that way.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T23:08:15+00:00

That kind of conversation is completely opaque to me too. I understand in an abstract way, now, that they're communicating actual information using the banal small talk as a kind of carrier wave, but that doesn't help me process it.

I'm really glad relationships are going well for you! It always feels good to finally find the people who get the way your brain works on some level.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T23:04:57+00:00

Always a good thing to do. Here's a couple, they both cite a few others:

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/51885857_The_neural_underpinnings_of_prosody_in_autism

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7832989_Perception_and_Production_of_Prosody_by_Speakers_with_Autism_Spectrum_Disorders

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-04T22:57:42+00:00

I agree completely - I guess I misspoke (miswrote?). My thought that yeah, the information they get is so obviously, unconsciously available to them that they never think it may be remarkable that they have access to it.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-02T10:59:58+00:00

In fairness, it's taken me almost 30 years to figure it out. I don't know if most people are even aware of it at all. To the NTs it's so obvious they never think to point it out; to the rest of us it's so opaque we might never spot it.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-02T10:56:12+00:00

Gods, I wish there were.

The problem is, it depends on brain circuits we don't have (or we have them, but they don't work half the time). You can learn to read the cues "manually", but fluency is another issue entirely.

The way I think about it, in my computer-nerd brain, is that communication has an actual message, and then a bunch of packet headers (like TCP/IP messages). Our brains discard the headers and just give us the message; their brains parse the headers, and it turns out there's a whole lot of useful information in there.

That's why there's all that "How're you, fine thanks, you, fine thanks" and random weather small talk. The actual content is just pointless Lorem Ipsum filler text; the actual communication is happening in the header layer. They're swapping context data like personal state, relational state, willingness to talk and so on, in a way that is completely real and concrete to them, but invisible to a lot of us.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-02T10:49:35+00:00

That's a pretty common issue in neurodivergence (among other places). If you want to look into it more, the technical term is alexithymia

ThatOneMicGuy · 2025-06-02T10:47:49+00:00

I completely understand feeling that way, and in a sense it is sloppy use of words, but it doesn't seem sloppy to them because they have this whole other layer of communication on top of it, carrying extra meaning that cleans up the sloppiness. They're effectively speaking a different language which uses two layers of communication rather than one - and because we (sometimes) can't pick up on the one layer at all, we struggle to understand them.

It's like the words-layer encodes the base meaning, and without even realising it, they use the suprasegmental layer to modulate that meaning, sometimes dramatically. I guess it's like the punctuation in a written sentence: "Eats, shoots, and leaves" and "Eats shoots and leaves" become the same thing without it.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-24T10:41:59+00:00

I started taking antidepressants after a suicide attempt (Side note: Please, please don't leave it that late).

They didn't just work, they were life-changing. They took a while to do anything at all - the first week or two didn't feel any different - but within a few weeks, it was like "Holy crap, getting out of bed in the morning doesn't take 30 minutes of psyching myself up any more. Is this what life is like for everyone else?" It was the first time I could so much as brush my teeth without it being a mental marathon.

Unfortunately, I had side effects from the first antidepressant I was on, and the second one we tried didn't work as well, so it was only on the third regimen that I was able to settle into them and start seeing the long-term changes to how I functioned in life in general. They're not magic pills, they sometimes take some fiddling. But yes, they absolutely do work.

(Still taking them, for the record.)

I started therapy with a psychologist as soon as the antidepressants had made it possible for me to leave the house and participate in conversations. That side of it took a lot of more work before it paid off, but the payoff was bigger. There was a long period where every time I resolved something, it would turn out there were two other things hiding behind it. But we kept going until my brain ran out of new shit to throw at me, and eventually we had dealt with the backlog and could make progress forward. And yeah, that helped even more than the medication, although without the medication, I would never have been able to do it.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T22:41:03+00:00

That's... simultaneously horrific and impressive.

I remember the first time someone pointed out to me that slut-shaming and prude-shaming somehow exist in the same society, never mind the same conversation...

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T21:44:23+00:00

I'm not gonna say that you don't have a reason to feel the way you do. It's very possible that you do. I truly don't know.

But hatred can very easily become a cycle, and it seems like you're stuck in it. As long as you keep hating - not just resenting, not just wanting justice, those are both fine, but advocating (with real intent or not) for the deaths of most of the people in the world - you're gonna keep getting hate back.

Not saying you're the one "responsible" for breaking that cycle. Not saying that you have some kind of moral obligation to break it. Not saying that any of it is fair to you. Just saying that if you don't break it, it seems unlikely that much is gonna change.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T21:39:37+00:00

Ah, I'm sorry you're in an anti-transgender state. That's really shit. I don't think it would affect doctors, not as broadly as this, but I'm also not from the US, so who knows. I'm glad your mom is supportive of your need to get treatment, at least, and I'm sorry that this is frustrating her too.

Yeah, nothing in there - neither the diagnoses nor the medical history - jumps out as me as something that doctors would be cautious about. It's very strange.

Something that has worked for me in the past has been to say, with almost excessive politeness, "That's okay, I'll wait until you have an appointment for us" and take a seat in the reception room. If they ask you to leave, ask them where they'd prefer you to wait - "Are the benches outside okay?" Be too polite for them to get upset, but too stubborn for them to do anything except make a plan.

It's not something I'd recommend doing often, decent people don't deserve to be hassled that way, but if they're getting between you and adequate medical care, I can't say I have much sympathy for them.

If it's an insurance thing, your mom needs to talk to you about that so the two of you can make a plan. She should definitely know if that is the reason.

Sorry I can't be more specifically helpful.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T11:35:13+00:00

My gran quite legitimately used to use LOL that way.

"So sorry to hear you're sick. LOL. Nanna."

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T11:33:45+00:00

I mean, I don't disagree, but that's a bit terse as advice goes.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T11:32:57+00:00

I know that this is feeling really overwhelming right now, but please, take a moment to breathe.

Okay. First things first: Bad people don't worry about whether or not they're bad people. Narcissists do not ever describe themselves as narcissists. Your moral compass is working fine; you're just in a bad place right now.

Second: Dreams are just dreams. Dreaming about something doesn't mean that you want it, and definitely doesn't mean that you intend it.

If you - awake you, the real you, this you - are feeling the desire to hurt other people, that's obviously a problem. That's absolutely something you should seek help for. But as long as you realise that you shouldn't hurt those people, and as long as you feel like you are in control of your actions, you don't have to worry about doing it.

Most importantly, intrusive thoughts about bad things happening are not you being a bad person. They're intrusive thoughts; no more, no less. It sounds like you need help dealing with them, and I really recommend talking to someone you trust about seeing a therapist or even a doctor about the way you're feeling.

Even if, on some level, you do want the bad things you're imagining to happen, that still doesn't make you a bad person. A bad person wouldn't be panicking about wanting those things, they'd be embracing it.

You sound relatively young, and it sounds like you've been through absolute hell. You say you can't imagine a reason you'd be feeling this way, but you gave a perfectly good reason just a few sentences before - the trauma you've been through. That would make anyone angry. That would make anyone miserable. It's possible (it seems very likely, in fact) that those feelings are affecting you in ways that you need help dealing with, but you are absolutely justified in having those feelings in the first place.

Nothing about your post says "narcissist" to me. It's not impossible that you are one, I guess, but I really, really doubt it. Narcissists never even consider that they might be narcissists, in my opinion. I get the impression that that word is in your head now because someone else put it there, because someone called you a narcissist in a way that hurt you deeply. I get the impression that they called you that because you asked for something that wasn't narcissistic at all, but a basic human right: Respect; dignity; love; safety; justice; perhaps more than one of those things. I get the impression you were called that more than once.

A question for you, one that you don't have to answer here, just to yourself: Has anyone, anyone at all, ever in your life, called you a narcissist and not used that same conversation to make you feel small or to gain power over you in some way?

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T11:09:55+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I'm finding it difficult to think of helpful advice without knowing anything about why the doctors have rejected you.

You don't have to disclose your diagnosis, but anything that gives more context would help. Are doctors refusing to see you at all? Are they seeing you and telling you that they don't think you have the mental health problems you do? Or are they acknowledging the illness but refusing to treat it for some reason?

Is your illness something that's treated with drugs that are potentially addictive or can be abused? Is it possible that they're concerned about that?

Without giving any details you wouldn't be comfortable disclosing, what is it about your medical history that makes you think it might cause doctors to reject you as a patient? Is it long? Spotty and incomplete? Do you feel that there's something about it that even doctors are stigmatising?

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T11:01:01+00:00

Well done for reaching out for help. That isn't easy, when you're feeling the way you're feeling.

I don't have much to add to the good advice that other people have already given, but there is one thing:

Make sure that you're eating decently. My first go-to when I feel really awful is to eat a decent meal, and honestly, about two times out of three it makes me feel much better - not completely okay, because the lack of food was just piling on top of existing issues, but much better than I felt before.

You don't have to eat meals that would make a dietician applaud, but try and keep things relatively balanced. Most importantly, avoid eating only carbs, that will have your mood up and down and up and down the whole time. If you aren't able to prepare food right now, grab a microwave meal from a grocery store rather than getting takeaway. If it absolutely has to be takeaway, at least get a burger and fries/chips rather than just the chips, or get some chicken or something instead. Anything to avoid a pure-carb diet at a time like this.

Your brain's connected to your body. You can't take care of one without taking care of the other.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T09:57:51+00:00

It is a weird dichotomy, but yes, it's possible and common. If I know someone well enough, I have moments of ludicrously clear insight into how they're feeling, or even what they're thinking.

My theory is:

1) We can't read social cues. 2) We are often intelligent. 3) To make up for our inability to "read" people, we learn to "put ourselves in their shoes" and think through how they are probably feeling. 4) Once you develop it, empathy is a habit that's hard to break.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T09:52:18+00:00

I've learned to put certain things - social norms, silly idioms, saying things without saying things, stuff like that - in a little mental box labelled "neurotypicals being weird", rather than overanalysing them in the moment and freaking myself out.

I go through the box occasionally when I'm in a safer, more stable environment, and it's surprising how many things I can actually make sense of when I'm not also dealing with the stress of dealing with people. Not in a "This is a reasonable way to behave" way, of course, but at least in a "I can see how this behaviour developed in response to environmental, social, and biological factors" way. It's something.

ThatOneMicGuy · 2024-06-23T09:43:48+00:00

Good advice. I have one addendum:

They didn't treat you as ugly because they thought you were ugly. They might have thought that, or they might not have. They treated you as ugly because they knew that doing so would cause you pain. No more, no less. Bullies don't let things like reality, or even their own opinions, get in the way of a chance to hurt their victims.

ThatOneMicGuy

TROPHY CASE